Thank you everyone for your wonderful advice and support. I have the name and number of a lawyer now I just got to get up the courage to actually make the call. I just want to go to the consultation to see what rights I have and get info.

Still no call from my WH. I look for him to call later tonight make some other excuse as to why he has to stay another night. I have not spoke to him since Friday morning. The kids have not seen or spoke to him since Thursday morning. I guess he is doing a plan B on us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If he doesn't stay another night then he may just come without calling or turing on his cell knowing I will be telling him that he cannot bring his friend or come here. I also will lock the glass screen door so he cannot come in without me knowing it.

I guess I just can't help but wonder how he can leave and just turn his back on his. No calls, emails or nothing to check to see if we are ok. He can be so caring and loving sometimes. And before this affair he was so responsible and a wonderful husband and great father. Just think he is enjoying the single life without responsibilty right now. But one day he will have to face reality and will regret the things he has done.

I swear, I think we may have married the same man. Your WH sounds like mine.
Call the lawyer first thing tomorrow morning and get an appt. You will feel so much better after getting some advice. It does help to find out what your rights are. I was scared to death to call and go see my lawyer but once I did I felt so much batter about my situation. Good luck!

Had it out with OW. She was IMing me. Saying to put the blame all on my husband. Told me to F off Christian. She thinks just because I am a Christian that I should not fight for my marriage. That I should just hide meekly in the corner while they do anything they want.

My husband finally turned on his cell but won't pick up when I tried to call. So I am not calling anymore. Shows how cruel and heartless he is. I think he just left her house which is 10 hours away. So I won't see or hear anything from him probably until tomorrow. I have had all I can take. I just don't know why I still love him. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Call the lawyer tomorrow!!!! You need to start thinking about you and your kids. I would go into plan B!!!!
I know how you feel. I still love my WH but I know he is and never will be the man I married. It's heartbreaking but it's reality. I am going through with the divorce and I know things will get better for me and my son.
Things will turn our good for you too. Give it time..wether it be with your WH or not....you will survive!!!!!
My theme song is "I will survive" by Gloria Gainer!!!!! I listen to it when I'm feeling down.

WAT - don't want to thread-jack here, so I'll try to make this quick...

Technically, MD does have legal separation, BUT... it isn't what most people consider to be a legal separation. It's a limited divorce... my lawyer told me when I went to her that getting a limited divorce through the system usually took as much time and effort as an absolute divorce, with the exception that you can't get re-married after the limited divorce. And, even in the limited divorce, unless you want the court to decide everything, which can be lengthy and expensive, the first move is still the marital settlement agreement.

Also, Maryland actually isn't a community property state. Most of the time, the courts rule for a 50-50 split, which means that's how most settlement agreements go too, so people usually assume that's what it is. But it's actually an equitable distribution state. Even though that does end up being 50% in most cases, it doesn't have to be, and the circumstances involved can affect the outcome (though usually, marital misconduct doesn't affect the distribution much, if at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ow has been IM'ing me.

Want to share her IM ID? I'd be happy to tell her what i personally think of nogood whores who think nothing of helping to break up a marriage and curse at a woman who just had a baby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (btw, your description of your newborn made me smile! she sounds like a real beauty.)

Sad - stop communicating with the OW. This will make you crazy and give her power.

WAT

you need to really start focusing on NOT allowing the OW chaos in to your life at all...

no text messages..
no return emails.
no phone calls or talk..

NOTHING...

You can not allow that in to your universe...
and the fact that SHE is text messaging is good...

means things aren't so rosy in paradise...if she feels the need to contact you...

go dark

do not allow you husband home...
his son and your step deserve stability...

that kid has already been abandoned by his own mother...and now dad is doing the same..

disgusting...

drop the I love him talk from your vocabulary..

love is not just a feeling it is actions...
and his actions are anything but loving..
and even allowing those thoughts or feelings to be entertained in your brain...
warp reality...
and suck you right in to the BETRAYED spouse FOG that is as evident and "real" as WS fog...


no contact with OP
none none none none none none none...

let him and her stew in your silence..
let them have to face one another with no INPUT or anything from you that draws their attention and focus onto you and away from the reality of their actions...

every peep from you..give those two something and someone to villify....
don't hand them the weapon...

go silent and dark...and soon enough they will be alone with just him and her....and their devestation scattered around them in ruins....

while you bask in the love and security of family and values....

NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!! WITH OP...


ARK

I uninstalled my instant messanger. And I will not be making any contact with her in the future. She is very heartless. And very mean. She kept saying she isn't in MY life. That if I don't like the pain my husband is causing me then let him go. That I need to get it though my thick skull. She is a loser.

Also my WH shows up at 5 in the morning with his friend. I told him to not come that he is not welcome here. He just laughed and said huh not welcome in my own home. Said that if I screw everything up he will be out of a job and then I won't have a place to live in. Unless I want to pay the bills or sell the house. So he just barged in with his friend and moved his stuff to our basement. He tried to deny that he was with OW. But I know. I said if you come here then there are no more games. I cannot live like this where you hurt me everyday. He said then leave my [censored].

He said I act like is this big [censored]. And that I change his words around or make things up. Whatever. He was laying on the couch and I sat infront of him. I touched the necklace he wears from his mom. I felt something attached to it. I tried to look and he pushed me off the couch and grabbed my arm. Then the baby started crying so he went upstairs to get her. I told him to let her alone but he wouldn't listen. We ended up arguing somemore. I never saw him get so angry before. When I just touched the stupid little gift she gave him.

He says he is not here to try. That to give him time to get things together then he will be out of here. I told him no I don't want you here. He said to bad. I guess all of you were right. I never expected him to act like this. He said I annoy him so much and make him like this. I am thinking about moving up to my parents for awhile. Also I am calling the lawyer today.

who is this a-hole of a friend that moves in to the HOME of a woman that just gave birth...and has two other children in the home...

what type of people are these??>?

honest to pete...I must be daft...but I just don't get it....


YOU ask the friend to leave..

next
NO RELATIONSHIP TALK..

no telling husband he can't get the baby...
neither of you can afford or need any insane power struggles...

no argueing..
no matter the bait...

go quiet but not sulky
no pouting...

put the music on softly
move slowly around him..

be short but pleasant pleasant..
offer him NO incentive to attack or blame you...

diffuse this situation on your end and let him be as chaotic and insane as he chooses...

how long do you think he is staying....

I don't even know what to say right now...
and while not a big man-bashing supporter..

has he ever been angry enough that he has gotten physical with you...

ARK

Never...When we argue he always walks away if he is very angry. I was so upset this morning. And I think we both got out of hand.

His friend acts like a looney. He told me he tried to kill himself when his exwife left him three months ago. That he was in the hosptial because he didn't eat or drink for weeks and was dehydrated. At 5 in the morning he was giong around the house talking to himself. Keeps telling me thanks for having him. I just give him the your crazy look. I called a lawyer this morning they are suppose to get back to me. Not sure what they do when they have a free consultation with you.

My husband said he realized what type of woman I am. That I am spiteful and he doesn't want to be with someone like me. I haven't done anything. All I did was talk to OW and got into it with her. But I guess that made him angry. Course he is not the man I married. I guess I am suppose to take all the crap he dished out and not say a word or he gets angry and threatens divorce.

I just don't know if I should stay here or just up and leave and go to my parents.

Unless you believe he could get physical with you, I suggest you NOT leave for your mother's. However, if your attorney OK's this step, go for it.

My rationale is for setting you up in a better home/financial situation. You could be at a disadvantage if you abandoned the home and your H was back in. Your attorney is best to advise you for sure on this.

I strongly suggest you play legal hardball. Do not worry about PO'ing your H by standing your legal ground.

BTW - who has legal custody of his child? It may not be wise to leave for your mother's with this child in tow if you have no custody rights.

WAT

Nobody really has custody or him with the courts. His mom abandoned him when he was one and never saw him since. I don't think I will move to my moms unless I feel like I can't handle being here or my lawyer advises me different.

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

Wow! Ok, you might tell me I'm overreacting, but... He pushed you off the couch? Grabbed your arm. Ok, it's not hitting you, but he's moving into dangerous territory here. And I'd definitely consider it abuse.

I agree with WAT though - if you can manage to stay in the house, you should. Leaving could have an effect on what you get in a settlement. It's also very much a mental thing... when you live there, it's yours. If you leave, he's going to see everything as his, and that you're trying to take things away from him, and splitting things will become much harder for you.

But... if there's a chance for violence, leave.

After reading this thread yesterday, I really wanted to tell you to change the locks before he got back, but I didn't because doing that can be problematic. But now... If you do get him out of the house, change them immediately. I also wonder if you might not want to consider pursuing a protective order against him. Something to ask the lawyer about. I don't like the idea of using those just to keep someone out of the house - you should never lie to get a PO, but it sounds like he is starting to get somewhat physical

In my case, when my now-X walked out, I went to Home Depot the next morning and changed the locks before I went to work. State law says that technically, since hist name was on the title too, that I couldn't deny him entry if he wanted it. But I was banking on the fact that he wouldn't know that necessarily, and that he wasn't real adept at researching his options. I did this because once he had committed to being with the OW, that meant it wouldn't matter to him WHAT he did to hurt me, and I was afraid he'd show up while I was at work and clean the house out. Besides, I didn't want him just walking in the door whenever he wanted.

A PO, however, changes that somewhat. I'm not well-versed in them, but I think it can stipulate that you have use of the house for the time being, and that he isn't allowed on the property. And, if you think you can get him to just put up with it, the way I did, it would probably be worth changing the locks even without a PO.

Of course, I think timing on that is important too. If you do it while he's just at work for the day or something, he'll be a lot angrier about it. If you do it when he has left to go be with her, it will be more expected and understandable from his viewpoint.

But really, this is all in the details. The important thing here is: get to a lawyer. Find a good one - one you are comfortable with. And tell that lawyer EVERYTHING. These latest encounters with him make me think more than ever that you need to get some protection in place for you and the kids. His fog is extremely heavy, and he could leave you and the kids in a very bad position (financially) without it bothering him at all at this point.

I know this is all very hard, especially when you do still love him, and can't understand how someone that so recently claimed to love you can now act this way towards you. But it's time to be "momma bear" and unsheath those claws. Not to attack, but to protect. And it's time to make a believer out of him. Right now, he takes for granted that because you love him, he can do what he wants without consequence. He needs to start feeling some consequences.

We both got out of hand. I also pushed him and grabbed him. We were both tired and upset. And we both apologized. I called the lawyer and I feel better because I found out my rights. I will post more later.

Wow, your husband is heartless, but my ex bf was just as bad. Why is with guys when a new girl comes in their life they have to be mean towards their current one? When my ex cheated on me, (before I knew for sure) his behavior was different with me, he was colder. On the day that the girl and I confronted him, we had a yelling match and he had the nerve to push me so hard that I fell right on my butt and my sunglasses flew off my face. All this in front of the girl, I guess he was trying to show he chose her. Hmmff but lo and behold he wanted to be back with me 2 weeks after that. Eventually I got back with him and tried to make it work, but he kept bantering between me and the girl. I finally had enough and I lived happily ever after. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He claims he doesnt talk to her anymore and cries to give him another chance but nope. I am doing just fine taking care of my little precious by myself.

Dear SML,
I've been following your story as well. I can't tell you how sorry I am re your situation. I can't imagine going through all of this on top of being post partum. You have to realize you've got amazing strength and resilency!! Your children are so fortunate to have a mom like you!! Plese keep yourself and your babies safe. I'm also really worried about you step son. How is he doing? What would be the plan for him if you do move out?

SML,

The WS is pushing the borders of abuse. As for keeping him out, if you feel you and your family are not safe (understand what the true definition of safe means here), then you must take safety precautions. This is important. Right now he c/b just by his actions causing you to absorb more abuse. This is not healthy for you and your little ones.

As the divorce guy to leave. Let him know that his presence is not helping matters. Ask to meet with your lawyers about filing an RO. Your H threatens his job, he has lived with others before right? He can do so again. Even if he has to live in his truck and borrow another place to shower and change, he can do that.

Let him know you are removing yourself from his triangle. Even though the best thing w/b to cut off all contact with the OW, if you allow the IMing to continue and save them, it will strengthen your case. Maybe you could file and RO against both of them. She is putting great pressure on him and now you are fair game. The OW wants to control not just him but U 2! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Expect the OW to try to communicate with you again. Let your MIL know the WS c/b carrying around a chain with a gift from the OW. Let them put that pressure on him.


Remember safety 1st.

take care,
L.

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

He has been polite and nice to me today. Just his friend gets on my last nerve. It's like he is stuck to him or something. Follows him around like a puppy dog. I told his friend that this is not a good time for him to be here. He said he was sorry for adding to my burdens. But then said thank you for allowing me here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

He tried to deny he was with OW. But I know he was. Can't believe he thinks I am that stupid. I called a lawyer today. I feel a lot better. From what he explained in Maryland to file for divorce you have to be separated for a year. And that would be the only way my husband could file. Unless he made up some excuse like I beat him or something. Told me that legally I can stay in the house up to 3 years after the divorce and stay at home with my child up to 2 years. But I cannot file unless I prove that he is having a affair. I told him I didn't want to file I really just was calling to find out my rights.

My WH says that we can sit down and agree without lawyers. That whatever I want write it down and he will sign it. But I really don't want to give up that easy. He was talking about our R. I asked him why he wants a divorce so bad. His answer was that he doesn't want to be married, wants to be single again, to many rules and restrictions and that he feels he is going nowhere in our marriage. Guess I really don't know what to say. I know the main reason is the fact that he wants to be with this girl and the marriage is the only things stopping him.

Also the lawyer advised me not to leave my home. I guess I am here to stay as long as I can put up with it. He told me to think about how much more I can handle then when I do not feel like I want to go on with it anymore then to make a appointment to see him.

The thing is when my husband is here he is a totally different man. He seems so caring, loving and more like the man I met and married. But when he talks to OW or meets with her it's back to withdrawal and fog talk. I have hope but it's dying fast. Right now my husband associates me with his unhappiness. I hope one day he realizes it's not me but his own actions that are causing it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SadMarylandLady:
<strong>
The thing is when my husband is here he is a totally different man. He seems so caring, loving and more like the man I met and married. But when he talks to OW or meets with her it's back to withdrawal and fog talk. I have hope but it's dying fast. Right now my husband associates me with his unhappiness. I hope one day he realizes it's not me but his own actions that are causing it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SML:

You BY DEFINITION are living the life of an "insane" person --> DOing the same things over and over again expecting different results. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />