Hi, Gimble, I'm asking you, bc in some of your posts, you seem to have some previous experience with addicts and their behavior...

My H and I are doing pretty well. He has changed his cell number and we have changed our home number and all company calls are forwarded to my cell to prevent XOW from contacting him.

You may see in another post that she called repeatedly the day b4 T'giving, and that she refered to a letter I sent to her that if she continued to try to contact H, I would be forced to turn over all I know about her to authorities. She told me that night that "you WILL give me money - you WILL help me!" She threatened that she knew 'people in Chicago" - whatever that means.

She started calling the Company number again yesterday and I told my H. Her calls leave me shaking like a leaf -- WHEN will she get the hint???? Yesterday, I demanded H file harrasment charges against her, he resented that and got angry with me.

At first, I was angry, too: I sadly, resentfully, told him he is still putting her before me. That really ticked him off.

Then, rather than debate, argue, fight, yell, we just went to separate rooms. He stewed, I pondered.

I read somewhere that NO-ONE is 100% wrong. Look for something they are RIGHT about - so I contemplated H's position.

Knowing him as I do, I thought about it as HE would: He doesn't want to talk to her, he doesn't want to hurt me, he just wants it to "go away." (Avoidance type) So, if he won't file charges, and doesn't want me to, either, (which would satisfy ME) - then how CAN we satisfy my need for assurance that she CAN"T talk to him and his need to non-confront?

I called him in the bedroom and told him I think I understood his feelings, and apologized for allowing her actions to slop over onto the way I was treating him. I know it's tough on him. "How do you feel about switching phones with DS for a while? Do you think that's a reasonable compromise?"

He agreed.

NOW - my question: XOW called AGAIN today, asked to PLEASE talk to H - she's in trouble and NEEDS to talk to him. I told her it wasn't possible. She went on further to say she owes 2 days rent, and something terrible will happen if she doesn't pay. Please, PLEASE, I'll leave you alone and I'll never call again! I told her that OUR money is not paying for her. "The bank is closed."

"Well, I can make life miserable for you. I'll just keep calling and calling. There are things that were said, I'm not the only one responsible for where I am. There are others who put me here. I'm just trying to keep a roof over my head. There are other things, and I don't want to get into that, but this is not my fault."

I told her she is responsible for everything that happens in her life. Be responsible and get a job and quit asking us for money. I told her, too, that all the phones are forwarded to me. That got her angry.

she said, "I can't believe you're doing this to me. I'M not entirely at fault here. I'll just keep calling!....." I began saying, " and the answer will always be no, our family is not going to support you." she hung up on me.

Etc, etc. You get the picture

Gimble, I am not telling my H yet that she called today, for fear his worry and compassion will kick in.....

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: restarting ]</small>

I ended up telling H about the call, and the threats after he thanked me for my honesty about my feelings and the way I handled her calls yesterday.

I hope I did the right thing....

He told me he was sorry for putting me throught this, and said he wished she'd quit.

I told him I thought, under the circumstances, it's better me than him on the recieving end. I'm in a position to have far more resolve to end the calls, I am happy to provide the buffer and the preventative measures. He thanked me for being there to protect him from the calls. Told me I'm a wondeful woman and her is lucky.

Hi, restarting.

I am sorry that this woman won't go away.

Her persistence is not unusual. The problem is, she really won't go away while she needs a 'fix', be it drugs or money. After she gets her immediate needs situated she will still resurface when the next big 'emergency' arises.

She indicates that she has info that will be damaging. You can't control what she says or does. So if she decides on a whim that she is going to tell all on the Springer show, then she will. Your husband has to realize that the damage is already done, and he will have to face what he has done.

A restraining order is the avenue to pursue. If your husband is adamant against it, get the truth from him as to why, then proceed. The fact now is that she knows the phone will not get her what she needs. That means she is, as I write this, trying out other venues for contact. You can fill in the blanks there.

It is very likely that your husband at least tried the drugs. This may be the fact that he fears you finding out. The fact that he basically prostituted this girl is already known by you.

I will be glad to answer in detail later. Right now, I think you should be making an appearance at the local law enforcement office to swear out a complaint. She is unlikely to stop harassing you or your husband.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble, (and any law enforcement experienced)

I think he does not want me to find out about his promises and conversations with her. I told him she alluded to "things said" and why she's not the only one at fault about where she is right now. He has also alluded to having been responsible for her sitch vis a vis promises that he'll continue to help as long as she stays clean and does not 'work'. - that is part of it, I'm sure, and the details are what he does not want revealed.

I am curious, though, how much worse it cn get if I further exacerbate her sitch with police - will she get even more desparate and seek revenge? Not much $$ resources, but that is a low crowd....

What are the dymanmics involved when one files? How do I do it, what does it prevent, how do they determine if the harrasment continued, and what is the result?

Thanks to all,

R

restarting.

The first thing to do is to place a call (not 911) to the local authorities and simply ask what the procedure is. I bet they answer that question all the time.

The legal threat used by the authorities to enforce a no-contact order is simply 'arrest'. If a party violates the order, they are arrested. I bet that the other woman doesn't want to spend time in jail away from her habit.

You can't spend a lot of time worrying about what she might reveal. You simply can't control it. She is wanting you to play the blackmail game. That is typical behavior. You have to choose not to play.

All the best,
Gimble

Hi, restarting.

I forgot to mention something important.

I have been following your progress. I wanted you to know that I think you have done an incredibly good job. Time and time again, you have stepped up to handle some seriously tough issues with your situation.

Well done!

Gimble

Strange thing just happened: got an automated collect call from ***** correctional institute, "press 1 to accept, press 5 to refuse any future calls from this number"

I can't believe I actually struggled with making that decision!

I pressed "5".

No, I don't know if it is related (would be a real quick turn around since 9am today to being booked in jail at 1pm, wouldn't it?). This is a big city. Seems like it'd take more time than that to get in trouble ('working' or unpaid bill?), get through processing, and be able to call for bail/help? This is way out of my league of understanding....

It may just be one of the call scammers you hear about being routed through prisons, may be some other kind of thing or some other person... I'll never know, now.

Anyway, I felt GUILTY! How's that for a twisted perception of reality????

Oh, and thanks, Gimble. It's so hard to be even slightly sane and logical in these things.

I can never thank you folks here ever enough for providing me with balance each time my world titled way out of whack!

Yeah, I think H could deal with demands to him for "help" ($$$) in the past, but feels 'violated' that she would go to such lengths as to feel entitled to make demands from me, too. Like, that is one line too far to cross....

a friend suggested it might've been a call from one of her 'friends' to to threaten me...

I know she is desparate and although a part of me understands, the biffest part really resents this intrusion, this deliberate emplacement in my life!

I didn't engage this person!

Y'know, I want to be an understanding, compassionate person, but I DONT GET this! HOW, in your most permissive dreams,do you figure it's OK to do this???

OK, I'm off my high horse. I'm not perfect either. But, NEVER would I presume......

Gimble, do you treat addicts?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by restarting:
<strong> Gimble, do you treat addicts? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, I don't. I was an addict a little over 33 years ago. I directly witnessed a lot of very destructive behavior. I was fortunate enough that I didn't reach the same 'bottom' that I saw some others reach, although I went pretty low. Some major changes in my life caused me to wake up. If they had not occurred, I would have been dead long ago. That is also about as much of my story as I like to tell :-)

All the best,
Gimble