Well, my wife and I have been separated now, for a little over 2 weeks. Things do not get any easier, but they sure as hell get harder. I have had my good times and my bad, but the bad are far outweighing those of the good.

My wife suddenly decided to end our marriage very abruptly. She basically walked out and left me in the space of 2hrs, no really prior warning. We have a young son involved, who is in the middle, which really is not fair. She doesnt let me see nor talk to him as much as I would like, and since the separation she has kept saying the same things to me - 'i dont love you anymore', 'its over, has been for a long time', 'we cant be together' etc etc Her main reason for leaving was that she thought I was too controlling, even though I was fine with her coming and going as often or as little as she liked.

Since the separation, I have sent her phone messages, saying I am sorry for anything I have done, we can work on it etc etc. They are either not replied to (ignored), or replied to abruptly. Yesterday, I vented to her and basically told her how I was feeling - upset, hating her and explaining to her that I have tried everything I can to try and sort this out and get back together. This was a phone conversation, and she was on the other end ummming and ahhhing, and saying this like 'so you dont want a divorce', 'i can never come back?' etc etc. I kept running with it, and it felt really good to get it off my chest.

However, this morning I messaged her basically asking if she wanted to work on our marriage and that the decision was hers to make. She replied back saying no, it was over and only yesterday I was telling her how much I dont like her, and that i was pathetic! I just dont know how to go about it, part of me is really angry for what she has done (not only to us, but our son as well) and part of me really wants to work it out and get back together. How should I go about this, she has said all along that we are over, but then when I vent to her and tell her how I feel, she shys away and gives me a few signs she still has feelings there.

I am so confused, please help!

Read up on Plan A...if your WS wants space give her that...dont call her or message her...let her call you and if she does then make sure you act calm and not clingy.

You need to be the lighthouse. Woman need that.

I know you are hurting so badly right now. Panic attack and worry sick of losing your wife but you must control this emotion. The hurt and anger you feel will only make things worst.

Read all the books on affairs and read all the articles on this site. Knowledge is a weapon.

Take care

Well, anytime that she does call me (which is hardly ever), it is always because she wants something. When she called me the other day, I vented, simply because I was sick of being the one trodden on. I told her that I had tried with her - tried finding out what she was thinking, what I could do to make her happy etc etc and I said, that you just ignored everything I said. Like I said, I also told her if she wants to work on the marriage, that is her decision, I have told her many times that I would like to ...

I find myself continually torn between our relationship on one hand, and our sons best interest on the other hand, she doesnt let me see my son nearly as often as I would like (which is a completely different matter).

When I see her (as I currently need to do because of our son), how should I act? She always acts very distant and usually does not mutter more than 2 or 3 words to me.

confused5,

i feel for you, reading your situation,,, it sounds quite familiar.

If your wanting your M, the first thing to do, is not to contact her. As much as even the thought hurts, simply refuse to contact her.
Have a friend or family member contact her-regards to seeing the children.

It's quite normal that you want to send her flowers, cards, thinking of you messgaes,, these don't work,, there may be some cases, but those are small.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I see her (as I currently need to do because of our son), how should I act? She always acts very distant and usually does not mutter more than 2 or 3 words to me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you should simply act as though she was/is a friend. You need to do this, more so now, especially for the child.

Set aside, (as difficult as it sounds) your personal thoughts/feelings about your W, treat her as though she was somebody else's W.

Regardless of what she says, how many words, pay paticular attention- to you. If you fel your hurt surfacing, ust excuse yourself for a quick bathroom trip(or whatever) it's imperative to avoid any LB'ers.

I'm wondering, is she involved w/ someone?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 'i dont love you anymore', 'its over, has been for a long time', 'we cant be together' etc etc Her main reason for leaving was that she thought I was too controlling, even though I was fine with her coming and going as often or as little as she liked.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I heard all of these as well, and then some,, and my W was involved in an A. I too was comfortable with W coming/going as she choose.

part of me is really angry for what she has done (not only to us, but our son as well)

with me, there was "every" part of me mad as he!! It hurt, and it hurt to the most inner core.

As time went by, i was even accused of abuse, poisioning her, and raping her.plus whatever else came along,,, Talk about confused, and angry!!?? I sure was lol

You have that right to be angry, it is a normal emotion.

I hope i'm able to help, even just a little,,

may i ask this?? you mentioned your uncertain what "you" want. What do "you" want? But first, if you want your M saved/healed,, then it starts today, by starting with you.

IMO, sending her e-mails, messages, cards, flowers,,?? will only "push" her furtehr away.

Good luck, and be sure to post ehr often, and always ask questions,, save all of your evnting for in here,, just forwarn,,

stever

The sudden part of this makes me think of an affair. Is there any possiblility of this?

Yes, there may be a possibility of an affair. She has been talking a lot to another male, who used to be her best friend 5 years ago (they have not spoken since), and he has just recently surfaced again. They talk all the time, if not by voice, then by phone messaging. She has told me about him, but just the 'he is just a friend' routine.

I can also monitor her phone records, and there seems to be a few other guys involved as well, that I have never heard of before. Whether they are something new or not remains to be seen.

Mornings are the hardest, as I just feel like sending her a message saying 'I love you, please come home' ... but then I probably know how she will react to this, she will either ignore it, or call me pathetic again.

If she is seeing someone else, and it will crush me if I find out, how do I go about doing something? She will probably never tell me, and keep it a secret from everyone until the time is right, and then what??

Also, how do you combat the statements - 'its over', 'its been over for a long time', 'i dont love you anymore', 'never wanted to hurt you' etc etc

This is what my W tells me at the moment, although there has been some very limited times, where she has indicated she is still a little confused. And if she is keeping herself occupied with other people (and other men) .. what then? She would have it in her mindset that everything is OK.

I guess the best course of action is very little contact between us, which is going to be really hard to do! I always feel like messaging her (cant talk to her), and trying to woo her back.

confused5


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If she is seeing someone else, and it will crush me if I find out, how do I go about doing something? She will probably never tell me, and keep it a secret from everyone until the time is right, and then what?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes, you're correct, it will crush you, you've already made your mind up with this.
I was totally crushed, filled with a lot of hurt.

When i suspected my W was having an A, i shared that possibility to everyone,,, i had already been hearing the "he's just a friend." along with, i never loved you, you're controlling, abusive,,,

When W learned of me saying to others about her A, i was reminded of how she really thought about me, none of which was anything nice or
pleasant.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, how do you combat the statements - 'its over', 'its been over for a long time', 'i dont love you anymore', 'never wanted to hurt you' etc etc</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you simply agree, wish her the best, and make your time with/for her-little as possible.

statements as those made by WS's, are just the fog talk. I'm sure she too is quite confused as well. Right now it's as though she's geting her fix.

To this day, my W still accuses/blames only me, she still denied both A's, and neither has lasted. I missed meeting my W's important needs, which helped her to go astray.

Mornings are the hardest, as I just feel like sending her a message saying 'I love you, please come home' ... but then I probably know how she will react to this, she will either ignore it, or call me pathetic again.

this only makes for unattractiveness,, is this the image yopu want left with her? It's normal that you want to let her know how you feel, you love her, miss her, please come home, you need to refrain from allowing,,,

it's ok to let her know that you want to, or would like to work things out, if you need to say that, then say it, then let it be. say it as though you were Mr. Humble though. keep your conversation times short, polite, and sweet. Avoid all talk about you and her.

you said it,, "I guess the best course of action is very little contact between us"

stever

I am in a similar situation, just after she left, she was telling everyone that 'you dont know him, he is controlling and keeps track of everything. I am never going back, its over' etc etc. But since then I have not heard anything since, its all basically 'its over, i dont love you anymore, been over for a long time'. I see her at the moment, basically having a good time, when she is lonely or has time to think, then she feels unhappy and confused (as evidence of our most recent talk - when I vented).

So, should I just message her, and say something like 'i wish we could work this out, not only for us, so that our son has the loving parents he deserves'?

Purchase and read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. In this book you'll learn about the dynamics of an affair, and how to react to your W's erratic and nutty behavior.

Do this immediately, as your instincts will often (usually) lead you in the wrong direction.

Until you get the book, go to the home page here and read about what cauese affairs, and Plan A, which is the greatest weapon you have to combat this probable affair.

Also, contact your Dr. and explain the sitch to him and ask to be put on AD's, as they'll help you to deal with this intelligently, as opposed to emotionally.

You are in for a rollercoaster ride, my friend, so grap the bar and hang on. Post here with questions and for support. If you follow the Marriage Builder's philosophy, you'll have a good chance of surviving this.

best wishes
SD

I have pretty much read, all there is to read. I am trying to work on my wife and I situation, as well as trying to keep very regular contact with my son. I miss him dearly, and life is so very lonely without him around. He is my everything and I love him more than life itself. The hardest part is not seeing him, as I only have alternate weekends, and one or two 3 hour visits during the week (this is currently going through the courts). I really hate my wife sometimes for what she has put me through, because at least when I have my son, everything seems OK. It is hard without my wife as well, as a lot of the things my son and I do together, we also did as a family.

Sorry to bother, but some help would be great! Mornings are really tough for me.

I sent her a letter last night, basically saying that I cannot have contact with her until she respects our marriage. I said that once she is ready to talk about our future, that I am here, and as hard as it is for me, I need to do this to keep some love in my heart for her.

I dont know if she will acknowledge it when she receives it, maybe she will just bin it. I am going to start NC now, but will still need to speak to my son, so I still need to go through her to do it.

Confused,

I agree with many posters here because I am going through a similar situation.

The hardest part is not seeing your child but for your own sanity, try not to contact her so much and when you need to, keep it short, simple and about your son.

I know it's hard and it will get harder. For me, I have spent maybe 3 hours with my 3 kids since September 17th! And one child is 7 months old so I know what you're going through.

Affairs were not our problem so I don't have the experience to offer advice. But I will tell you this: Your wife is doing the same things my did and she is trying to break you. You may feel broken but do your best to stay away. That's when they come to their senses! It works! Try to gather support from friends and family to distract you. Difficult but in time, it will get easier. Keep writing for support, many people here are going through this as we speak.

I rarely contact her now, and if I do, it is always so I can speak to my son, or for financial concerns. I do not enter into a conversation with her about us (she does not mention it either). We are going through lawyers at the moment in terms of our son, which I really want to avoid, and I really want to avoid going to the courts. She made this decision to leave, she moved out of our family house and she took my son with her against my will. I am basically asking for 50% custody at the moment, as I feel she has taken him from his normal routine and surroundings, and she states that I can only see him every alternating weekend + for 2 or 3 hours once or twice a week!

Totally unacceptable.