I have been struggling with my husbands EA that has gone on since he has been back from Iraq in Feb. Upon his return he said that he loved me but wasn't "in love" with me anymore. The EA was very intense initially but then roller coastered up and down for awhile until he finally asked me to leave in the middle of August. I was gone for 10 weeks, and upon my return he said that he had changed, that things would be different, and that he was in love with me again. His behavior has changed toward me and he is very loving and affectionate like he wasn't before. So what's the problem right? Well he continues to maintain contact with her. If you read my other posts, he says they have a "bond" that can not be broken and says it isn't right to walk away from the friendship. So if he is "in love" with me now, and he is almost entirely back to the old person I knew, am I making too much of this, or is his love (again) enough?

You have to decide if you want t/b part of that triangle. What type of MC service are you under?

Where are you (for yourself) at in plan A vs plan B?

L.

I don't want her part of our lives at all. But I do question sometimes whether I am being insensitive to the war situation. I have planned A since June, as well as tried Relationship Rescue, and obviously it did not go well. I am in personal counseling, but he will not join me in joint counseling. He went to 2 sessions initially when he first returned, and then quit. I am on the verge of Plan B, but I don't want to do it, because I don't want to lose my marriage. I beleive that you can not, and should not take that step until you are totally prepared for what may happen, and the reality is, he may say go for good. We have a 2 1/2 year old son that I don't want to grow up with out an example of a loving marriage. We had it before, I beleive we can have it again, but I don't know how to make him see things through my eyes.

Do you really know what plan B is about? It isn't about losing your M (your H is doing that all by himself). It is about you protecting what love you have left for your M and your H. It is about distancing yourself from a hurtful WS.

As for the war, it should never be an excuse for greater misconduct to a family. If the zipper needs to stay in the stuck position out there and he needs to pee via a tube, then so be it. Infidelity is not an excuse in any legitimate profession.

JMHO,
L.

8,
I don't think you are making too much of it.

I can understand you are trying to think through the war relationship. Let me illustrate it this way, my H is in his second deployment. When he was in Desert Storm he became very close friends with his 3 tent mates and when he came home, we got together with those guys at first frequently, then occasionally. After 9 months of being home (like your H now), we hardly saw them as family time, different interests & activities had crept in. Still good buddies, still friends, still talked when the occasion arose, but not daily companions, or even monthly.

Of course those were guys, and they weren't in love, but the friendships were very strong...at the time. And 2 of the guys remained co-workers once home.

I don't think your H is treating this woman like a war buddy, he's treating her like a girlfriend/lover. As the text messaging U2D/Y4E you asked about earlier indicates.

Once a spouse has broken the marriage vows with another person, the WS doesn't have the right to keep that person in their life. He is putting that friendship above his marital relationship with you.

You can choose to let him continue with this woman...if you can live with that decision, but as Orchid says, it will be a triangle, or more, if her H joins in.

81377,

Well he continues to maintain contact with her. If you read my other posts, he says they have a "bond" that can not be broken and says it isn't right to walk away from the friendship.

In "Not Just Friends" Shirly Glass says "anything that would make a spouse uncomfortable (guilty) if the other spouse read the emails he/she sends to his/her "friend" then it is more than a friendship!!

If your H is willing to give you total access to his emails, and email accounts, and give you all his passwords, then maybe it is as innocent as he says. But anyone with a "bond" with a member of the opposite sex is not going to let you read those emails.

I think this is a form of cake eating. He seems to still be getting ENs from this OW.

k