I posted this in the Plan A/Plan B and was told to move it here so here I go...

My WW told me she was having an emotional and physical affair two months ago. Since then both of us have lost at least 15+ pounds and couldn't look at each other without crying/yelling/or throwing up.
She asked me to leave because she couldn't handle looking at me. I did. But I kept returning and things went no where. She's told me she's slept with the OM twice since she told me. Recently, I decided to move back in before she could say no. I told her I wanted to see my stepson. I told my WW that I can't stop her from leaving me but she's not taking my stepson out of my life.
After some more arguing, and finally some civil talking, I got her to say that she wanted a divorce. I knew she wanted to tell me that for a while but she couldn't say. After She finally saide the D-word she cried uncontrollably, and then I cried. I then had to go to work (I work overnights which was a big contributer to our problems)and while at work she called me crying some more and said, "I just needed to hear your voice."
when I returned we talked some more and cried some more, but we were the most open with each other then we've ever been.
In fact at one point she said, "This is the most comfortable I've felt around you in a long time."
That night we went to a play. (I bought the tix well before all this.) We had a good time and though she seemed at edge, I did get to kiss her, and she did kiss back, a little bit. (That's a first in a long time.)
I've stopped being demanding and argumenative with her about the situation and I think I might be showing her it's not the end for us.
Is she really remembering that I'm her HUSBAND and she loves me? or am I just fooling my self and refusing to see the inevitable?

an update as well. This morning my wife repeated again that she doesn't understand why I've been so attentative to her lately. She has repeatedly said that she felt I never found her attractive and doesn't understand why I still want to be with her physically.
I told her that I want to prove to her that I can fullfill her sexually and she keeps saying I'm only doing this because I'm losing her.
Even though we still haven't had sex since the A was exposed, she couldn't tell me that she didn't want me anymore, only that she was confused and says she would feel worse if we do have sex.
What does that mean? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It means she is foggy and will doubt your words and actions despite your sincerity. She also prefers loyalty to the OM and the A instead of to you and your M. The family will be in last place and the A will come first.

What should you do?

1.Get a good MC or better yet, setup phone counseling with Jennifer @ MB.

2.Read Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, both by Dr W. Harley. If it gets worse, read Love must be tough by Dr. James Dobson. There are more books.

3. Take the Emotional Needs Q. Once as yourself and once as her. Ask her if she'd like to check this out.

4. Know that your best words and actions, w/b questionned. Even if they are perfect. Don't feel bad and know that is not your W talking but an alien WS.

5. Identify your personal boundaries and implement them.

6. Secure your family's finances. Don't assume she won't hurt the family's income or assets. There is a WS right now who has tapped into the house equity account and is putting them in bankruptcy. It is more important to her that she have 3 boob jobs, lots of plastic surgeries (eye, cheeks, chin, lips, nose, forhead....not sure what else is left, oh yea, braces and she didn't look like the bride of frankenstein when she started but she's getting there), than work with her family. Her H didn't believe our warnings and is headed for diaster. I know this WS waaay to well. YIKES!

7. Setup your personal support group. Ask they respect your decisions and that you would appreciate their support. It c/b as close as your children, neighbor, relatives, co-worker, family pet, minister, doctor, IC/MC, etc. You don't have to tell all to all. Just enough.

8. Learn about plan A vs plan B and implement plan A ASAP. Don't be afraid of plan B but learn what they really are vs what you think they s/b.

That's for starters. You work on you.

take care,
L.

I've read all those things.. numerous times, and still I come back to the same problem. I need to prove to her that I'm sincere and I'm changing any selfish things I've done to fullfill her needs. (except moving out or filing for a divorce of course!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Both of us have said that if we were to work this out we both need to get new jobs, and neither of us can just quit, financially we can't afford it.
But I've started looking for a new job and she read over my cover letter as well. Whenever I get sad about what's going on she hugs me and says she's a horrible wife/mother/person, and I find myself consoling her! And if I even have a small tone of anger in my voice she gets a knot in her stomach curls up in real physical pain. But she get's angry with me when I get upset everytime the OM calls her when I'm around. And he calls alot, besides the fact the work together!
How do I convince her our marriage is worth fighting for?
I just don't get it.. especially since she's told me she doubts a real relationship with the OM would work.
sorry for the random stream of consciousness in this post.
but one final question... If her family doesn't like me could that be a huge reason why she's less willing to continue? (btw the family thinks I'm the bad guy and they don't know about her affair).

Hello Fighting 4 wife,

Try not to understand everything right now.Take it in small doses.And how you do that is by focusing on what you need to be doing at the *moment.Plan A.Don't LB,DJ or pressure your WW.

You said how do you convince her that your marriage is worth fighting for? Well,you SHOW her that you are willing to make the necessary changes in yourself to make this marriage work for both of you.Of course she has a heck of a lot of work to do herself but right now it's about making HER feel like coming back to test the waters.Even though she is 100% wrong here for making the choice to cheat,you have to be the bigger person(hard I know) and show her it's safe to be with you and that you are not going to blast her each time she is with you.

Of course a pro-marriage counselor is critical at this point.If it's not together then go yourself,show her that you are seeking help.

Is this OM married? If so,have you told his W?

Remember,even though your WW is still in contact with the OM and it burns,you have to ACCEPT it for now and be in Plan A,yes,despite that the A is still going on.It sux big time but that's what you need to do.You can of course still tell her that it hurts you that she is still in contact with this guy and that you want it to stop and that you want the chance to make the marriage better,that you feel that this is your chance to have the kind of marriage you both want,etc.You have to show her that YOU are the better option.You have a history together,a family,a child that you both love,home.See? It takes an enormous amount of strength to pull this off but if you want to follow the MB principles,this is it.If you are blazing mad and need to vent,COME HERE and do it.We will listen.

And about the family: I would tell them about the A SOON,not yet.BUT,you must make it clear that it is to try and break the A off so you and your WW can try to heal.You have to present it in such a way that it deosn't make it look like you are trying to hurt their daughter.Ask for their HELP.In any event,the family may still think you are the bad guy but at least you tried.I don't know why but I feel like you should wait a bit longer to tell the family.I think that your WW may be closer than some to coming back to the marriage and the exposure would make her feel threatened.Have you exposed this at work yet?

Also,your WW is the one that should find a new job to get away from the OM.Why should you leave?

Lastly,I don't think your WW can have sex with you right now because she is conflicted about her feelings and the OM is interfering.That is common.

Hope this helps.

O

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 05:44 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

It helps thanks. The OM was married and the 4 of us use to hang out. the OM's wife left and made he OM file for divorce. As of exposing at work, I have not confronted anyone she works with, and if I did, wouldn't that make her resent me and leave? She was looking in the classifieds for me since I said I want to find a new job. When I asked her if she's willing to quit hers. my WW's response was "I can't right now, it would hurt my career." I think it's because of the OM. But I didn't want to pick a fight so I quit. The problem about her family is that they REALLY don't like me.. Actually it's the mother who doesn't like me and she's the matriarch of the family and makes everyone see things her way.
My WW told her family that we have problems and she doesn't think she's in love with me anymore. She told them she feels I'm unattracted to her. My mother in law then said she thinks I'm a child molester! the In-law says it's because I don't have God in my life and I'm not attracted to my wife. How can I go to a family that thinks in that manner! I love my wife and am willing to deal with such outragous behavior from her family, but I can I go to them for help?
And how do I stop the OM from interfering???????