First of all I would like to say that this site has the most informative and accurate information that I have ever read, and I appreciate it being available to those in need. I am currently living with my boyfriend and after reading the entire site I realize that he is in the "Withdrawal" state of mind. The Love Busters are all a part of his personality these days; angry outbursts, independent behavior, dishonesty...he is a taker in every sense of the word. I feel that the more I try to make things work, the more he withdraws. My question is: where do I start? How do I show him how much I care without pushing him away?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances. Please give more information. How long have you been together? Has he cheated? Are you financially independent?

We have been together for two years. Living together for 1 1/2. I am financially independent. And as far as I know he hasn't cheated, however, he has had no sex drive for over a year, I have tried everything to get him to want sex...toys, porn, etc., nothing seems to work. He does work a lot and gets very stressed with that, he says that he doesn't know what is wrong with him. However, recently I found emails between him and another woman who happens to be twice his age and is rather disgusting. They are all dirty talk, there is no evidence that they ever hooked up but it seems like it was leading there. He insists that the emails were an office joke, he says she had hit on him and told him to set up this email account and he and his buddies thinking it was funny, would write to her. I confirmed the presence of at least two of his co-workers being there when most of the emails were written. I guess that I believe that they didn't hook up, but I am not so sure that the emails were 100% innocent. It just seems so wrong. What I am trying to figure out now is if this relationship is worth salvaging or not. Any advice??

Openness and honesty. Tell him your feelings about him, sex, the emails, how they make you feel, etc. Don't unload on him, have a conversation and try to check your feelings at the door (hard to do). How he reacts will go a long way to telling you if it is a R worth salvaging. 1 1/2 years vs. the rest of your life. Lay the foundation for a good R now.

I try to tell him as calmly and rationally as possible how I feel, he consistently avoids any discussion. The more I press the issue or any issue for that matter, the more he withdraws. That's what is so frustrating. How do we work things out if it gives him anxiety to talk about our relationship. I am constantly wondering if he acts this way because he is cheating, and a big part of me really believes that he isn't, but doesn't everyone just hope for the best? I don't want to be naive, but I also don't want to accuse him of things that aren't true.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cpf44:
How do we work things out if it gives him anxiety to talk about our relationship.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't. He might be a very poor relationship risk with paltry communication skills that cannot be ammended by any effort on your part.

What if that is true?

Pep

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Ask him... "Are you happy the way things are going in our relationship? Because I am not happy. I am willing to go to couples therapy so we can both become happy as a couple. Will you do this?"

Just ask.... let us know what he says.

Pep

He did go to a sex therapist once at my request, but it definitely didn't help him out at all, nothing changed. He also said that he would go through this website and read the concepts, which I think are very informative and helpful. He says that he does want to work things out and on the weekends he is good to me, but during the week he is inconsiderate, going out with his buddies almost every night after work, and very grumpy when he gets home, he also treats me bad when he is in front of his friends. We have agreed that I should move out and that we hope things will get better with us in that situation. One minute he talks about us in the future and the next he talks about things he will do if we break up. I am so confused and honestly I think he is just as confused. The thing that gets me the most is his lack of sex drive. How can it go on this long, and how can he not want it to get better? I bought a "sex toy" for myself and he said to me last night "good now that can replace me, you don't need me now". He doesn't want the hassle of having to have sex with me. I thought that this was supposed to happen with girls, not guys.

Sometimes.... what you see is all there is to see ...

Are you happy with him "as is"?

If not ... then YOU helping him work on HIS changes is a waste of your time.

There are men out there who don't need "work" to become relationship-ready.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> YOU helping him work on HIS changes is a waste of your time. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Besides, YOU can't fix HIS problems.
You can only work on YOU.
It is up to him to want to work on HIM and if he doesn't, you absolutely cannot change that.