Today D-Day + 8 weeks.

Eeyorelover finally gave me the password to her "secret" email account. I asked her for it again this afternoon after ignoring it last night.

I probably checked it about 5 hours after OM sent a very pathetic email. Eeyorelover had not seen it yet. I had assumed that she checked that account farily often (DJ??) and was suprised to have the pleasure of seeing a one liner.

She has repeatedly asked if I wanted to hear the cell phone messages from OM.

She is being patient with me when I look sad or have one of my mini-crisis.

She is being very affectionate most of the time in private and in public. She is inviting me to exercise with her again.

I asked her today if she ever tried to convince herself that she would be coming back to me during the craziest part of the last few months....not sure I really got any answer except that she convinced herself she could never be with OM and that she was probably crazy during that time. But during the crazy times she always did for me the little things that she does for people she cares about (all but about 3 days)...

I asked her today if she was staying with me because she loves me or because it was convenient...she said some of both.

I told her that if she ever cheated on me again it would be like slitting my throat...she said she would leave before that could happen again.

I asked her today alot of this and alot of that, she started getting very annoyed and said something about "walking" if this was how it was going to be...

She gave me the nicest card she has ever given me yesterday...just a few words, but words that she has not used with me for 2 1/2 to 3 years.

She posted in these forums last night...although she has not taken the advice give so far...

***********

I am still in alot of pain and can not hide it just because it is painful or annoying for her to know it...she ends up telling me she knows I need her to be paitent with me.

I see pain in her face when some of mine comes out, but I rarely hear how she really feels...at least not in words.

I feel like she is in love with me again and might even believe that I have always loved her.

I really wonder if our marriage was so bad as to cause her to stray.

I wonder if I can be exciting enough for her to keep her interest for the rest of our lives and beyond.

I have doubts about bedroom performance.

I feel like less of a man and more of a man...I feel different she seems different.

(Flash back to the couple of weeks just after D-Day)

I remember that she did not take her rings off until I asked her why she was wearing them while telling OM she loved him.

I remember that after I took my ring off for a short while that she took it and wore it next to her own rings on her right hand.

I remeber that she was not the first one to say the word divorce...I was.

I feel like I did a few things early on to push her away, further into the relationship with OM.

I am scared and have faith in her and our M at the same time.

I have doubts about her motives, she disproves them but they still remain (I feel like the doubts get smaller every so often, some times bigger).

I fear that one or both of us will not be strong enough to last in our M for the next couple years to make it over what I percieve as some kind of milestone of successfully rebuilding.

I do not want to have another women in my life.

I am going to become an author 'cause once I get started I find it very hard to stop writing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

*******

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

crazy man welcomes comments from those that have not fallen asleep thus far. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 01:25 AM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

it is very therapeutic isn't it ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

as long as I let it be it is

at this point, isn't that the hard part?

It is highly therapeutic. I view this forum as my way of keeping a diary or journal, with the added benefit of feedback from those in similar situations.

Who knows what we should feel? Since this is good therapy, here's something I experienced last night that really eats at me. Anyone have any input on what I should think.

fww and I went out to eat with friends, I had not seen her all day as we had both been at work and she and our friends picked me up to go eat. After dinner, our friends both ran in a store and left us in the car alone. I rubbed the back of her neck and told her that she really looked cute in the top she had on and that I loved her very much. She smiled as though it really made her happy to hear this for a few seconds and told me she loved me too. Then like always, turned away and got the saddest look in the world on her face. Then I told her that I was genuinely happy to be with her and that I knew everything was going to be ok for us. Same response, happy for a few seconds, then turned away and looked like her dog died for a few seconds.

I have asked her several times what goes through her mind when she looks this way and she tells me she doesn't know and really doesn't even realize she does it.

What is it, guilt? That's my theory..

HH,

1) I have found the word 'cute' to be a mini LB with many women...use the big guns when getting across how she looks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

2) The "my dog died" look.....I really hate that one because I know some times it is a look of grief for the loss of OM and I hope it is some times the guilt for her actions with OM.

I usually get the "I don't know" when she looks that way and a I ask.

As a FWW that look for me (when my H asked) was usually followed by tears for mostly guilt but there was also the withdrawl from OM. When I first visited this site affairs were compared to addictions- I didn't think so then but I BELIEVE IT NOW.
When I had this "look" the best thing for me was for my H to hug me.. No ?s just to let me know he was there..
22

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

I dunno what the answer is, all I know is that I am glad I started the zoloft over the weekend instead of during the week. It is doing some way weird things to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I want to thank every one for all of the support and sharing. This has really been a good experience.

As of know I am taking some kind of a break. I feel like I have switched my addiction from everquest online to these forums looking for "the" answer.

I hope Eeyorelover will keep on with the forums for a while.

I won't be back until she tells me it is ok.

I have had my time and have proven that I have a hard time staying away from her stuff. So I am going NC with MB for a bit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks so much to everyone. I really, really mean it!!

****************************

Hi baby, let me know if you see this post please.

I love you and I will always be there for you weather or not you want to believe that.

I am done with my old ways, just might need some help catching them some times.

I really am safe to be with, just need you to tell me what you need. Would be really cool if you did those questionarries. You don't have to of course but reading them will help me give you what you want...and I want, desire, need to give you what you want.

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 2) The "my dog died" look.....I really hate that one because I know some times it is a look of grief for the loss of OM and I hope it is some times the guilt for her actions with OM.

I usually get the "I don't know" when she looks that way and a I ask.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, I always get I don't know in response to that question. Sucks...

I really, really, really hate what has happened to me and my family.

I can hardly believe how much pain there is. I have been doing a pretty good job of denying most of it for the last 2 months.

Was taking zoloft the last 3 days (bad idea for me) and coming down from it today, made me extremly depressed. I could not get my butt out of the bed until almost 2:pm today....that is except to throw up.

So today was a rollercoaster of pain. Spent the last 7 hours vomiting and crying my eyes out. I really think that the zoloft made me crazy so alot of my thoughts today were probably not legit, even so I know that they all could be legit and the ones that were legit really suck hard core.

The pain of what my wife has done to me and our family really hit home today in a big way. Infidelity is something that "will never happen to me". Just like my brother should not have died at age 27 right?

Well I have decided that my life sux. I don't know if my family will survive in tact or not, all though that is my sincere hope and desire.

I know that my family is what saved me from a life time of mediocroty, pot smoking and drinking. I fear that loosing my family now will send me back to a life time of just existing.

I love a women that makes me feel guilty when I am sick and need to rest. I love a women that makes me feel guilty when I don't get things done for her the right way around the house. I love a women that wakes in a poor mood virtualy evey Saturday. I love a women that has had little compassion or empathy for me. I love a women that is addicted to excitement. I love a women that believed that I did not love her or find her attractive. I love a women that has allways told me that if it was ment to be it would be easier.

I love a gorgeous woman whos beauty keeps my eye on her every move. I love a women that very much enjoys affection even though she says otherwise. I love a women that has shown the ability to have compassion and empathy for me and yes even patience. I love a women that is a very, very good mom. I love a women that tells me she loves me.

My life is a paradox.

Quote: "I really wonder if our marriage was so bad as to cause her to stray."

Minor correction here. You did not cause your wife to stray. That was her choice alone. Your marriage may have seriously sucked, but she chose to stray. Her decision, her responsibility to clean up the mess she made.

Your responsibility is to clean up your contribution to a bad marriage.

All the best,
Gimble

aye

Eeyorelover1966,

I am so sorry you are angry. It hurts me badly to hear you in such pain.

You are gorgeous and I love you and I am hear for you when you need me.

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>