Hello all,
I am prettymuch in plan B with WW now and i am having a terrible time sticking with it.
Every three days i talk with her on the phone and it may start out with kid related stuff but then goes into relationship talk. I know, I know this is where a middle person would come in handy, but the problem is me. I still want to talk with her and still trying to fix something that she by now feels is not fixable.
She lives her other life now with OM and his family in her apt. every other week. I still sit here and from time to time think that she is out with him tonight or she is cooking for him and taking care of his kids. It just kills me, knowing our family the boys and i have been moved from first class to coach.
I talk with her tonight and told her that she needed to pick up the rest of her stuff because i guess u are not planning on comming back. She pretty much admitted that she wasn't and that she would pick them up. Again my heart fell to my feet. I guess i am having a hard time excepting reality. I still feel like someone just cut half of my body off. After 20 years of knowing someone how could they be so mean and cruel.
She states i am not being mean to u i just can't keep talking about this every three days. I told her i am sorry my heart is still in love with you i am sorry i have not been able to move on like you. She keeps saying i told you i hope to reconcile in the future but not right now, and i cannot give you a time frame. She is in intercounseling and she told me therapist told her that i am still in anger phase and i need to process this for myself. My ww wants to remain friends and i do to but i want more than that with her and she doesnt. My counselor says what everyone else says. Don't totally shut down on reconciling but move on with your life and find what is important to you. Sad part is my WW and having my family as one was important to me as well as the rest of this family. I start to tell her this and she goes off saying i don't want to talk about this, i going to hang up. Why because the truth hurts????She can deal with truth?? Too much reality breaking through her fantasy world????
Sometimes i start to doubt why do i want to reconcile. I read so many posters on here and they just seem to be living together where one is doing all the work bs and Ws is basically having a hard time dealing with things. I cannot fathom living a asexual life with my WW and i know if reconciliation was in our future, it would be this way for a long while with her.
I think sometimes maybe i should just give up on the idea. She seems to have. Her actions don't match her words. Emailed me the other day and wrote I love you and always will.......you know that. I wrote back Whatever?!?
Her actions don't match her words.
I said i just want to hope a small part in that heart of yours misses me and she said there was and she did. This made me feel breifly happy but then i think then why are you doing all this???
I told her big part of my heart misses you. She then said her batteries where dying and she needed to get off. Doesn't want to deal with reality. Got off telling me that my counselor should be working with me on all this overanalyzing that i am doing with the sit. and Stinkin thinkin. I told her hey i don't think you have that right to tell me what my counselor should be working with me on. She said didn't mean to tell me that was saying those are the things that should be being address. Same thing i guess.
I hate this. I know i need to move foreward for me and it kills me that WW has had almost a full year to do this with her feelings for me. I feel like i have been cold cocked and at times feel like i am comming to but other still punch drunk with all of this.
IC suggest to only talk about kids that it, nothing else. Week she has kids don't call her even to just talk with kids. Let your kids call you and let them know before they leave that they can. Stated that you will push her away further with what i am doing now. Still having a hard time accepting this logic. Still feel it is only pushing her closer to OM and she is losing any feelings she had left for me.
Help any suggestions on how to make this easier on myself.
Thanks,
I needed to vent
jets

Jets,

My 2 cents. I really think your killing yourself here in your Plan B phase. Plan B is about you and your kids. You should let her go, as someone wiser than I said on another thread. "You can't control you WW, only yourself". If you keep calling her you don't give her the chance to miss you. It doesn't sound all that bad though, from what I can tell your not meeting any of her EN's right? I've given myself a timeline. At the end of this month, I'll be moving into Plan B, to protect myself. I'm worried but I have to do it for me and the kids. In SAA it says that once in Plan B that WS and OP are with each other more and then they see each other's true colors. They are with each other during the good and bad times. If you left your WW on a good note (during Plan A) that is what she'll remember.

Of course I'm no expert and am quite new, but I'm trying to stick to SAA as much as possible. I hope you can start taking care of yourself. I've been going out on Fridays and Saturdays with friends (the same nights my WW does, and I make sure she knows it too). I'm starting to feel better about myself. Get a sitter and go out and have some fun!!

I hope your WW wakes up soon!

Thanks Native,
You are right and my IC and family echoe the same with not giving her a chance in missing you.
It is so hard though. I am trying to think of the kids and me, and at times it is good but then my thoughts drift back to WW and what is she doing?
Can't meet her EN when she not living with me or talking much with me.
Wierd part is she offer me food for tomorrow i kind of love busted and said left overs that OM couldn't finish. She said NOOO i am asking you if you want any Chilli tomorrow. I can't eat it all. Said sure whatever you want.
She said she is being open and honest with counselor affair and all. Just hope counselor is not stirring her away from us.
This nothing i can do about it and i just have to let it go i guess. I am giving myself a time line May of next year. I will still plan on doing my thing prior to that but i think i will have a good idea about where i stand with her by then. Om will be out to see for 2 mo. by that time. Although as i said before by reading other posters here in recovery. It really sounds even more depressing at times and the bs really sound like they struggle to make there marriage work.
I guess i will know by then as to where we stand with each other, and that it maybe at a point where our marriage is completely unsalvagable.
Maybe getting too far ahead of myself, but having a hard time seeing myself forgetting all that she has done to me.
jets

Hi Jets, Just read your post on Plan B and I'm glad that you came here to vent. I understand your feelings about being scared and concerned about Plan B. I felt the same way...both times I was in Plan B.

Plan B is for us the BS's to save us from the chaos. At first Plan B was scary and then it became a safe place. Some of the things I did to keep myself from obsessing about WS, was to get a calendar and plan my time. I thought about the things I wanted to do and I tried to make sure I had something planned for everyday. I had backup activities also just in case the plans did not work out. I really made sure I had plans for the weekends which were hard. I knew I would miss hearing H's voice so I saved voice mail messages from him.

So what would you like to do or do with the kids. This is a time to explore yourself and with them. I know it is hard....but what would you like to do? Go to the movies? Go to the library? Learn a new hobby? Learn to paint with the kids? Build something for someone less fortunate for Xmas? Donate time to help someone for the holidays? What do you want to do with your time? It may help ease the time...it did for me. Plan B was another opportunity for me to work on me.

I hope these suggestions will help. And may God watch over you in this journey. Keep venting and posting here. We understand. ss

Jets,

You are right and my IC and family echoe the same with not giving her a chance in missing you.

Again my 2 cents. Okay they're all saying the same thing. So again, IMVHO, call her one last time (one more time ain't going to hurt I guess). And tell her in a kind, caring tone "to not bring the Chilli over tomorrow and to please respect your wishes in not contacting you anymore, except in an emergency or through your mutual friend. That you do love her and want to recover your M, but that her current sit. is not helping you perserve your love for her". Then stick to your guns. Of course I'm only talking about what I have read, you are farther then I am, as I'm going to start Plan B Jan. 1. I hope I can follow my own advice!!

Thanks SS,
Someone else who went through her divorce years ago said she did the same thing.
My sit. is that i have the kids everyother week.
This weekend we went to see The Kranks, which was fun and went to store to shop a little. This was fun and i enjoyed being around them. Really get used to having them around by the end of the week and then they have to go again for a week.
I will try the calendar thing and try to busy myself as much as i can.
Thanks for your support and prayers
jets

Wow Jets, you wrote my story to a "T". I wish I had some words of wisdom but I am right in the middle of this with you, everything you wrote is what I hear. Im sorry your going through this, but you must learn to control the LBs, every little one is a step in the wrong direction. Ive learned that the hard way....I can say, when I stopped the Lbs there for awhile, she was coming around more, calling more etc. The hard part for me also is the R talk, that is so hard isnt it? We think they need to hear that from us, that it is going to prove something to them, Im learning it doesn't, all its made my W bring up is how bad it was. Keep posting and let us know how its going, but get control over your emotions and think before you speak, thats the best advice I can give right now, you know what you need to do.

Did not have time to read the whole thread, but wanted to tell you my experience. I did one short Plan B and let H come home before we had a plan for NC etc. Contact resumed. About 6 months later, had to Plan B again. I was just reading in my journal what had been going on during that time. My H was still spewing fog talk and we were talking which we shouldn't have been during a real, effective Plan B. Once I got better at no contact, not begging, seeming like I was moving on with life, boy did things change, and quick. Plan B means no contact with your WS and using a middle person to deal with business type issues/kid visitations etc. Until she really has ONLY the OM and feels that you are not just hanging out waiting for her, it will be a lot different. I also recommend to you "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. Strenthening during this time when WS are continuing an A.

Thanks,
Gadge
I am glad someone can relate closely with mine.
I know i need to stop with the LB
and more than likely now with the relationship talk it is also probably consider a big LB to her right now.
Hanging in there
Not planning on callher tonight. Too late for the chilli it will be here tomorrow morning, but she will be taking more of her stuff with her tomorrow. I am trying to clean my house and alot of her stuff here is memories that are making it rough on me.
Will try the calendar thing and try and busy myself.
Will keep posting to vent.
thanks
jets

Are we the same person Jets? I just wrote in my other thread about reading all the old love letters etc while I was cleaning and packing.

About hanging tough, you have no choice, of course youll do it, you love your W. I had to pick something about my W that I love, I use her eyes alot, when I start getting that feeling of an LB coming. I think of those beautiful dark eyes. Its helped.

Jets,

I have hope that you'll make it, because we all have to have hope. Try and stick to your plan B as much as humanly possible. We all make mistakes! I think I've done a pretty good job myself with not doing LB's but I do talk a lot about the relationship, I agree that it is hard to not talk about it. We're only human.

Hey Jets I was just thinking about you the other day. Plan B is hard but you're not exactly sticking to it by the sound of it. Jets, let me ask you...if things were ok at home and you could choose something fun to do, something on your own, what would it be? Is there something you've always wanted to learn, or a place you've always wanted to visit? (You know one of those places your wife never wanted to go to?)

Jets you can take this time and get to know YOU again. I know it's hard to get up the emotional energy to do anything right now but maybe there are some little things that you can think of to make you happy. You have been getting in shape, you're keeping that up, I hope. Do you deserve a special treat that you might not otherwise had?

Answer: Yes! Jets deserves to be well taken care of (even by himself) and Jets deserves treats once in a while. Repeat: Jets is worthy of care. Also, Jets deserves some fun in spite of everything and it's okay for Jets to pay attention to himself and to care for himself. Jets needs to think about what would make him feel good about his life even as he pulls off a sterling Plan B.

Jets, I know it's hard and I am so p/oed at WW, I really never thought it would come to this but time marches on and you want to do the best you can right now. Take your focus off WW.

Place it on the kids and yourself, your family. Review your Plan B Jets, stick to it, write yourself notes to put by the phone to remind yourself not to veer into relationship talk. Your WW will notice changes in you when you start developing interests and thoughts independent from her, believe me. You're a good man unlike Mr. DUI....she is going to find this out. Live your life Jets, live it full out and the chips have a better chance of falling in place. KB

Thanks
Anne and Gadge,
Anne believe it or not it will work with us without a third person for the kids. I did see how it could work, it will be hard but it can work. She is prettymuch plan b'ing me at this point anyways. When she calls she leaves message on machine ( we screen the calls) and directly ask for them. So they pick up. She will speak with them and they or she will hang up, i guess her so she won't have to talk with me. It is the relationship talk she is trying to avoid in doing this. So this can work. I just have to be strong enough and not let myself give into her offerings. Don't know what she is trying to prove with the offering of chilli though.
Gadge good idea i will try to concentrate on her smile.
Do you ever wonder if it is all worth it Gadge??

I wonder every day if its worth it, Im doing it right now, but I keep getting the same answer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If I get to hold her just one more time in this life its worth it. If that day doesnt come, well then enough time has probably passed that maybe it wont matter.

Thanks for the encourgement Native and Knewbetter
KB- I always like hearing from you. U always seem to lift my spirits with this.
I do have one thing i wanted to do when i couldn't while i was married. It is a little out season now though.
Planning on golfing a little more. Have some friends at work that keep asking me to go.
I have been exercising, lost 14 pounds so far. Mostly running and definitely helps with the low seratonin levels. Planning on joining Gold
GYm tomorrow to help pass some of my time. So i have ideas it is just getting them implemented i guess. I hope you are right in letting the chips fall into place. I hope if and when that happens i will still have the desire to take the WW back after all of this. Om is still being a good boy to WW right now. Or she is oblivious to it but i still feel a leopard cannot change their spots. He will eventually faulter in my WW eyes. I guess just a matter of time.
Thanks for the encouragement all,
I needed it.....whew!!!
jets

Gadge do your family all think your nuts??
My parents and brother who are divorce twice feel that there is no way they could ever take someone back who did all that to me.
It is hard to not get sucked into that, but they are only looking at it from a outsiders perspective and then you begin to wonder about whether they have a point or not.
So frustrating.
jets

Yes I hear it everyday lol, my best friend actually is the worst, he tells me everyday to just go find someone else to take my mind off her, then tries to get me out to do that very thing, everyone says shes playing games, shes not worth it, move on, youll never have a good M after this, it never works the second time around blah blah blah, everyone says on this board that hanging out with friends is what you should do, if I did that it would just ruin me for her I think.

I started telling them how much I loved her blah blah blah and that this is fixable and they tend to quiet down some.

<small>[ December 05, 2004, 10:21 PM: Message edited by: gadgetolds ]</small>

I hear ya Gadge,
My close friend tells me the same thing.
I have to admit though i do catch my self looking at the other fish in the pond from time to time and realize hey there are a lot of fish out there that have been through my sit. I have thought about asking someone just for company as a dinner date. Probably a big no no here in MB but i dont want any other relationship other than my wifes just want some company and a little ego booster to say hey i ain't all that bad to someone else.
Fine line to walk on i know. Probably the reason why i haven't acted on this idea yet.
jets

Not to mention, if you did that, it very well could end everything your trying to accomplish, I know my W still asks me about other W, its funny how its ok for them, I guess its because we say we love them. How could we even think about that.

Gadge my WW actually states in one side of her mouth. I don't want u to wait on me, move on.
but on the other side she is saying I love you and always will......you know that.
I think the first statement is basically to make her feel less guilty if that where to happen, me meeting someone else, then she could justify her actions.
Won't denie it i think about it from time to time.
Can't help it i am human and i want to feel loved by someone and over last 7 mo. i haven't been feeling loved.
jets
ps read lemmonman post good one.