I have read on multiple posts that part of Plan A is to expose the A to the world.

My WW has expressed her desire to keep her A under wraps from her parents and friends. I really think that they should know so they might be able to talk to her about it and be another part of our support chain.

I have a bad feeling that if I tell them, they will think that if my WW didn't want them to know, then I shouldn't tell them.

My WW is very close to her parents and the other way around. I think that if I tell them I will hurt all three of them and they will all turn on me.

I have posted my story under the topic "New to MB. In Marital Crisis" if you would like to read. How should i go about it, or should I do it at all? Should I try to talk my wife into telling them?

C'mon Melody please jump in here!

Do not talk to you W about telling her family/friends.

Do not give her any inclination that you yourself may tell them.

Doing either of these will give her warning of what you are going to do and will give her time to perform damage control.

But yes, at some point soon, everyone who has an influence your WW's life needs to be told the truth by you.

DKelly how is not telling them working for you now!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> TELL!!!

Dkelly,

If you think the affair is still ongoing then exposure to key people who can help bring about its end is desirable.

Telling the whole dang world would not be beneficial, IMHO. But perhaps talking to her favorite sibling, or her parents, or a special friend who you know will support the marriage and help her end contact, that is the route to go.

If you are faced with an ongoing affair, then keeping her "secret" is enabling the affair to continue.

~ Snow

While I agree that exposure is very important, I really think there is more that goes into it then just telling the world.

Its about support to end the affair. What good does exposure do if the people you expose to will support the affair? Or push you to just call it quits?

Before exposing her affair, you need to come up with a list of people who exposure to will help you in your goal.

She told her twin sister when it happened. I have also talked to her sister about it. Also I did not ask her to take sides, she is totally apalled at my wife's actions. She is planning on talking to my wife face-to-face about it and how she feels.

I am going to tell her parents and be sure that they know that I am not telling them to stab my wife in the back. I will ask for them to support our marriage, not just to take my side. THIS HAS TO END!

Do you recommend that I call the OM to tell him how I feel? Should i tell him not to call her anymore, or do you think that it will only damage my relationship with my wife?

DKelly,
I believe in exposing the affair only for the purpose of ending it (this doesn't include the OM's W. She deserves to know know matter what). If your W is still wayward, I'd expose.

I believe it's best to do it in phases. Start with OM's W. She will have the most impact on the affair. Most married men when push comes to shove will not leave their wives. This is specially true if there are children.

If this doesn't end the affair then tell the next group, which is her parents and siblings.
Tell them you love your wife and you are telling themnot as revenge but to get their assistance and support. Remember the saying that "blood is thicker than water."

If this doesn't help, tell anyone else that you think has strong influence over your wife ie best friend, guardian, grandparent etc.

If this still doesn't work and the affair partenrs are co-workers tell the employer. Hopefully he is her supervisor so the company will fire him for his sexual harrassment of your wife. In most state it doesn't matter if the SH is wanted or not.

The key is to only tell people who can have an affect on ending the affair.

WARNING: As a BH you will be especially suseptible to feelings of humiliation later in recovery. Most BHs do not want to be around anyone who has any inkling of the affair. Keep in mind the more people who know the more likely these feelings of humiliation and shame will affect you.

In my case I can't stand being around the three people who know: her mother, her best friend and my mother.

Try and end it by just telling the OM's wife.

Mac

I am a big advocate of disclosing the A. I believe that most A's can't stand the light of day or intense scrutiny. A's are all about the fantasy and the addictive feelings that brings. Disclosure ends the fantasy and the secrecy.

I don't think you need to shout it from the roof tops, but I do believe telling the OP W and telling the WS's friends, family and your family is important. It is not up to you to feel ashamed and embarassed. You didn't make the poor choice. Let the WS be accountable to everyone for the poor choice.

For the record, I told my family, my in-laws and my friends. Most were very supportive of me. I believe that disclosure was like a "bucket of cold water" on my WH. It snapped him back to reality very quickly. It doesn't always work that way though. Just a warning, it has been my experience that "blood is thicker than water" and as shocked and repulsed as your in-laws may be they will, in all liklihood, stand by their child.

Dkelly, Star*fish once posted the following post on exposure. It’s a very good guideline:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exposure is one of the strongest and most necessary parts of ending affairs....especially when NC cannot be established or affairs have become entrenched. The right time to do it is Plan A. Why? Because in Plan B....it is viewed far more as revenge, sour grapes and simply vindictive. When you are actively trying to save your marriage is when you should expose.

The model of exposure I like best is done in steps. Because exposure is so traumatic...and can cause huge withdrawals...do the exposure that is necessary. Is the OM married...if so...then exposure begins with his wife. Wat and I recently discussed this....he called it a model of concentric circles:

At the center is the WS....they are the first to be told what you know and how you know it. Just outside of that circle is the other BS (if there is one). Together...they are the first line of defense against no contact. If contact ends....exposure goes no farther. If contact continues after it has been revealed to them....close family (parents, siblings on both sides) plus a trusted pastor or priest... are the next circle. If contact ends...it goes no further. If contact resumes, close friends/neighbors who are also friends of the marriage would be informed. If contact still continues....the last circle are work and church.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree you should only proceed with exposure if there is still ongoing contact between your W and the OM. I also believe the only purpose of exposure must be to end the A.

Suzet