I don't write here to much, but have a question. A little back gorund... I found out abot H S/A in May, since then he can't decide if being together is worth it. Started Plan B last Saturday...I have not call or e-mailed just gave him space.

The doctor caslled left him a message to call him back.. I called H gave him message and hung up.. He tells me thats totally disrespectful. What do you think? was he respecting me while sleeping wuth her.. I have been accused of so much I haven't done over the last 8 months wheres my respect?
I know this marriage is not going to turn out for the best and have done great not disrespecting him to our children (19, 17, 13, )

I wan thtings to work out but have gotten to the end of my rope.. I need to respect myself..

You people have been great, but if I could give one word fo advice that would be, even through we want to do things for revenge, don't do anything you can't put your name too. Being accused of things I'am not doing is so unfair..

Looking for advice.. I know I jumped around but I'am just to angry...

Also I don't know where to write my profile, but Iam 43, he's 45, kids S19, D17, S13, married almost 23 years. found out about affair in May... Doing everything I can to servive..

Started Plan B last Saturday...

so that means that you did a really really good plan A....and wrote a letter of love and forgiveness...and hope...and removing yourself from the chaos...

and that contacting him was breach of plan B on your part...as you should have called the doctors office to tell them he no longer live there??

and exactly how did you recieve feedback from him that you were disrepectful??

exactly how long have you two lived seperately
how long was your plan A

where does he live
does he see the children on a regular basis
who is your intermediary...
is he still seing the OP...
did you expose the affair to others...


what do you want...
to try to work on your marriage or a divorce

ark

yes, I think I did a pretty good plan A, always built him up while he was tearing me down
I really didn't thiink to call the doctors office, Iam still new at this, I'll know better next time.
I don't think he knows Iam in plan B, he knows nothing about this web iste. ( I would have shared but never got the opportunity.)
He was out ofr 4 days in Aug., 1 day in September (came home because he thought I'd ruin him) (I am not a vendictive person) then for four weeks in Oct/Nov (came home sobbing after me begging him to come home)(wrong on my part)
I really don't know where he lives and can only reach him by cell phone (with two teenage drivers, it shows lack of resposiblity on his part.
I don't have a intermediary (don't know what one is)
At first I told no one but over the months, I have told several people, He told his mother.. Now it seems everyone knows...
YES, I very much so want to save my marriage but at this point all seems lost...

did you write a plan b letter


when you ASK him where he lives...the FATHER of the three children...what does he SAY

is the OP married or single
with children without..
and the age difference if any...

also have you sought legal financial protection..

did you understand that in plan you were to try to meet his needs ..KNOWING he wouldn't meet yours...but does NOT include TEARING YOU DOWN..

did you write and give him a plan B letter?

ARK

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> No I did notr write a Plan B letter, Not sure what it should say.. I'll read that section over again, The OW is supposiable seperate form her H, with no children. Yes, I ahvean attorney... When I ask him where he is staying he says with a friend from work... guess where he met the OW... I don't need to expose them at the work place other people seem to be doing that for me... also to the OWH...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I wish we could spell check these responses.

all right..time to start over

first with no plan b letter you aren't in plan b...
also you can't do plan b without doing plan a..first...

I will try find you some plan A pointers first..

NO SPELL CHECKING..that's cheating..
I for one am FAMOUS round here for my abominable spelling

ark

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nptclerk:
<strong> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I wish we could spell check these responses. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

go to the post you want to correct..

click on the paper and pencil icon just above the text... that is the "edit" icon... and you can go back and correct your errors.

Pep

OK, I thought I was doing a pretty good plan A, always tried to be upbeat, would do what ever he wanted (i.e. go places, gave him space) tried not to harp on the things that haven't gotten done around the house, cook his famlies favorite food for thanksgivng even though I wasn't invited to go to the farm stand to pick it up. (long Story)... but no latter how nice I was or tried to be he continued to walk all over me and use me as a door mat. But he continued to say things like "I don't like it here" "I want to be alone"
"Iam on the fence" "I can't decide" So whats plan B if Iam not reading it correctly...

PS. I don't see a pecil above the text...But I am happy to finally get some dialog going...

lets get basic..

how often is he seeing his children..
and what has HE told them about being out of the house...


what are his "reasons"...and none imply condoning any action of his affair...but what are his stated reasons or problems in the marriage that led to him going outside of the marriage

is this his first affair...

But he continued to say things like "I don't like it here" "I want to be alone"

what did YOU say to those things....

how often are you talking to him now
how often do you see him

ark

Plan A is not "being nice" while being disrespected...

Plan A is behaving as the best YOU possible, correcting your own behaviors that need your attention, and exposing the affair to important friends and family.

Respectfully strong and steadfast is the correct attitude of plan A. Saying what you feel in ways that do not come off as disrespect.... but are real nontheless.

Pep

ok, he left last saturday, has not seen the children since.. hasn't even spoken to the 19yo about his leaving... has tried to contact yougest son. but always at the wrong time. All the kids have thier own cell phones, DD, spoke to him about going x-mas shopping for me ( bless her heart) again another story..
He does not really talk about his reasons for wanting out, just that hes unhappy, and got married to young... has never been on his own, that kind of stuff..
We never fought, our children are wonderful... we have a beautiful home and money is not an issue.. It night be when I am done Christmans shopping LOL.
when he said he didn't like it here, I would say what can we do so that you do like it here, theres nothing I can say about being married young, hey so was I.
What has he said to the Children about he's leaving is just that "Iam leaving" I m the one who has talk to each one individually and as a whole... I talk to my children...

so, Ark tell me something about you???

npt...
I gotta run and pick up kiddlets...

just didn't want you to think I am ignoring you..

ark

So any specific things he "claims" you weren't doing.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

not to put the spot light on YOU..but you are posting here...and all of us can only deal with what we have...

the thing about plan B is that it is to be 10000000000000000000% no contact...done through a letter in which you profess your hope and love in him...as well as your sadness over what lead to his affair...as well as what you can acknowledge you can/should change....etc...ending with until you cut any other third people out of our marriage completely...then I can not have you in my life..it drains your love too much etc..

ark

ok, so I'am clearly not in plan B, but would like to continue plan A, even though he's out of the house. Saturday he comes over.. we discuss respect..talked about going to a mc even with him out of the house..all sounds good, says he'll come over Sunday. Sunday comes he's a no show and no phone call all day.. I just don't get it..When I talked to him on Monday he tells me he spent the whole day on the sofa with the blahs.. Boy would I like to spend the day on the couch with the blahs... but I can't because I have to handle all the responsibilites he has given me over the last 22 years... I don't think he should come for christmas at all. If you can't be there for the guts why be there for the glory.. I am getting stronger everyday but still some days are rougher then others...
My anniversary is coming up and really don't know how that day will be..