14 months since dday. When I found out, next day had contacted a MC. We went together 1x, she said there was alot of anger on both parts and said she wanted to see us seperately. So, we have been going seperately about 1x every 3 weeks. No comments on what is going on with each other in these secissions. Last month just after I moved out we went together for second time. We set an appointment up for us that was to happen today at 4pm for third time together. Well, I had and individual secession with her at 10am. H said last night he didn't want me to go with him. Heres the prolems:
1)at my appointment today, MC said she was worried about a conflict of intrest for us, since she sees us both individually. She said she could recommend another person for me, not sure who. She said she was worried that I might feel some "conflicts of intrest". I think due to the fact that she has only know H in his "fog" state, and when i speak about him I confuse her! She also wasn't to interested in what information I shared with her from here. Just kept saying "be careful who you listen to"
2)H didn't want to go together today. Since we are seperated, and he wants to "work" on us 1/2 the time should i push for commintement for a lenght of time, or continue with "when he wants me there" only? thanks for any thoughts!

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 06:33 PM: Message edited by: allirose89 ]</small>

The ic/mc sounds like she can't handle the whole sitch which makes her unqualified for either of you. Get another MC/IC for both of you.

Can you call Steve H @ MB?

L.

allirose89,

i too asked/mentioned info to the MC WS and I were seeing, her comment was about the same. She wasn't impressed, yet she never heard of Dr. Harley, wasn't familiar with any of it, yet her opinion was against.

THis professional, as time went by, with attitude- stated quite bold, "let me tell you something, there is nothign wrong with Dv, my children are happy, they love,,,."

I'm wondering, is it possible that the both of you can change MC? Can you search for a marriage coach? opposed to a MC?

What i'm hearing with this "conflict of interest." is something an attorney would say to the other spouse,,,???

I strongly agree with Orchid,,, get a different MC. asap

good luck,,

stever

I looked for a marriage coach, there is one in the area, think on Monday I will be calling to see if covered by insurance and the cost.I will check it out. With us living seperate, everything is very tight now. I knew it though when I moved it would be this way. Just got done talking with H, turns out the MC said the same thing to him. H told me he set up another appointment for both of us on Friday, said he didn't want me going today because he was "upset" with me. I told him I want something set up, even if we are angry at each other will still go together or I will wait awhile to go back with him. Should I change that? I have been controlling Angry Outbust, Yelling etc..I have been speaking calmly to him, letting him go on (continue his fog talk- blame me for everything wrong) doing reverse babble, But I guess a break though!!
Tonight H asked why I think its my right to know what happenes or happened with OW. I told him ... in a gently way...really...that I felt there was two in this marriage, and when he went to OW It turned him into a lier, cheater and I felt in a way violated our marriage...That he needs to be honest with himself on what happened that it was not all my fault. H got mad and left at that one. So, I think I might have hit on something here...perhaps he is starting to listen some?

Oh yea, he hears you and probably has to run away for fear his H side may step out and agree with you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

See if you can place a call into MB counseling section on Monday. Asking a potential MC if they are aware of Dr. Harley's MB principals is a good gauge. There are just some MCs that shouldn't be in the business. Can't separate work from personal and welp....suck at the business part that we pay them for.

In the meantime, get ahold of the books: Surviving an affair, His needs/Her needs (both are by Dr. W. Harley (Steve is his son and one of the MB coachs). Another books is Love must be tough. This one is by Dr. James Dobson. It is good if you are dealing with one hurtful stubborn WS.

Read and study hard. Post here for support. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Lots of patience also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> That will help you keep from falling into the trap of letting the WS' insults hit your heart.

take care,
L.

Well tonight I guess H is in a waffling mood so hopefully part of him did listen! If you've read some of my post, you will know that these past two weeks have been very rough with the waffling issue. I am following links, copying them into a posting jornal and printing them out for review. I have also pretty much printed out this web site!! lol....guess that's my contolling issue....I'm working on it! Have to have something to restore hope, and the support here, that I read, replies to others and my post is great! the other night it hit me like a "big red truck' how similar the suitations we are going though are! I have heard the I love you, but not in love with you, I care about you, etc... ligtening flash! I listening and reading with very open eyes! thanks
benifit = typing it here realy helps in venting so that I can address issues in the right manor with H, esp. since he has been body snatched by alliens. (Hoping it leaves soon)

Alli,

You will find you are not alone. The WS think each of their sitch is unique. Nothing c/b farther from the truth. The moment they individually choose to enter the WS category, they are immediately signed up for the A university with their first class A101, how t/b manipulating and stupid. Most pass in flying colors and then they are matched up with an OP of lessor humanistic value. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Each day they progress in this awful school of horrors and in time they wear the uniform becoming to all WS. They start that ILYBNILWY babble amongst other WS babble. Then as they start bringing home their newly acquired talents from this school, they try it on the ones that are the closest, the BS and family.

There tuition cost is high to the family but somewhere in the fog, the calculator that normally resides in all sane brains, breaks in the minds of the Ws. They honestly believe they have not wronged anyone. Some even venture to say they left the M years ago. Funny, they still wore the ring up until last month.

The adventure continues and guess what, the BS is forced to pay for that roller coaster ride. Well I want out of that park. It ain't no amusing ride for me. It took me a while but in time the BS learns to disembark, hand the ticket back to the operator and put only the WS and OP on the ride. If your WS wants off, he has to turn into an Xws then into an H. It takes effort but it can be done.

You don't have to put up with as much of the stress of recovery if from the start, you identify, set and implement your boundaries. Some do better than others. Most benefit by working on themselves 1st, then if and when the WS decides to become an Xws to a spouse, then marital recovery is possible.

Sorry for the wild story but thought it w/b amusing and educational. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

I don't approve of his choice is schools! He didn't even begin to wake up a little from the fog until I moved out. So now,,,all I am hearing is so common of what I have been reading here! And even though he has promised NC with OW first I know he is hiding them still, and now i know to have a letter of NC when he is ready for it again. I guess I just keep contacting him to do things with us as a family and thats where i can continue trying to meet his ENs and hope for the best while I'm using this time for me also.

Allirose. I am in a very similar sitch as you. I set up an appointment. Saw her once, WH and I had 1 session together, then he saw her alone. After that, he told me that the IC suggested/encouraged him to see a lawyer about divorce and financial stuff.

I checked with her and she said she could not tell me what the session was about because it was confidential. AND, she could not counsel me individually or us as a couple because WH was adamant about only working on "co-parenting" issues.

I was truly PO'ed with that and told her how "disappointed" I was. Especially since I had already told her about other issues that I knew he was dealing with that had nothing to do with our marriage. But certainly made it diffcult to deal with our problems. And I asked her how she could come to such an instant decision when she had only seen us once alone each. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

After discussion with my separate IC, on his advice, I wrote a letter of complaint to her supervisor. Detailing my concerns. Specifically relating to us and also asked the following question: "How many other marriages had she managed to send on the road to divorce by enabling such an easy exit? "

Haven't heard back. But these Cs need to get their head out of their Whatever and stop looking at things through their own prejudices.

GGRR!! So, this vent is really about how I feel your pain. And depending on what your WS is prepared to do, I concur that finding a REAL MC would certainly help. I know I have learned that I will have to pre-interview any new MC. And that is highly unlikey since it will be diffcult to get my WH to agree. Since he has this witch in his corner, there is no reason that he would even try a new one. He would view it as a no-win for him, wouldn't he? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I do like this MC, but I am going to look into other ones...don't think H will gladly change though do to same problem,,,even though at first he was upset that it "is a women and you both will gang up on me"....while i'm looking into others I will "test the water" with her again if I'm allowed to go back with him on friday...lol...I'm not a patient person and at up until recently I have had a pretty crappy Plan A, attempting to improve..
I guess that is at least one positive regardless of the outcome of my marriage...I will have learned more patience!