I just read dylan's first post in the other thread.

What the h3ll dewt? BS 101!! You should not be doing anything to contribute to her feeling this way!!!!

And, dewt, if you tell me that you "tell her all the time that she shouldn't feel that way" I'll consider showing up in real life to hit you with a REAL 2x4.....hard!!!!!!!

ACTIONS dewt ACTIONS!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe it's time to start looking at your CLAIM that you ended two A's because you wanted to get back with Dylan?? You know that I've always thought that was a load of crap but what you don't know are the reasons I think you ended those A's including the time you ended them.

Ok, I'm done with my AO at you. I'm not going to edit it before it posts either. But if you want support in helping you and dylan heal, I'll get a grip on myself before responding to you.

Help Dylan, dewt. Help her or get out of her way, ok?

Hi... sorry about the delay in replying...

Which first post? Which thread?

Maybe it's time to start looking at your CLAIM that you ended two A's because you wanted to get back with Dylan?? You know that I've always thought that was a load of crap but what you don't know are the reasons I think you ended those A's including the time you ended them.

What do you mean?

I'm not trying to be dense here... clearly I'm missing something...

And ya, I do want your help!

dewt (who is very confused, gets that he's done something wrong, but's not quite sure what it is...)

It was the thread that prompted her to start another one so as not to threadjack. Make sense?!

I don't think it's a matter of what you're doing wrong.

I think it's more of a matter of right things that you are not doing. But that's just my opinion.

Anyway, I haven't had time to post back to your other thread. There are some basic things I need you to clear up for me, but every time I try to put it into written words it sounds very bashing for some reason. I wish I had better writing skills. I'll try to post to you tomorrow about it.

I'll respond to your question about ending your A's.

It stikes me that your A's ended within the usual timeframe that affairs end. I suspect that they ended for the same reasons that most do and not because you were in such a hurry to "get back" with Dylan.

I also suspect that you started them for the same reasons that most affairs start. You had been the WS before. Why again? You already knew what damage it would cause and what you would need to DO to repair that damage. You had been through a MB recovery before, right? Or had you? I had asked you this pretty early on in my postings to you.

I had asked you if you had done ALL the necessary recovery work, if you had dealt with your part in the things that had contributed to the state of your marriage prior to your affair five years ago. I think you said something to effect that Dylan had been a wonderful BW, and that you had done some things but not all of them.

How many of those things have you done in the year since DD? Many of your posts are filled with what Dylan is not doing, what you're not getting from her. I believe that if your posts were focused on YOUR ACTIONS---what ENs you're not filling yet, what LBs you are doing, what ENs you are filling and the results you are seeing, what LBs you are making progress on and what results you are seeing---then you'd start getting somewhere.

Early on when I started posting to you, you praised Dylan for being a wonderful BS five years ago. Can you say the same for the BS you've been?

I'm not trying to 2x4 dewt, not even spaghetti you. It just seems to me that you use your MB knowledge and use MB techniques to manipulate and control your situation. How much closer are you to your goal of a recovered marriage now than on Dday?

dewt, I've been through it too. And it always came back to this: 1) did I still want to rebuild the marriage? 2) it was time to get back to the basics of BS 101 to get back on track.

It's a choice dewt, and it's yours to make. Just like it was mine to make, over and over and over and over again. And when we choose, we are also choosing to accept the things that go along with that choice---the good, the bad, the ugly.

I'll tell you this dewt, whenever I had made a decision and then went full steam ahead with MY ACTIONS to support that decision, it became apparent rather quickly whether or not it was a good decision. Whenever I was wishy-washy, or flip-floppy, or whatever you want to call it, I wasn't just unhappy or miserable---I was on my way to nuts, crazy, whatever you want to call it.

If you want rebuilding your marriage to be an attractive choice for your spouse, then it's time then it's time for (F)BS 101. It's not a guarantee, dewt, it's an attractive choice.

(F)BS 101 lasts until your marriage is recovered or you divorce. So far, neither has happened for you. Make a decision which way you want to go---and then DO IT!!

Take care dewt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingBoundaries:
<strong> It was the thread that prompted her to start another one so as not to threadjack. Make sense?!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, yes. I know the one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>I don't think it's a matter of what you're doing wrong.

I think it's more of a matter of right things that you are not doing. But that's just my opinion.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, this I understand. And unless there's something I don't know that I'm doing, it's the only thing that really makes sense. I need to know what right things to do and how and when to do them.

I've asked her to write or think of a resolution to this... a future... that she views as optimal. This was some time ago and there was no answer forthcoming. Perhaps it is time to ask again. It would be a starting point anyway.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>... every time I try to put it into written words it sounds very bashing for some reason.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please don't worry about this. Say what you want to say and if it's fair I'll appreciate it and if it's not, I'll say so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Either way, I won't take offense and either way we're one step clearer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>It stikes me that your A's ended within the usual timeframe that affairs end. I suspect that they ended for the same reasons that most do and not because you were in such a hurry to "get back" with Dylan.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I started dating in March. It was a concious effort to 'get over' Dylan and feel good about myself. (Please do not misake my matter-of-factness for pride or a feeling that I was justified.) Dating took the frantic neediness away by artificially meeting certain acute ENs. With that, the fog cleared some and I started having second doubts. I started posting here again, trying to figure out what I should do, but conveniently forgetting to mention that I was dating. Dylan posted and 'outed me' pretty harshly.

Well you know what they say about exposure.

I broke up with my girlfriend; not because of the exposure, but because of Dylan's anger. If she was jealous, then obviously things are not as 'over' as I thought. I mean, OP is still in the picture and yet Dylan is still reacting like that? So I woke up.

3-4 months go by and we're still no further ahead. Dylans 1 week trip back to the old town turns into almost a month. Very bad time for me. When she comes back, I tell her how badly I need an answer from her. Still on the fence, but forced to chose, she says no.

And I start to date someone.

But it becomes apparent that managing both a home life and a separate 'private' life is not feasible. Also, it is obvious that Dylan is not dealing with it well. Why would she? I'm afraid of a repeat of what happened last time (patterns) and also having all my ENs met and feeling (artificially) great. So instead of making a decision to just do the right thing, I back off with the girl friend and as of a few weeks ago, there's been no contact. There was no NC letter sent, but I finally told her I could no longer see her. If Dylan wanted me to write such a letter at this point, I would in a second. I don't think she sees a need for it.


I hope that answers your questions about my dating. I tried to give you the facts without an emotional spin. The two other women I had sex with were ONSs. BTW, there is no need for 2x4s on this subject. I have a clear head and my hindsight is indeed 20/20.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>You already knew what damage it would cause and what you would need to DO to repair that damage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believed that the damage was done. That 'we' were done. That there was no hope and it was official. I recognize that now as fog think, but at the time, it was central to my crisis and I was floundering.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>You had been through a MB recovery before, right? Or had you? I had asked you this pretty early on in my postings to you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. I had a summer-long PA with a client. Dylan found MB a month or so after D-day. There was no withdrawal. I jumped right into MBing, doing my best, but over the years I've clearly fallen short...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>I had asked you if you had done ALL the necessary recovery work, if you had dealt with your part in the things that had contributed to the state of your marriage prior to your affair five years ago. I think you said something to effect that Dylan had been a wonderful BW, and that you had done some things but not all of them.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, this is the case. The progress has been pretty slow. There are a lot of things that I simply don't 'get'. I need a strategy to understand her ENs and more importantly understand how to meet them. Like I said, I know what I have to do for me. I need to know what I have to do for her. Because I really want to do it!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>Many of your posts are filled with what Dylan is not doing, what you're not getting from her....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Largely because that's what I need help with. Understanding and honing my perspective to best deal with the situation. My actions are dictated by my decisions which are dictated by my perspective.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>I believe that if your posts were focused on YOUR ACTIONS---what ENs you're not filling yet, what LBs you are doing, what ENs you are filling and the results you are seeing, what LBs you are making progress on and what results you are seeing---then you'd start getting somewhere.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I've printed out the ENs questionaires. They've been laying around for some time. At this point I've developed a pretty serious phobia about coming across as controlling so I haven't pushed, but I'm going to bring them out again and see if she'd be willing to work on that with me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>Early on when I started posting to you, you praised Dylan for being a wonderful BS five years ago. Can you say the same for the BS you've been?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In some ways 'yes', in some ways 'no'. But that's a whole 'nuther thread.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>It just seems to me that you use your MB knowledge and use MB techniques to manipulate and control your situation. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[/dewt screaming and pulling out hair...] Please oh please, tell me why everyone keeps saying this!!! I'm not denying it... I hear it so much that I'm developing a complex... but I just don't see it... the idea of 'controlling' someone else is repugnant to me...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong> How much closer are you to your goal of a recovered marriage now than on Dday?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no idea. Sometimes I feel closer, sometimes I feel like I'm in exactly the same place. Sometimes I feel like we're headed back to where we were before the A happened, and that's the worst... I don't want to recover that marriage, or even that life...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>dewt, I've been through it too. And it always came back to this: 1) did I still want to rebuild the marriage? 2) it was time to get back to the basics of BS 101 to get back on track.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1) yes.
2) yes.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>It's a choice dewt, and it's yours to make. Just like it was mine to make, over and over and over and over again. And when we choose, we are also choosing to accept the things that go along with that choice---the good, the bad, the ugly.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I choose to devote myself to rebuilding this marriage. But I'm sick and tired of spinning my wheels. I need new perspective. I need a new plan.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>I'll tell you this dewt, whenever I had made a decision and then went full steam ahead with MY ACTIONS to support that decision, it became apparent rather quickly whether or not it was a good decision. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But the one thing... the decision I keep re-making, the decision to fight for my marriage is not revealing itself to be the right or wrong decision. If it would, then all this would be soooo much easier.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>If you want rebuilding your marriage to be an attractive choice for your spouse, then it's time then it's time for (F)BS 101. It's not a guarantee, dewt, it's an attractive choice.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well clearly I need help with this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LovingBoundaries:
<strong>(F)BS 101 lasts until your marriage is recovered or you divorce. So far, neither has happened for you. Make a decision which way you want to go---and then DO IT!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, so I need to figure out how.

I'm dead tired, gotta work tommorrow and still have dishes I want to do before Dylan gets home tomorrow. Thanks for posting.

dewt

dewt,

I read this:
"I need to know what right things to do and how and when to do them."

And I thought:
Oh good, he's going to get focused and get on track.

Then I read this:
"I've asked her......"

And I did this:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It doesn't matter what came after the HER in that sentence. BS101 or (F)BS101 is NOT about her! It's about YOU!!!!

dewt, if this was your first experience with affairs and dylan hadn't read the books and didn't know about this site, how would you go about applying (F)BS101? THAT'S what you need to start doing!

And, you need to start doing that WHILE you work on YOUR part of the state of the marriage issues that you didn't fix (or went back into old habits with) after your affair five years ago.

You said:
"I've asked her to write or think of a resolution to this... a future... that she views as optimal. This was some time ago and there was no answer forthcoming. Perhaps it is time to ask again."

Huh? Why? (F)BS101 is for YOU to SHOW her what an optimal future with you will be like. Your committment to change the way YOU'RE doing things comes first.

You also said:
"It would be a starting point anyway."

OR it could be an ENDING point. Don't look to her to make YOUR decisions dewt. Don't look to her to decide whether or not you'll become a good husband to her. Figure out what you want and then do all the right things to get it. Is it a guarantee? Nope. No one, including YOURSELF can guarantee an outcome right now.

You said this:
"Well, I've printed out the ENs questionaires. They've been laying around for some time. At this point I've developed a pretty serious phobia about coming across as controlling so I haven't pushed, but I'm going to bring them out again and see if she'd be willing to work on that with me."

Now you're back to *but Dylan hasn't blah blah blah*. Harley tells us what to do when our spouse doesn't fill out the questionnaires. It's in the free info pages on this site.

This makes me nuts:
"I believed that the damage was done. That 'we' were done. That there was no hope and it was official. I recognize that now as fog think, but at the time, it was central to my crisis and I was floundering."

What made you think it was OFFICIAL? Is there anything official that needs to be done in a common law divorce? How and when do you know that you're no longer common law married?

That's what I need cleared up. Are you married or not? If you're married, it's an affair. If you're not married, it's dating. This is one of the issues I think you manipulate to serve whatever your current purpose is.

You said:
"Sometimes I feel like we're headed back to where we were before the A happened, and that's the worst... I don't want to recover that marriage, or even that life..."

YOU are one-half of *WE'RE headed back....* dewt. *We* can't head back if *one-half* changes direction. Are you willing to do that?

You made a choice:
And I choose to devote myself to rebuilding this marriage. But I'm sick and tired of spinning my wheels. I need new perspective. I need a new plan.

There's a good plan in the info pages of this website <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

This JUST sank in:

"I back off with the girl friend and as of a few weeks ago, there's been no contact."

A few weeks ago?? You did it AGAIN???????

I think you're toast dude. Sorry. Unless......

Er... I think you have misunderstood. I think I miss-typed...

Sorry, it's closer to a few months.

dewt

Ok, I just read through your 2nd last post. I don't really have the time to reply correctly this morning.

Which is ok, cause I need time to think about it. I don't think I'm 'getting it'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

John

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingBoundaries:
<strong> You said this:
"Well, I've printed out the ENs questionaires. They've been laying around for some time. At this point I've developed a pretty serious phobia about coming across as controlling so I haven't pushed, but I'm going to bring them out again and see if she'd be willing to work on that with me."

Now you're back to *but Dylan hasn't blah blah blah*. Harley tells us what to do when our spouse doesn't fill out the questionnaires. It's in the free info pages on this site. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could you link to this, I've been looking and I can't find it.

My WW refused to do anything.

This scenario seems to apply to my WW. Of course, now she has her OM, and has been with him the past year with no signs of stopping.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5055_qa.html

TB

Java, thanks for posting. Sorry it's taken so long for me to reply.

I followed your link and for the past few days have been in heavy thought about the 'controlling' issues. I will likely start up a thread about it because reading the articles has only left me with more questions.

BTW, here's the link for the ENs questionaire: Emotional Needs Questionaire (ENQ)

ttfn,

dewt

Hi Java,

I looked for just a few minutes and didn't find where it is exactly. From what I understand, you fill out the EN questionnaire according to what you know about your WS. Plus, if you can figure out what ENs OP is filling that's a good place to start.

There are people here who are excellent at giving Plan A/filling ENs advice. If you start a thread specifically for that, I'm sure they'll show up.

Take care

Hi dewt,

Want to start with this?

"That's what I need cleared up. Are you married or not? If you're married, it's an affair. If you're not married, it's dating. This is one of the issues I think you manipulate to serve whatever your current purpose is."

I have an idea that might eliminate the problem. Let me know.

I'll tell you what the second thing is that I'll need you to clear up for me---the POJA that you weren't "enthusiastic" about, so it "doesn't really count".

dewt, I'm willing to try to help if you want. But I have to warn you, I don't think it's that you "don't get it". I think that's one of your manipulations.

Still game? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Let me know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingBoundaries:
<strong>Are you married or not? If you're married, it's an affair. If you're not married, it's dating. This is one of the issues I think you manipulate to serve whatever your current purpose is."

I have an idea that might eliminate the problem. Let me know. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dylan and I exchanged vows in front of God. There was no church, there is no piece of paper. Having lived together for so long, we are considered 'common-law'.

I dated twice and had 2 ONS in the past year. Both times I dated, it was established that we were 'done', as in over. Here is where I manipulated to serve my purpose. Everything was too painful for me. I felt I couldn't take it. I put Dylan in a position where I demanded an answer and she was either going to give me a reason to hold on or justification to give up and try to bury my pain.

The thing is this. It's a question of semantics. At the time, my justification was that Dylan was through with me and so I was free to deal with my pain in whatever (unhealthy) way I choose. BUT in my heart I knew I was doing the wrong thing. Technically I may have been 'allowed' to date, but in reality I was being unfaithful.

Unfaithful to my wife, unfaithful to my child, and mostly unfaithful to the Man that I want to be me.

Does that answer your question?

(I really don't want a debate on the semantics of this... Let's just say that whatever ya wanna call it, I made very bad choices)

Which POJA are you referring to?

Anyway, gotta go... parental duties...

dewt

No, dewt, it doesn't answer my question. Not at all. I'll try to rephrase it so that you know what I'm asking.

Let's try it this way.....

In my case, I knew that I was married because I got a marriage license, had a ceremony before God, the marriage license was signed and then filed with the state.

In your case, how did you know that you were common law married?

In my case, I would know that I was no longer married if divorce papers were signed and filed with the state.

In your case, how would you know if you were common law divorced?

I'll use one of your terms---I'm not trying to be dense, I really don't get how common law marriage works. I need you to explain it to me.

I just don't get it that you had an "affair" five years ago, but you've "dated" this past year. Does that mean you were common law married five years ago, and that you were common law divorced this past year?

Are you common law married or divorced NOW? How do you know which one you are? Is it whatever you consider it to be at any given time, or do you have to do something to common law marry and divorce?

Again, I'm not trying to be dense. I need you to explain it to me.

Edited to add:
I'm not trying to argue semantics. I just need a clear understanding of the framework you are trying to work within. It's confusing to me, and I wonder if it's confusing to you too.

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: LovingBoundaries ]</small>

Hello LB,

Not trying to butt in here and certainly not trying to put words into Dewt's mouth as to what his common law marriage to Dylan was, I just thought I could clear something up for you as to the nature of the common law union in Canada.

I can't exactly remember the time frame but in Canada after a certain period of time of living together a couple is concidered to be "common law". You can claim your common law partner on your taxes and if the partnership is disolved each person is intitled to a share of the common wealth, or debt (whatever the case may be) that was accumulated during the union. There is no actual divorce papers that have to be signed, however there could be "settlements" awarded by a court.

I'm not sure if this is at least part of what you wanted to know, but thought it might be useful information for you as some laws regarding marriage and divorce are different here in Canada than they are in the USA.

YES, this is part of what I wanted to know! Thanks Patient Love.

One more question?

"You can claim your common law partner on your taxes and if the partnership is disolved each person is intitled to a share of the common wealth, or debt (whatever the case may be) that was accumulated during the union."

What indicates that the partnership is dissolved? In my case, a judge would have to rule that as of a certain date I was no longer married. When is a common law marriage considered dissolved?

Thanks a lot Patient Love. I know what I'm trying to ask but I have trouble getting it through in print. I'm glad you could see it.

Hi Nicole, thanks for clearing that up so nicely.

I believe the common law partnership is dissolved when you no longer live together. There are no separation papers to file or anything.

However, that's just the 'common law' angle. I believe God's law, and the vows we took to supercede the common law.

So again, technically I may not have been cheating, but I was still being unfaithful. Does that answer your questions?

dewt

Oh for Pete's sake dewt!

"So again, technically I may not have been cheating, but I was still being unfaithful. Does that answer your questions?"

NO that does NOT answer my questions. My questions are about common law marriage. Will you do me a favor and help me understand common law marriage in general before you mix in your own spin on it?

You said:
"I believe the common law partnership is dissolved when you no longer live together."

I'm not asking what you BELIEVE to be true, I'm asking what IS true. Can you find out for me dewt? Who would you have to ask to find out when exactly a common law marriage is considered to be dissolved?

You have said you want help in seeing your patterns and then changing them. I believe that I can see a couple of them but, in order to possibly help you, I need some things cleared up so that I understand the framework you are working with.

Edited to add a question I forgot:

How long do you have to live together before being considered common law?

A few more questions about tax returns:

Do you file a joint tax return? If yes, when did you start? If no, why not?

Starting with the year you first started living with Dylan, which years did you file a joint tax return and which years didn't you?

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 11:22 PM: Message edited by: LovingBoundaries ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingBoundaries:
<strong> NO that does NOT answer my questions. My questions are about common law marriage. Will you do me a favor and help me understand common law marriage in general before you mix in your own spin on it?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Alrighty then. Sorry to have irritated you. I was trying to answer this question:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingBoundaries:
<strong>Want to start with this?

That's what I need cleared up. Are you married or not? If you're married, it's an affair. If you're not married, it's dating. This is one of the issues I think you manipulate to serve whatever your current purpose is.?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyway, maybe I mis-interpreted what you were getting at.

As for the 'common-law' issue, here is a quote from this site (wikipedia) that may help you understand.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Canadian federal law does not have "common law marriage", but various federal laws include "common law status," which automatically takes effect once two people (of any gender) have lived together in a romantic relationship for one full year. Partners may be eligible for various government benefits of married spouses based upon their relationship with the individual who is eligible for some type of family based benefit. As family law varies between provinces, there are differences between the provinces regarding the recognition of common law marriage.

In Ontario, a common law province, the Ontario Family Law Act specifically recognizes common law spouses in sec. 29 dealing with spousal support issues; the requirements are living together for three years or having a child in common and having "cohabitated in a relationship of some permanence." However, the part that deals with marital property excludes common law spouses as sec. 2 defines spouses as those who are married together or who entered into a void or voidable marriage in good faith. Thus common law partners do not always evenly divide property in a breakup, and the courts have to look to concepts such as the constructive or resulting trust to divide property in an equitable manner between partners. Another difference that distinguishes common law spouses from married partners is that a common law partner can be compelled to testify against his or her partner in a court of law.

In 1999, after the court case M. v. H., the Supreme Court of Canada decided that same-sex partners would also be included in common law relationships.

Quebec, which unlike the other provinces has a Civil Code, has never recognized common-law partnership as a kind of marriage. [1] (http://www.justice.gouv.qc.ca/english/publications/generale/union-a.htm) However, many laws in Quebec explicitly apply to common-law partners (called "de facto unions" or unions de fait) as they do to spouses. List of these laws (http://www.justice.gouv.qc.ca/english/publications/generale/union-a.htm#free) As in the other provinces, same-sex partners may become common-law spouses in Quebec. [2] (http://www.justice.gouv.qc.ca/english/publications/generale/sexe-a.htm)

A recent amendment to the Civil Code of Quebec recognizes a type of domestic partnership called civil union that is similar to common-law marriage and is likewise available to same-sex partners.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As for the tax returns... I'd have to ask Dylan about that, but I'm not sure where you are going with it...

dewt