</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingBoundaries:
<strong> If I were in dylan's position, I wouldn't have gotten a job yet either. It would be nothing against you or against the marriage, it would be because it was the lesser of two sucky situations should you bail with no notice. I have also wondered about this--how is it that you could support you and mini but can't support all three of you? I realize that the grocery bill goes up as does the water bill and electricity bill, but is it really that much?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, grocery goes up, but not as much as you'd think as Dylan is an excellent shopper and cook. There are a lot of other things that don't seem so big but together and over 30 days add up.

Also, this is a bit of a trigger for me as one of the things that made our life together (pre-divorce) so miserable was financial insecurity. We have an opportunity to excel together on that front and I'm frustrated and discouraged to see that old demon rearing it's head again. Not only is it depressing to see myself falling behind on my payements, but I know that it's not attractive to Dylan either.

This is sooo big an issue for me. And I know it is for her too. Frankly, I want to scream.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingBoundaries:
<strong>I understand what you're saying about the results of her affair during the past year. I also believe that you do not have a clue as to the damage you did during that same year. I would love to see you focus on repairing the damage you did as a BS, including addressing your part in the state of the marriage issues that were present...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is where I'm blocked. (see previous post)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingBoundaries:
<strong>By your own admission, you didn't do much about your part in the state of the marriage issues that were present prior to your PA (not also EA) five years ago.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't say I didn't do 'much'. I didn't do it ALL, that's for sure. There were areas that I fell short, and in no way am I willing to give up. Because many of these areas are areas where I have to develop for my own good too...

But this is a process... these things don't always happen overnight. And if it's going to be a marriage building process as well as a personal growth process then it would do to have Dylan involved, wouldn't it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingBoundaries:
<strong>Not trying to get on you dewt---just trying to get you to take your focus off of what you're not getting and get it onto what you can DO that might create a situation that enables dylan to meet your ENs too. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, there's a bit of both going on, you know? I think I'm doing well focussing on the things I have to, but the fact is I'm human, what's more, I'm a damaged human and I'm not made of stone.

dewt

Hi dewt,

You said:
"The fact is that right now, Dylan and I are not married. We are divorced."

Well, at least you are clear about what your marital status has been for the past year. But that also means that moving out with mini was not even close to being a Plan B. You divorced Dylan instead of letting the affair run its course while protecting your Love Bank. That is a choice we all have to make when there is an active affair. Btw, Dylan did not have that choice five years ago as your affair has run its full course before she knew about it. I think that you need to consider that when "comparing" whose affair was "worse" for the BS.

You also said:
"Well, there's a bit of both going on, you know? I think I'm doing well focussing on the things I have to, but the fact is I'm human, what's more, I'm a damaged human and I'm not made of stone."

I read this as an implied threat. You know what behavior follows when you start talking this way (you get a gf--for a few weeks or for however long it takes the relationship to run its course). Can you modify my idea so that it is clear when you are still dedicated to becoming an attractive marital choice and when you are done and in the ending process? If six months is too long for you, how about three months notice that your living "together" relationship is permanently over?

Out of curiosity, would you have bolted with mini in the way that you did if you knew that it would be the equivalent of divorce? Or would you have given Dylan a Plan B letter and kept up your part of marital fidelity?

Not easy questions to answer, are they?

Happy New Year to you, Dylan, and the boys!

It's a brand new year, dewt. Want to start it off by listing some of the things that make you a good (future) marital choice for Dylan? Which of her top ENs are you doing a stupendous job of meeting that make you the most awesome person in her life?

dewt, this self-recovery stuff can be difficult at times. I was starting to feel pretty ugly about myself because I was totally focused on the work I still need to do and was totally ignoring (and not giving myself any credit for) what I've already accomplished. BOTH are important. I forgot that for a while, and I apologize if my posts to you reflected that.

Let's start the New Year off on a positive note. I'm giving you the green light to start it off by bragging about yourself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Ready, set, brag!

LOL!!!

And a happy New Year to you too!

Dylan is working right now, so I have both children so I don't have time to post much...

I will try to come back later on...

I guess if I hadda brag about something, it's that I'm a pretty decent Dad.

J

Well, I guess the best thing I've done this year is to reconnect with God and Jesus and really try to reconcile that relationship. Anything good I've accomplished kinda points back in that direction so it's not so much bragging I should be doing, but giving Thanks.

I guess the biggest EN of Dylans that I've been meeting is the need for financial security. And I wouldn't exactly call it security. It just so happens that I'm making a heckuva lot more money at the job I started when I moved here than the job I was working back then. It being construction, and it being winter, I'm not sure the checks will keep coming in, but so far-so good(ish).

I'm also very focused on seeing and understanding her other needs. This will require participation and communication with Dylan. That post of hers that started this whole thread kinda was a slap in the face for me. Nothing new, but it opened my eyes to the fact that there's a lot of things that I'm still not 'getting'.

Despite that, I don't feel so bad about myself. I think if there's one thing about me that I really appreciate, it's that I have a good understanding of my stregnths and weaknesses. I've always found that being honest towards yourself helps one avoid being overly harsh.

Anyway, as for what makes me a good marital choice for Dylan? Well, I can honestly say that God brought us together the first time. God brought us together the second time. I think he figured we were a potential perfect match. I can just picture Him saying, "Well, if they can ever figure out their crap and get it together, they will be absolutely awesome together..."

Anyway, there are a few things in your second last post that I feel I must address...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingBoundaries:
<strong>But that also means that moving out with mini was not even close to being a Plan B. You divorced Dylan instead of letting the affair run its course while protecting your Love Bank. That is a choice we all have to make when there is an active affair. Btw, Dylan did not have that choice five years ago as your affair has run its full course before she knew about it. I think that you need to consider that when "comparing" whose affair was "worse" for the BS.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I didn't have MB at the time as a tool to help keep my thinking straight. Oddly enough it was OP that had taken the computer apart and couldn't put it back together. But yes, I had to make a choice.

Also, I really try hard not to think of one affair as being 'worse' than the other. I think that would be kind of missing the point. Also (for me at least) it's one of the widest paths to resentment that I can think of. So I really try not to go down it...

But how about this...

Yeah, I won't deny that I think her affair was worse. Way worse. And I also think I make a WAY better FWS than she does. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> However, having said that, I also think that my affair was harder on her than hers was on me.

You can't imagine how easy it was for me to forgive her for her affair. The visuals, the agonizing, the excruciating need to know every detail... none of this do I carry around with me. And it was so easy to let go of all this, that for the longest time I wondered if I was just in denial.

Where my problem lies in her not saying this particualar phrase:

"Dewt, I am so very sorry for all the pain I caused you and our son. I'm sorry for tearing our family apart in such a horrid manner. I took a bad situation and made it worse, and for that I'm truly full of regret.

And now we two are are a couple of very hurt people and very broken and damaged.

And we have a long way to go if we are ever to recover.

But I WANT to recover.

I want to heal as a couple. And as indivudals. As parents and as a family.

This is going to take massive effort on both our parts...

...but I'm willing if you are."

And then after saying that, she and I would sit down together and write up a PLAN for recovery. A plan that would include self healing and self growth on both our parts. A plan that would address balancing the needs of the future with the needs of the present.

It's all about the plan.

Anyway, this is scrawled writings... one of my sons is up and is getting bored. Me posting right now... about this... is bad idea...

I'll get back later and try to sort unexpected ramble out...

J

Quick note...

The plan... it IS all about the plan.

A plan gives me direction, and helps me choose my thinking patterns and decisions with a certain something in mind...

A plan is good. Limbo, the opposite is bad.

Limbo is my nemisis. My ultimate emotional hell and my thought destroyer.

But I still won't be dating, no matter how frustrated I get. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ok... gotta go...

J