I agree with the advice everyone is giving you. I really don't know what to say but I am so sorry to hear that you are having to go through this.
Just take care of yourself and that precious little baby.

There is not much more I can do. Unless he is coming home ready to prove he is ready to work on our marriage, do NC, go to MC and become accountable then he cannot come here. I cannot take anymore of this crap. He cannot just leave whenever he feels the need to see her and just ignore us and then come home like he didn't do anything wrong.

When I ask him why he continues to do this. His reply is you know why. What gives him the right to be with someone else no matter how he feels about me? Even if he wants a divorce he is not divorced. Nobody has the right to date another or be with another just because they feel like they don't want to be married. But that is how he has justified to himself to make it ok it his mind.

He still has not called. I left several messages asking him to call because we need to talk about some things. He is not man enough to call though or pick up. He has said in the past he doesn't pick up when I call because he doesn't want to hear me cry or nag him. So it's ok to ignore the kids and me just because he is with her. But when he is with us he doesn't have the willpower to stop calling her and talking to her.

I guess my only option is to tell him it's over unless he is ready to commit. Which I already know that he wants a divorce. So I guess this will make him happy. He got what he wanted. He did this to push me away further. Everytime things start going well and he starts to doubt what he is doing then he does something to push me away again.

SML,

Well he can't hide forever, SML. He will have to return your call at some point, probably on his way home with his buddy.

What is your plan for that eventuality? Have you changed the locks yet? Sent him your Plan B letter yet?

What is your plan?

~ Snow

There is not a way for me to send a plan B letter. I do not know OW's address. Only her email address and cellphone number. I did call and leave a message and told him he cannot come home with or without his friend unless he is willing to commit to the marriage.

If he shows up here I will ask him to leave. I don't care if both of them have to sleep in his car. I cannot have him come here acting like he has done nothing wrong and continue calling her and doing this again next month. If he wants a divorce then fine he can file for one. Doesn't mean I have to sign anything right away. Also in Maryland you have to be separated for a year before he can even file.

I know I probably LB big time this weekend. With my messages. But I just don't think at this point it could be helped. I guess he feels he can do this and I should just accept it or give him what he wants. A divorce.

Hi SML,

As simplistic as this may sound,uplug yourself from the WH and his pain.Take care of you and your new baby but let your WH be out there on his own doing whatever he wants.You have no control over that and when you really comprehend this,it's so much easier to find some inner strength that this situation is no longer an option for you.

YOU stop it from continuing.You do not have control over your WH's actions but you DO most definitely have control over what YOU will and will NOT allow to happen in your life.What is and is not acceptable.

I know it'shard to think about the WH not being there for you now.It's a shameful reason and one in which any decent man would not entertain at all.It's a sick and sordid reason he is not with his newborn child.You are correct that your WH has no right to be with some other homewrecking woman during this time but he is not acting nor thinking with the best of intentions,only selfishly.

Be the pillar of strength and truth,to yourself and your children.You are a woman,I KNOW that you have this power within you.No more discussion,quitely close the door on your WH and his poor excuses.He is no longer welcome until he lives an honest and remorseful life for YOU and the kids.Nurture this stillness in your life SML.STILLNESS instead of chaos.Make this the way in which you live.If it's without your WH then so be it.

O

SML,

I hate to belabor the point, but what is your plan then?

You'll meet him at the door when he turns up and tell him he and buddy have to leave? Seems to me he'll just come in anyway because he will have nowhere to go except his sister's and he doesn't want to burden her with his friend. Interesting he doesn't have the same courtesy to extend to his family.

I am not saying that you have to figure the future out for him and his buddy. I am just saying that you have to have a firm plan, with supports in place.

Change the locks. You can hand him the letter, give him a peck on the cheek, close the door and lock it. If he leaves, good. What if he doesn't and starts pounding on the doors? You have to have a plan. You need to think this through.

Have a family member stay with you during the days he is most likely to show up. Let them be the buffer between the two of you.

What if even that fails to deter him? Then what? Call the police and tell them when they arrive that your husband has just returned from a week-long trip to see his college girlfriend five days after you gav birth to his daughter. Tell him you are filing a separation and want him to go back to his sister's where he is welcome.

No cop is going to turn away from a lady in distress.

You get what I am saying? You have to think about all the possible things that might happen and have a plan. Otherwise, I predict that you will be posting here in a week or two about how nothing has changed and, on top of it, his "roommate" buddy is driving you nuts.

It is so unfair that one week postpartum you have to deal with all of this. But that is the plain, stark truth. Only you can protect you and your kids.

Hugs, Hugs, and more Hugs!

~ Snow

P.S. About emailing the letter.... however you get a copy of it to your WS, be sure to send a copy to OW's father.

SML,

There is a big difference between Plan B and divorce.

There is a big difference between Plan B and anything you've done before OR the ultimatum you just gave him.

You are operating on intuition, pain and anger right now, and what you're doing won't protect you, your marriage or improve your ability to cope with his heartlessness.

Even if he would call this very minute, recommit to the marriage and come home....it would be a mistake to let him. You need a real plan that has more requirements than just words/lies/placating or showing up at the house.

It's time for you take control and stop letting this control you.

Hugs...you have mail

Snow,
Actually my WH would be happy to go. This is what he has been waiting on. He has been doing all he can to make me try to lose my love for him or have enough and just say goodbye. That was his plan all along. He knew he was already gone and doing what he wants. The only thing he couldn't change was my love for him and my desire to try. So he did everything in his power for me to give up on him. I guess to make his guilt a little less. To make it easier to walk away and file for divorce.

So I don't think him coming here and me telling him to leave will be a problem at all.

You know hanging around here as long as I have...
and not being a BS or WS myself..I find posts all the time that tug at your heartstrings...
and a few now and then that just dam well make you cry....

Gods blessings and Grace to your new one...and to you and the children....

time is at hand Sadmary....

to get in control of what you can...

I want you to dim the lights on in the house...
put on some soft music..
christmas if you celebrate...
feel the love of what you have in the children in your home..
I want you to after the older ones are in bed..
get a warm bath..take the baby in a carrier or baby seat if you need to...but take some time to relax....

Much woe and grief is in store to man that abandons...

1. his nine year son...who has already been abaondoned by his mom.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

2. a three year old...and newborn and a mom..

you sadmary are blessed for what is under your roof tonight...
and know that the bed he lays down in tonight where ever it may be...is built on shifting sands...and will not sustain nor keep out his guilt....
no matter where he runs...the above actions are what defines him..

much woe and grief to any other woman out there that lays with such a man...so lacking in honor and value....


Deep breathly in all the strength that you do possess...for even though you don't feel strong...your place in the universe is right where you are with those children...and you can do this...what choice do you have.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

make yourself some warm tea or hot chocolate...and gather your blessings and draw your strength from how strong you are to protect them from the chaos of your husband...who is very lost right now...

no more even thinking of taking him back on false conditions...
seek legal counsel ASAP I am especially concerned for you and your step son...for he has no need to be dragged into that chaos...

put a light in your window that becomes your hope to guide your husband home...BUT not until he becomes worthy of YOU and YOUR children....

sadmary...this is far from over...but YOU must quit calling him...it plays into his chaos...
you want his attention go silent...go dark...
pray for serenity...

NO FRIEND MOVING IN...
NO HUSBAND WALTZING BACK IN...
NO MORE CONTACT FROM YOU..

no more tonight....

you are your family are in my prayers...
pray as well...

ark...

Ark has a way with words! His response to you also helped me. Thanks Ark!

Our WH's sound similar. When you said your WH has tried to get you to fall out of love with him....same here. It's scary to think there are so many people out there like our WH's. It's sad! My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Ark,

Your post touched me. You do have a way with words. Last night I pulled myself out of my slump. I stopped crying pulled myself together and took your suggestions to heart.

We sat down and watched the Grinch movie, listened to some Christmas songs, I read a holiday book to my three year old and then tucked them all into bed.

After they went to bed I took a long hot bubble bath, played a online game and had a good long praying session. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I felt good. I had peace last night. And I actually was able to smile and laugh with my kids.

I did get a message from my WH. I did not hear the phone ring and I am glad I didn't. He made up some excuse about his friend couldn't come till tomorrow so he is staying there a extra night. Whatever. I know why he is staying. For his own selfish reasons. Today it's cold and raining out. I have nobody to take my stepson to school. There is no bus here. They have to walk or be dropped off. I did not want to take my week old baby out in that mess so I had to keep him out of school today. I thought that is why my husband took the two weeks off work. To help me in this type of situation but I guess being with a homewrecker is better than being there for his kids and me.

I feel like writing a email to OW and tell her just how things are. But I know that won't help things. So I will come here and write about my baby girl instead.

She has very dark brown hair almost black, a nice tan already <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , brown eyes and a set of lips that will get her in trouble one day. hehe.

She is one sweet baby. She never cries except when she is hungry. Course she is eating like a little piggy so that is often during the day. At night she wakes up about once maybe twice. Eats then goes back to sleep. Last night I laid in the middle of the bed my three year old on one side and my newborn on the other. It was a sweet picture. One that I will hold in my memory forever.

I hold my little girl and look into her sweet eyes. I wonder how her dad can just leave. I wonder if he misses her. He was quite attached already to her before he left. I wonder how he could just go.

SML,

You've gotten a lot of good advice on here. Being in Maryland myself, and having just gone through a divorce, I'd like to suggest a few things to you.

I know people have been suggesting getting separation papers in order. Maryland is one of the states that does not have legal separation - though I think you knew that already, right? But... given his actions, it really is time for you to protect yourself and your children. How? Get a lawyer. When I first went to see my lawyer, I had been still trying to reconcile right up until a few days before I made the appointment. I wasn't too sure what I wanted to do, and that was evidently clear to my lawyer. She explained how everything works, charged a fairly small fee for the consultation, and told me I wasn't ready to file yet, and to come back when I was.

One of the things she explained to me in that first visit, however, was how things get handled since there is no legal separation. It can get very expensive to have all the matters settled in court, so in most divorces, the people getting divorced do a marital settlement agreement, in which you agree how everything will be split up. Child custody arrangements can go in there too, though those are modifiable by the court. (For the most part, any property stuff in the agreement, as long as both parties willingly sign the agreement, is not modifiable.)

Now, for you, here's the important part. I know you aren't ready to think about divorce yet.... you are having trouble even going into plan B. What my lawyer told me about the settlement agreement, however, is this: it is a protection. It doesn't mean you HAVE to get divorced, and the settlement papers can be done without ever filing for divorce. He will have to agree, and it may be tough to get to some sort of agreement, but... my personal opinion is - get the agreement in place, and get as much protection for you and those kids financially in place, now. The longer you wait, the less guilt he will feel, and the more he will feel he is entitled to keep, and the less he will feel he is obligated to give to you in support.

In a way, the marital settlement agreement is the Maryland version of a legal separation, except the separation doesn't even have to take place necessarily. My laywer said that once the agreement is in place, and both parties have agreed to and signed it, it stands until it is revoked in writing. If you decide to get back together and try it again - don't revoke the agreement until you are POSITIVE he is back on the right path. If you have that in place, and then give him another chance, you at least won't have the fear of "where will this leave me" if he starts fooling around again.

Mind you, I'm not a lawyer. You need to get official legal advice. But I think this is something you should do now. I know you still love him... I still loved my X when I started work on the settlement agreement. The way I looked at it though - he was wasting money - OUR money - running around with someone else. He was not only damaging our marriage, but jeopardizing our financial future. By getting a settlement agreement in place, and trying to keep as much of our assets as possible, I was trying to protect my future, and our future together if there was to be one. I knew if he ever did come to his senses and try to save the marriage, he would be grateful that I kept him from wasting all we'd built together.

It didn't work out that way - and of course, he now feels I am vindictive and he got cheated. But it wasn't fair for him to take all my hard work over the years building a life together, and give all we'd built together to some other woman. Fortunately, I was able to keep that from happening. But the goal at the beginning, for me, was to protect what we had from being wasted by his foolish behavior.

And mind you, we had no kids. I think it is even more important for you to do this since you do.

I know it's hard to think about... especially since you are still really recovering from childbirth and your body is working on getting back to normal. But you really need to think about it. You keep saying you don't see how he can do such harmful things to you and his beautiful baby. If him being harmful in this way is a shock to you, what else will he do in this state that could harm you? How long will it be before his OW turns up pregnant, and you'll have another woman and baby wanting support from him, when you have none set up for your own kids yet? My X's OW got pregnant not too long after we had signed the settlement agreement... and I am so glad I got it signed before that happened, because I think he probably would have fought me a lot harder on things if we hadn't signed it first.

I could keep going on here... but I'd only be saying more of the same. Think about this. I know you don't want to consider this possibility, but you need to to protect yourself. Going this route doesn't mean you HAVE to divorce - it just means that you are protecting yourself from his craziness until it ends, one way or another.

Thanks for all the helpful info. I am in the process of checking out lawyers. This isn't a step I wanted to take but there seems to be no other option. It's been almost a year of this mess and I cannot continue in this chaos anymore. I want my husband back if he wants to come back. But I will not continue to share him anyway with another. I deserve to be loved, cherished, valued and respected.

SML,

I've never posted on your threads before, but I've followed your story a little and I wanted to also offer my congratulations on the birth of your baby and my empathy for the situation you are in. I experienced almost the same situation when I had my daughter. The day she was born my H brought me to the hospital in the morning, stayed around for maybe 3-4 hours after she was born, then told me he wanted to go out for an hour to "get the oil changed on the car" while I took a nap. He was supposed to stay in my room overnight. He didn't come back until 1pm the next day. The VERY NIGHT his daughter was born, he spent with the OW. I am very sorry to admit that even though I knew where he was (and spent that night, alone in the hospital crying), I took his lies at face value because I couldn't face the thought of dealing with his A at that time. I had all kinds of excuses not to go into plan B - the kids and the fact that my terminally ill MIL lived with us. Also, because I knew that if I said to leave, my H would leave and that was the end of it and I wasn't ready to deal with a D yet. Because of my reluctance to take action, I suffered for 9 more months of being treated like a doormat including 2 false recoveries before I did a true plan B that included changing the locks on the doors while he was at work. We have been in recovery now for nearly a year, but I still regret not starting plan B much earlier in the A, maybe less damage would have been done. You have been given good advice here and I don't really have anything to add to it, but I hope that you are able to follow through on some of the advice offered to you sooner rather than later.

SML,

Is there a chance you can ask Penguin for her lawyer's name/# so you can use someone who you already know is familar with these kinds of situations?

L.

I'd be happy to pass it on - my lawyer is a really nice lady and was wonderful to work with - but SML and I don't live very close to each other, so my lawyer would be a rather long haul for her.

Although, SML, if you want to call her and see if she has any references to lawyers in your area, I can send you the info. Just post on here if you want that - I should still have your e-mail.

And just remember - you're doing this to protect your kids. Right now, your WH is not capable of protecting them financially the way he should. You just need to make sure that that part is taken care of, regardless of what happens between you and WH.

Hey-I don't thin I have replied to you before but I wanted to say I am sorry. I hope you stay strong-hormones are all over the place after a baby anyway-and then this on top of it! make sure if you need help to get it. I had to get help when my H left and I wasn't recovering from giving birth.

I don't know how the Hs can be so cold and heartless-I think that way they can make themselves feel better. Mine alternates between being cold and being a sobbing mess of tears.

I have tried cutting contact w/ H-I told him no more stopping by and visiting w/out calling, no more laying around, taking showers here, doing laundry here (yes he did that at the beginning). I set some definite boundaries. Last week was the first week he went all week w/out coming by but he still called every day.

I have major guilt over telling him he can't call about the kids and going completely dark. Also-it is a bit harder for me b/c our son is special needs so we go to a lot of dr appts together. In fact we go to one tomorrow.

I don't really know what to say to you-except that I understand what you are feeling. It is like they are not even the same man-and they try to blame it on anything they can-no love anymore, to many fights, etc....but from what I have learned in the last 3 mths there is something wrong w/ the H and not us. We are the only people that can control our happiness....

hang in there-enjoy your kids. I know-it is gonna be a hard christmas for us all-but we need to try I guess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by penguin:
<strong>Maryland is one of the states that does not have legal separation - </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmmmm - Montgomery Co. does! - where my legal separation was recorded. Isn't this a statewide issue?

Sad - you absolutely need a lawyer who can look at this situation and make sure you are protected and communicate the legal consequences of your H's actions to him. It will not be pretty - he is in big trouble when it comes to what this adventure will cost him if he doesn't soon get his head out of his butt. Please do not make any agreements with your H regarding custody, visitation, property or financial matters without first getting the advice of an attorney.

Can't remember what you've said in the past about this, but please take steps to secure your liquid assets and credit cards, etc. Maryland is a Community Property state when it comes to splitting assets - you can right now secure 50% of all jointly held liquid assets solely in your name.

This is not so much about preparing for divorce, but rather, making consequences felt. You have to play hardball.

WAT