I dont usually post emails or even read personal emails posted here, but I really need a clearer head and opinion than mine. This is what I received from my WH last night..
"To be honest and frank with you It would be kicking and screaming at this point. I really am sorry I feel that way. I can tell you why I feel that way, But It would probably make you feel worse and It really wouldn't accomplish anything. If I did come home now, you have to understand it would be for the children in hopes that we could help S and D together. I would hope that in time we could transplant our marriage into someplace where we could heal and grow again.
There really isn't a whole lot more I can say at this point. I do care about you greatly. I always will now matter what choice I make. I figure you don't feel the same way but I can't help that. I feel you have always put conditions on our marriage. That is the difference betwwen you and OW. I NEVER put conditions on our marriage.
I will try to let you know what choice I have made. Thanks for listening

What do I do? He continues to tell me that he doesnt love me romantically. I dont know if I should just tell him to stay away or come home even for the kids and hope that with time and maybe Plan A that I could change his mind. If he comes home, what conditions would that be under? Would we TRY and work on our marriage? I did email him back and told him that if he came home even because of the kids, that the OW had to be gone. I had to know that he had ended that relationship and that he would not be keeping her on the sidelines.
I really need some advice here. The links to the rest of my situation are these...
My Story..
Rest of the story...
Any and all advice is welcome.

Katie

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: katiegirl34 ]</small>

Hi, {{{katiegirl}}}

Sucks with the distance thing. I see a couple of things from an outside look. It COULD be hopeful. I am in the same boat as you. My WH is posted in a different city so know how hard it is to do a good Plan A when you are apart. SO, are you up to a good Plan A? If he is there, he can see the changes you have made. Would he be willing to go to IC or MC?

IMO, when WS is not in the same house, they won't remember what the good parts of the M are or were. Even if he says he doesn't love you romantically. Fog bound WSs say lots of stuff and definitely rewrite history <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

On the other hand, some of the things that he says sound like big red flags. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I always will now matter what choice I make. I figure you don't feel the same way but I can't help that. I feel you have always put conditions on our marriage. That is the difference betwwen you and OW. I NEVER put conditions on our marriage.
I will try to let you know what choice I have made. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, so even though you have hung in there, you don't care about him? UH DUH.

Choice HE makes? You don't have a say on your M?

No conditions on your M? UUMMMM like fidelity and truthfulness? Sheesh! How awful of you to expect that! (Sarcasm dripping while I say that!)

And what does the OW have to do with your conditions of the marriage? Is he saying that she will accept him as a part-time partner. Is that the unconditionnal part. ANd what does that have to do with you? Dork comes to mind.

Only you know this alien that used to be your H. Is he trying to get back in on his terms? Cake eat,etc. Or could he be feeling guilty and is testing the waters to see if you will forgive him?

AND, when he says he could tell you but won't; does he want you to ask him? Is that a control thing?

Kicking and screaming and sorry he feels that way? Sheesh, I can't even begin to understand that one.

What do you feel?

FA,
Well my alien was saying things like he didnt know if he loved me or he didnt love me like he should before he moved out. Didnt meet OW till after he moved out, so he resents when I call this an affair. Whatever! Anyway, yes it is very hard to do Plan A right now. We have been separated for 6 months with 2 wks that he came home to "try" before he went overseas. Since then he rekindled things with OW and goes back and forth with wanting to do the right thing and wanting to start fresh elsewhere.

As far as the conditions...I am not sure what he is talking about. I asked him that in my reply email. But I do know he feels that I have always been the "my way or the highyway" person. He has a lot of resentments towards me and unresolved anger, some of which he is entitled to. But not all. I know I have not been easy to live with. I have come face to face with the kind of person I was and I didnt like that person. But not living in the same house, or even communicating a whole lot, it is hard for him to have any faith that I have changed or any faith that God can work in our marriage. He is spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. Has been on AD's for about 3 or 4 yrs...he feels it is because of the lie he has been living for the past 21 yrs...that he didnt love me and was lying to himself and to me.

I want more than anything to put this marriage back together. I dont know how to do that at thsi point and he doesnt really have to desire to either...not right now. He says he is just existing. I think a lot of his issues are MLC. And two I think this almost resembles the exit A kind of mentality. He says that he has tried to love me, prayed that God would give him love for me....and nothing. So he is going somewhere where he can be happy and appreciated.

I'm sorry to ramble. Just thoughts coming to mind. I know that underneath the alien, is still the caring, loving, Christian man I married....but he is waaaay under there.

Katie

Hey katiegirl. This is actually the second time around for us. Sigh. And NOW, he says he hasn't been happy and lying about his happiness to be "supportive" of me? What the??? The last time, 3 years ago, he said he NEVER loved me and that he married me to get custody of his son. AND that everybody warned him not to marry me. DORK! Especially when I asked those very same people and they were choked that he would say such a thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Repeat after me. FOG FOG FOG
WS ALL seem to rewrite history to justify their own choices and actions.

Last time I found out who the EA is with. THis time, I can't becasue of our distance. I am
99.9% sure there is someone. But can't do any detective work until I get there.

It does not make it any easier. And, I, like you know and freely admit, I am not an easy person to live with. My way or the highway? Maybe. Or maybe, right way , wrong way to do things? Priorities, etc.

Unfortunately, it is really up to you to do what you feel needs to be done. I am sticking it out for a while. I am sooooo close to a Plan B without ever having done a real Plan A. .

Partly because of the distance thing. Partly because he is being such a DORK! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I know what I did wrong. I am willing to bust my a$$ to get things right. But for crying out loud, when the WS refuses to try. I just get mad.

I HATE that he goes to sea, has sooo much fun and lives his oh so carefree single like lifestyle and I take care of DD, worry about our lives, pay the bills, etc. GGRRR!

I am trying to hang on until the house is sold and DD and I move back to be in the same city as WH. And that is thanks to the veteran MBs on this site who have leashed me in when I REALLY REALLY wanted to bust his bubble.!

Okay, I am venting. But, I hope you see some similarities. It is the ability of the WS to emotionally remove themselves from the family and stand by and watch as the kids and the BS shatters and twists in the wind. That is what gets me riled up!

Just hang in there and do what feels right for you. But, IMO if you are in the same house, it is easier towork on things. If I could persuade my WH to live under the same roof, I would do alomost anything to achieve that. I think we have no chance otherwise.

FAA,
Well I just got off the phone with WH. Talked for a little bit. He wanted to make sure I understood where he was at at this point. He is just wore out emotionally and doesnt know if he has much to give. But we are both concerned about our kids. And we both would hate to walk away from almost 22 years together. I told him I knew it would take time and that I was willing to go very slowly. At this point, I think we both are emotionally wrung out and told him maybe we could just nurture each other a little right now. Just to go slowly. But I made sure he knew I was willing to do what it took...counceling, Dr Harley books, implementing some of the policies of MB... but that the choice right now was up to him. He said he would let me know....he has to make up his mind this week. Scheduled to come home next weekend. He said he would consider all that I have had to tell him. So I guess we will see.
If he would come home and be in the same house, I think we could work on things better. We have been apart a lot in the past year and half. He was gone to Germany for 6 months last year, home on nightshift for 6 months, moved out in June and went overseas in Sept. So really about a lot of time not together.
I pray that he will give us a chance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Katie

Katiegirl.

Hang in there! It is so darned hard to do anything with WS away. Especially when they are on a deployment. And, I agree, 22 years is a long time to give up on. (15 years for me)

You know the thing that is always hard, when they are away? For me anyway. They have this life that does not include you on a day to day basis. On some level, they have to put the family out of their minds to stay focussed on their job. THen, if they are the least bit unhappy, or the least bit weak, they have "buddies" that encourage them to stray.

I am not excusing their behaviour, but to me it feels like they have to put up with some kind of brainwashing every day! Then throw in an unscrupulous OP. Then you have a bad sitch that just got a thousand times worse. And by that time, WS has forgotten or rewritten what their family life was REALLY like! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

It sounds as if you talked with no LBs and still got your point across. That is a good thing. ANd, I agree 10000000%. If you are together, under the same roof, you have a far better chance of working things out. Especially with counselling.

And, even if things end up not working out in the way you want, at least you know you tried everything you could do.

My prayers are with you. {{{}}}

FAA,
I know what you mean about a different life while they are gone. I used to resent when the WH would call me from Vegas or Hawaii while on TDY and start telling me the things he was doing. While I got to sit home with 3 children and mow the yard, pay the bills, do the homework, the laundry, etc....you know... be the parent! lol I know those feelings. My WH always told me that the hardest job in the AF was the AF Wife. I have to agree sometimes. But then too, I have to appreciate the job that he does for us. Though some of the TDY's and deployments are cushy, some are not. Currently mine is working 12-14hrs a day. He is tired. I try to be more appreciative of what he does.
But right now, when you know they are not being faithful, makes me very resentful that I have to be the one staying here holding it all together alone. We have given up our lives in service of supporting their military careers and the military life and yet they betray us and we feel we have nothing.
I am 40yrs old and what do I really have to show for MY years of service?? I have no education, I have no career to fall back on. I can pack a mobility bag and have him out the door in less than an hour, shorter if I have to. I can sew stripes on a shirt for when they have to show up with new rank. I can put a shine on a pair of boots you can see your face in. I can manage a home, children and carpool. How do you put that on a resume? Do we get recongnition for what we do?
I do recognize your pain, FAA. Been there, done that and have a trinket from every "port".

Try to hang in there. I guess we plan A the best we can from a long way away. As they say here on MB, Plan A, Plan B or Plan D? Plan A is easier than all of them, so I working on that one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey, Katiegirl! You go, girl! And yes, you are a girl to me. I am 53, with a 43 yr old WH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> So, this episode has MLC written all over it. Of course THEY never recognize it.

You are so right. Being the supportive wife is something I have always done. First M and this one, too. BUt, I did make a HUGE change when I went into this one. I swore I would NEVER give myself up to be what I thought my H wanted me to be. That is, I would make myself happy by doing things for me.

My favourite aunt told me a LONG time ago that I needed to be more selfish. WHen I said that is a horrible thing to be. Selfish is a bad thing, etc. SHe asked me this. "If you take care of your needs and you are happy, won't other people want to be around you more? Think of the people you know that are always down. Are always complaining about how they can't do this, they can't do that, how tiier S won't let them, etc. Do you want to be with them very much?"

That was a big light coming on in my head. I have known people who are going through a crisis and I bent over backwards to be a friend. Yet, once that crisis is over, they still do the same junk that got them there in the first place. Over and over again. After a while, you see that they don't really want to change. and then you have to decide whether you are helping or enabling them. And, likely they are sucking you in.

Do you see my long winded point? What do YOU want to do to be good to yourself? Do you want to take some courses? What do you want to do for YOU? Whatever that is will make you feel better. And give you some interesting things to talk about with your S instead of the family only. It will give a bigger scope to your lives together. ANd that won't hurt your M, right?

Sometimes we get so focussed on our families that we do become stuck in a rut. And during a time like this, is when we have to change ourselves. THen, no matter what happens, we will have grown. IMHO

Just something to think about.