can a WW be in the recovery stage while she is still in w/drawal? it has been 6.5 weeks since DDay and NC, she say she is willing to try, but it is hard to see any progress. thereis NO afection given to me. i am trying to avoid LB'S and meet herEN'S, but how for how long? i know she is still in the fog, and i want our m to be better then ever, i just don't know how long i can go on w/out something positive. thank's for listening, any advice or input welcome. it is a down day and i guess i just needed to vent a little.

NC is the beginning of recovery. Are you sure she is having NC? If so, don't expect anything from her while she is going through withdrawals.

Try to spend 15 hours a week (if she will let you) doing fun things with her.

believer, thanks for the reply. i have read a lot of your posts' in the last couple of weeks and have a lot of respect for your input. any idea how long w/drawal last's? the A lasted about 15 months, even tho it was long distance and mostly on the net, it was still pretty intense. they did meet physically 4 times and it was a PA also. she says she has been unhappy in the m for several years long before the A, and doesn't know if she still loves me.

Yeah, they all say the same thing, blah, blah, blah. Withdrawal is kind of hard to predict. I have seen some here where it goes on and on and on. Others seem to get through it very quickly.

The fact that she is willing to have NC is very promising.

Just don't expect anything just yet from her.

it is amazing reading on here how simularly they all act. i would have never thoghtit would be that way. wish i still didn't know. does watching our girls play b-ball together count as "quality time" together? that covers at least 12- 15 hours a week. i can't hardly watch t.v. w/ her, i never noticed how much every show seems to deal w/ lying and cheating ountil now, very uncomfortable to watch. there is definitely NC between them since oct 19. any other input or advice gladly accepted. i love my wife and want to be happy and grow old w/ her. thanks for listening.

Hmmm. The time you spend with your wife should be spent with her alone, doing things together that you like to do, WITHOUT the children.

So get busy, and do something with her. You can take walks together, play games, or whatever.

Well arjdad,
I feel like I am reading a chapter out of my life. I am having the same problem with my ww. My biggest problem is the lack of affection by her. My dday was july 1st this year. I am on a emotional roller coaster. I know what you are going thru, so hang in thier. I never realized this would be this hard. This is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life.

According to SAA you should spend 15 to 20 hours of undivided attention together. Me and my ww have breifly talked about taking a weekend and going away without the kids once a month. Being that my wife has been in what started as an EA then a PA, Her Pa was because she felt the Om needed it because of how long he has been without SF ( 3 1/2 yrs ) So she was filling his SF En and he was filling her communication, effection, and all the other things I was not. From what I gather from SAA i'm looking at six months of NC before we talk about the M. I want to learn to be her friend first and maybe through meeting her EN's she will at least start to except some of that Love money back into her account. SAA has really helped me. My ww keeps picking it up and flipping through it and asking if she can read it.

Her attacks go from good to bad in one second, I know it's because of the Withdrawal and I need to just reverse babble her and smile.

Give your spouse 6 months of nc and then see if they want the M...My ww at this moment is only planning on staying with me till June and then she plans on moving out. that gives me six months to support her in her Nc and fill what En's she will let me, I guess I'm lucky that she still enjoys sex with me and has no problem holding me at night and hugging me. I know she forces herself somedays but then other days I can see her efforts. I wish you the best ofg luck and Believer is awesome in her advice, so is Greycloud and Standing Together everyone here really does care about you.

i agree this is the hardest thing i have ever done. when my dad died 10 years ago, i thoght if i could make it thru that, nothing else could hit me nearly that hard. boy was i wrong. this is far worse. i guess it is because with death, you know it is over, and you have to move on. this just seems to drag on and on. it is hard to keep trying to do the right things to try to save your M ,when you are not getting anything in return. i know, patience, give her some room. am i supposed to wait 6 months before we even discuss saving the M? the last 6 weeks have seemed like 10 years, 6 months w/no positive signs may kill me. but like i often tell our kids, " doing the right thing is not always the easiest thing". now i know why they don't like that quote. oh well, thanks for listening.

Arjdad,

I do see one thing that is positive. You have NC, and she is still living with you (I presume). Those are pretty big from where I'm looking from.

I agree,

Look at the positive side of things she is till there and she has had NC..

My ww is only going on day 13 of nc and is telling me she is still moving out in June...

I have had some pretty bad day's with her moods, But I won't even have the R talk with her until she has completed six months of nc and I feel like I have really given her the En's she needs..

Every sitch is diffrent, my ww and I still have sf, only because Om does not make her have the big O and I take care of her needs,

Now does she come up and hold me and hug me, hell no but thats ok.. I'm a charming kind of guy, she can't resist these boyish good looks and this charm, well maybe she can but thats ok, not for long...

Well, I guess I am pretty lucky. We are 17 days NC from a two month A; and I just about gave up today due to absolutely no affection from her. Then tonight, she came over to me and we have cuddled and kissed and laughed and just had a wonderful night. We go to MC for the first time on Tuesday.

You know, I truly believe that God knows just how much we can take and then takes mercy on us. I was seriously about to give up on all this today and then she tells me that she loves me and will do whatever it takes to fix our M, then gives me affection all night.

Praise God!

<small>[ December 05, 2004, 10:12 PM: Message edited by: Hurting Hoosier ]</small>

HH,

That is awesome! It's stuff like this that give me hope!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by native00:
<strong> HH,

That is awesome! It's stuff like this that give me hope! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is hope, don't ever doubt it! I give all the glory to God! I went to church this morning for the first time since d-day and quite a while prior to that (fww wouldn't go with me). I don't call that a coincidence.

Let me say it one more time, Praise God He is mighty and life is good!

Again awesome HH, I too have been recently restored to God. Unfortunately it had to take this current trial to bring me closer to him. I'll say a prayer for you and arjdad and jets and everyone else on MB tonight!

Just an update, when we went to bed I couldn't help myself. I asked her 'Is this just some kind of dream or is my baby back?'....she nodded her head yes and said, "I'm back."

This morning she was as good as she has really been any morning since we've been together, not a real morning person, but not one harsh word, not one LB..a kiss and ILY when she left for work...

I know there will be bad days still, I know I will take more time to truly forgive and heal, I know she's not through withdrawal yet..but things sure do look better to me, at least for now!!

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 05:26 AM: Message edited by: Hurting Hoosier ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>can a WW be in the recovery stage while she is still in w/drawal?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, but only if there is No Contact between the FWS and OP. As believer has said, recovery starts with NC. However, while the FWS is still in withdrawal, the efforts of the BS’s to meet the FWS’s emotional needs will be very disappointing. Please read the following I've copied from one of Dr Harley's Q & A columns:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.

But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.

It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This doesn’t mean you can’t meet her EN’s, but the best thing right now (while she’s still in intense withdrawal) is to meet the EN’s she allows you to meet.

The length of withdrawal is not the same for each person. It depends on many factors such as the length and intensity of the A; the way the A ended and if there is still unresolved issues; personality; “sensitivity” level of the FWS etc. A good estimation of the time of withdrawal can be the length of the A. If the WS have unresolved issues regarding him/herself, it can also have a big influence on recovery and the time of withdrawal.

Here is some suggestions how to help & support your W through withdrawal:

1. Be your W’s greatest friend and confidant. Encourage her to confide in you and create an environment & atmosphere that will allow her to feel safe and secure to reveal her innermost feelings to you. Maybe you can start to be honest with her about you innermost thoughts and feelings and in the process encourage her to open up towards you too without the fear that you will Love Bursting or criticize or judge her.

2. Be you W’s ‘sounding-board’ during this difficult time. Whenever possible and whenever you feel strong enough, listen to her with empathy, understanding & care. Continue to communicate your negative feelings too, but do it without being judgmental or love bursting. I know this is a lot to ask and will still be hard to do sometimes, but you WILL receive the benefits, especially when both of you are further in recovery!

3. Realize that your W will go through stages and feelings of guilt, self-rejection etc. During this times, try to let him feel accepted, tell her that she made a mistake, but has decided to turn away and follow the right path. During times like this remind her that he is forgiven by both you and God. Remember, sometimes feelings of shame and guilt and fear to hurt you again, can prevent her from being totally honest and open to you about her feelings.

4. Assure and tell your W that she must feel free to talk to you whenever she needs it of feels like it… Encourage her to speak to you whenever she feels ‘down’. If it feels okay with you, ask her about her feelings and show interest and concern about her feelings out of your own. As a FWW it was very difficult to overcome my own pain, loss and grief and on the same time dealt with the pain I've caused my H. I know it would have meant the world to me if my H could ask me about my feelings, without me initiating the subject.

5. If you W needs to talk and you feel it’s not the right time for you at that moment, have the courage to tell her that you really want to listen to her, but on another time when you feel stronger and ready to listen. At the same time your W must also have the understanding and care to allow you to be honest towards her too. This is really a give and take situation. Your W must also encourage YOU to speak to HER whenever you need it or feels like it. On this way both of you will help each other to heal and recover. On this way you will become EACH OTHER’S greatest friends and confidants.

6. You can convince your W to read and post on this board. Support and help from experienced members here will also help her through this difficult time.

And emember, the pain “deserved” for your W is real, and the healing to some extent really takes time. So, be patient with both you and your W and give it enough time and patience… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 07:41 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

iwow! thanks for the replies and encouragement. it almost feels like we can feel each others pain. i wish we all could have met under different circumstances, but i am glad i found this place. hurting hoosier, you have inspired me to keep on trying, i hope to get to where you are at soon. Believer, thank you for the response and sharing your knowledge w/me. when we go to the b-ball games, it is just me and her in the stands watching the kids, one in H.S. and one in JR. high, thats 3-4 nights a week. we usually try to get a sitter for 6tear old bro. it is about the best i can do right now , timewise to spend with her. but, we are both active parents and really do enjoy watching the girls play ball. does this count? thank you for listening. suzet, thank you for the info,i had read it before, but needed reminded. about the length of the w/drawal maybe being as long as the A, that is a little discouraging to me, as the A lasted 15 month's. i realize that it could take that long, it is just hard to imagine.also, after 7 weeks since dday and NC, do you think she would/could be ready to take the EN'S questionaire? do you think it is not to soon for her to come here and read these posts' from some people who are or have been in her exact shoes? any input appreciated, thanks all

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> about the length of the w/drawal maybe being as long as the A, that is a little discouraging to me, as the A lasted 15 month's. i realize that it could take that long, it is just hard to imagine.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The length of the A is just a guideline and not necessarily true for ALL FWS’s. It’s just an observation from what I’ve experienced as a FWW and from what I’ve read from some other members on these boards. The other extreme is FWS’s who don’t experience any withdrawal at all… It’s really a very individual thing and IMO it depends on the factors I’ve already posted to you. IMO withdrawal will take longer where the A started out as friendship comparing to a situation where people gets involved in an A immediately (like an ONS) and have not yet get emotionally connected and learned to care for the OP. It also depends if the FWS suffers from depression or any other mental/psychiatric disorders. In my situation, ‘real recovery’ from my withdrawal started after I received medical help for OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder) with associated depression and anxiety. I also had unresolved issues regarding my childhood and myself at the time and I believe those things also had an influence on my personal recovery.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> after 7 weeks since dday and NC, do you think she would/could be ready to take the EN'S questionaire?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I think she can, but maybe you can first ask her if she feels ready to do this. I think it’s important for both of you to fill out the EN’s questionnaires to get familiar with each other’s most important EN’s. Even if you won’t be successful at this stage to fill all her EN’s due to the withdrawal, at least you will have a good knowledge on where to start on this.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>do you think it is not to soon for her to come here and read these posts' from some people who are or have been in her exact shoes?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I don’t think so… While I was in early withdrawal, these boards also helped to clear my ‘fog’. Although I was still in withdrawal, these boards helped me realize that my ‘bond’ with OM wasn’t such a special and unique ‘friendship’, but in fact a very sinful and damaging emotional betrayal towards my dear H.