I got the courage to reveal the A to WW's parents tonight. I had my mother watch my daughter as my wife went "to a friend's house". I went to the in-law's house and explained everything. I pointed out that it was not to be hurtful towards her or take revenge, but to ask for help and support. They seemed to understand, but I worry that they do not fully understand why I told them.

I also told my wife that I told her parents. That was harder than talking with the in-laws. She is so mad at me right now. Telling me that it's none of their business and I might as well publish it in the newspaper. In my head I go back to "She's in the FOG...90% of what she says is probably rubbish." I explained to her the benifits of them knowing and how much better it will be knowing that she is not hiding it from her parents. I tried to tell her that she now has two more people to talk to about it. A longer support chain.

She is so mad at me. This is going take a while for her to get over.

Earlier in the night, I told her that there is one thing that she needs to do so we can start seeing results of our work towards our marriage. To totally break contact with the OM. Never to call him, see him, talk to him, accept his phone calls, etc. I told her that I understand that she will miss him and she agreed.

She has had a lot of things to think about tonight. I hope it doesn't all backfire and become the biggest mistake I have done yet. I feel like such a backstabbing dirtbag for telling her parents behind her back. I know she was still seeing him after she told me twice that she wasn't. I hope that the 'no contact' will help her along. At least I have done SOMETHING.

DK,

It is a start and a good one. Time will tell if your inlaws support your stance or not. Regardless of what they do, you move forward.

As for her fog babble threats, the next time she says something like 'why not post this in the newspaper', respond like 'what an idea, then leave a copy of a writeup out for her to see.'

The WS thinks in their foggy brain, they can bully the BS. Once a BS learns this trick and learns how to handle and respond to it, the BS will have disarmed the WS and taken a bit step to regaining control in the BS' lives. If the WS accuses the BS of wanting control, don't fight it, say something like 'well better the sane one have the controi than the WS one.'

I like to refer to these slightly sarcastic rebuttals as 'reverse babble'. Comes in handy at times. Just be careful and don't over use them.

BTW, I wouldn't let the WS know all of what you do in regards to this exposure stuff. Be discerning. RE: WS' have little appreciation for the truth.....don't waste this on a WS. It is not beneficial.

take care,
L.

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 04:10 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dkelly:
<strong> I got the courage to reveal the A to WW's parents tonight. I had my mother watch my daughter as my wife went "to a friend's house". I went to the in-law's house and explained everything. I pointed out that it was not to be hurtful towards her or take revenge, but to ask for help and support. They seemed to understand, but I worry that they do not fully understand why I told them.

I also told my wife that I told her parents. That was harder than talking with the in-laws. She is so mad at me right now. Telling me that it's none of their business and I might as well publish it in the newspaper. In my head I go back to "She's in the FOG...90% of what she says is probably rubbish." I explained to her the benifits of them knowing and how much better it will be knowing that she is not hiding it from her parents. I tried to tell her that she now has two more people to talk to about it. A longer support chain.

She is so mad at me. This is going take a while for her to get over.

Earlier in the night, I told her that there is one thing that she needs to do so we can start seeing results of our work towards our marriage. To totally break contact with the OM. Never to call him, see him, talk to him, accept his phone calls, etc. I told her that I understand that she will miss him and she agreed.

She has had a lot of things to think about tonight. I hope it doesn't all backfire and become the biggest mistake I have done yet. I feel like such a backstabbing dirtbag for telling her parents behind her back. I know she was still seeing him after she told me twice that she wasn't. I hope that the 'no contact' will help her along. At least I have done SOMETHING. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you did the right thing. EXposing the affair to all will go a long way in ending the affair.

DKelly,
Is the OM married? Telling his wife is the best thing you can do.

Now that you've told the W's parents you may second guess yourself about telling the OM's W. DON'T! She needs to be told. She can assist.

As I said in my last post, most married men have no intention of leaving their wives. By not telling you're just allowing him to continue with your wife.

Most married men and women have affairs for different reasons. It's true that they are both missing something in their marriages. Most married men have affairs bc they aren't getting SF either in variety or frequency.

My guess is that as soon as you tell his wife he'll dump your wife in about 2 seconds. BUT if he doesn't feel that pressure he can continue on.

Mac

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 01:15 AM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

I don't know if he is married or not, but I kinda doubt it. I dont' really want to talk about him too much to the WW since she is just starting NC. If there was a way to find out without asking WW, then I would contact the OM's W.

However, if this NC goes well, this could be the end. I still have the urge to check on her (cell phones, e-mail, etc.) and feel terribly guilty about it.

MC starts on Friday. It seems like an eternity away.

Dkelly, I’ve posted to your other thread before I noticed this one… Was there still ongoing contact between your W and OM before you told her parents? If there was, you definitely did the right thing.

I can only draw upon my own personal experience and what I have read here, but I firmly believe you did the right thing. My fww's parents have been one of my strongest support groups in getting through this and ending the A.

She was highly angry that they knew, paled in comparison to when I told the OM's w. The A ended within hours when I did that. And, they are already separated and had filed for D when I told her, it still had a major impact on his custody situation with his kids and caused him to punt my fww. Good man, stay the course.

Yes, the W and OM were still in daily contact. I do not have any proof that they were still intimate though. I guess it doesn't really matter, it was still an EA.

W didn't seem too affected today after I told her about me telling her parents. A little quieter than usual. She will get the oppertunity to talk with her parents about it tonight. I hope it goes well for her and I hope her parents realize and understand the reason that I told them.

She says that she is getting sick of talking about our relationship so much and wishes that I could find something else to talk about. I can see her point as lately it's all I've been talking about before we go to bed. What makes it worse is that I get emotional about it sometimes. I should surprise her and talk to her about something else that will make us both happy. Perhaps that is the best way to reconnect with her. Not to constantly tell her what I am thinking about the relationship and how I am trying to make it better or what I can do for her, but to actually connect with her by having a good conversation about something else we both enjoy. I just have to get my Plan A perfected and figure it out.

I hope that she does not see this as a reason to go back to the OM. Thank you for all of your support. I could not have done this without your support.

Dkelly,

However, if this NC goes well, this could be the end. I still have the urge to check on her (cell phones, e-mail, etc.) and feel terribly guilty about it.

WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU FEEL GUILTY!! Sorry to yell, but you are fighting for your wife here!

You must check what you have an urge to check. It's called policing the NC. You have to get pro-active rather than re-active. It helps

Plus it is impossible (?) to have NC if they work together. What usually happens is the WS quits the job.

Telling the OM's wife or significant other is the numero uno way to stop the A and the contact. Is there a third party at her work that you could find out the information.

Your W probably would not tell you anyway. They tend to protect the OP (other person) more than they would the BS.

k

Dkelly,

Sorry, I just noticed this;

I do not have any proof that they were still intimate though. I guess it doesn't really matter, it was still an EA.

Intimate tends to be more of a PA attribute, although intimacy can be a private endearing word, too.

Is it an EA or PA??

k

Krusht-

She told me that it was physical for a week before Thanksgiving. She said that she called it off, but they were still in daily contact via phone.

They do go to the same college, but they are not in any of the same classes. They have to go out of their way to see each other at school.

Does this answer your question?

BTW, sometimes I need to be yelled at <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you
-DKelly

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I should surprise her and talk to her about something else that will make us both happy. Perhaps that is the best way to reconnect with her. Not to constantly tell her what I am thinking about the relationship and how I am trying to make it better or what I can do for her, but to actually connect with her by having a good conversation about something else we both enjoy.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a good idea and it will also help to fill your W’s EN for general conversation. Too much relationship on this stage will withdraw units from her love bank. I think she feels pressurized by too much relationship because she is still in intense withdrawal from OM. Back off with the relationship talk for a while and keep things uncomplicated, unemotional, light and pleasant during your conversation with your W until she feels ready to engage in serious relationship talk with you again.

Take care, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

Thank you Suzet

Conversation has always been one of her most biggest emotional needs. Problem is, I've never been a real conversationalist. This has been one of her largest complaints for a long time. I'm trying really hard to have good in-depth conversations not only with her, but with her family as well. I believe that my interaction with her family will help, too.

I guess, just like everything else, it just takes practice.

Dkelly,

Here is something to read from Dr Harley’s Q & A columns:

<a href="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html" target="_blank">What to Do When Your Conversation
Becomes Boring and Unpleasant</a>

Hope this will help! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suzet

Suzet-

Thank you for teh link. It is helpful.

Unfortunately, I just got off the phone with my wife who is not too happy to hear from me right now because she is still getting over the fact that I told her parents. She is at her parents house right now and says she feels very unconfortable being there (understandable). In fact, when I talked to her, she hadn't gone inside the parents house yet because she is so uncomfortable. When our phone call ended, her sister was calling her. This is good because her sister knows about the situation and supports my stance on the subject. I still do not know how her sister feels about me telling her parents, but I guess we will soon find out.

The worst part of this situation is that I am at work and do not get out until 0600, so I can't be there to talk to her.

After I talked to my WW on the phone, I contacted her parents to let them know that my wife is very uncomfortable being there and to give her their support when she comes inside. I hope this works out for the best.

Thank you for the link and advice. I will start using the conversational advice as soon as I can.