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#1236905 12/04/04 07:46 PM
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A man walks into a bar after getting off from work. After he enters, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides to stay and have one beer. He tells the bartender to give him a beer. The bartender tells him he can't serve him unless he gives his penis a nickname. The man looks around and he thinks the two men next to him look straight. So he asks them, "Did he tell you guys the same thing?"
They replied, "Yes."
So the man asks them, "What did you name yours?"
The first man replies, "Chevrolet."
Then the straight man asked him why he nicknamed his penis, "Chevrolet."
The man replied, "Because it's as hard as a rock."
Then the straight man asked the second man what he named his?
Second man replied, "Dodge."
The straight man asked the second why he named his, "Dodge."
The second man replied, "Because it's ram tough."
So the straight man called the bartender back over and asked for a beer again. The bartender asked him if he had nicknamed his penis yet?
He said, "Yes."
The bartender asked, "What have you named it?"
The man said, " It's Secret."
The bartender said, Why did you name your penis, "Secret?"
The straight man replied, "Because it's strong enough for a man but it's made for a woman."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 11:58 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

#1236906 12/04/04 07:52 PM
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I love that one it is super funny!

#1236907 12/04/04 07:55 PM
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*giggle* cute....very cute...going in my joke book!

Can I add one? Three gals were standing on a corner talking about their boyfriends. The first one said...."I nicknamed my man jack hammer" cuz he could jus' break through anything!. The second one said "Well I call my man steam roller cuz he can roll right over anything". And the third one said "Well I call MY boyfriend Courvoisier!"

"Ain't that some fancy French liquor?" the second one asked.

"UUUUUUUUUUH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHuh!"

#1236908 12/04/04 10:44 PM
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That's a funny one star.

Why E-mail is like the penis:

1. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

2. In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

3. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.

4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

5. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

6. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in a whole lot of trouble.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 09:46 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

#1236909 12/04/04 10:57 PM
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The Voodoo Penis

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my a**!"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 10:33 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

#1236910 12/04/04 11:03 PM
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Penis Envy

Jack goes to the doctor and says
"Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack,
"Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base
of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you
unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"
"Well," the doctor explains,
"what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby
elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently then says,
"Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex
again is too much, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light
to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for
his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants
in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his
legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the
pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from
his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and then
returned to his pants. His girl friend was stunned at first but
then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
Jack replied with his eyes watering,
"Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my [censored]."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

#1236911 12/05/04 12:14 AM
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I don't usually chase the joke threads, but this one makes me recall my vasectomy a few years ago...this conversation took place in the room where the urologist did the procedure:

The urologist has just taken a needle full of the local anesthetic and says to me:

"You're going to feel a small [censored]"

Binder: "So are you".

In retrospect I now think its better not to make a man laugh that is holding sharp object around your private bits.

#1236912 12/05/04 12:39 AM
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Hi Binder,

Yep I also had a vasectomy and I remember the same question from the urologist.

Want to hear something funny about my post-vasectomy follow up? My urologist told me to go back one month later and to take a sample of my semen to have it analyzed for anymore viable sperm cells. Well, I did just that but when I got to the doctor's office, the lady receptionist said that I had to make an appointment prior to bringing my sample. Did I feel like a doofus, because a few minutes before I was in the men's bathroom, merrily extracting my sample only to find out the doctor was not in. DOH! I guess you could say that quite a few of my brain cells had been ejected as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

#1236913 12/05/04 12:51 AM
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Just a reminder, this is marriage builders and there are guidelines to posting.

Please don't reply that you've seen worse here. Mods are aware threads/posts that do not conform are often not reported or seen by us.

This one has a very mod eye-catchy title.

I'm not locking it, yet.

#1236914 12/05/04 12:52 AM
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I remember having to give one too! The receptionist at the lab gave me that vial thingy and I asked her if the sample would still be ok if a little saliva was mixed in with it. My wife and I were on slightly better terms back than.

#1236915 12/05/04 12:57 AM
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Archuletan

Sorry about that. I will change the title so as not to have someone offended by it.

TMCM


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