I read your response to my other post and I have read the basic concepts. I need to make a plan and stick to it. Can you give me any insight as to how I can do this and stick with it? The other thing is how can I really tell if he is already cheating on me? I have read all of the tale tale signs and nothing seems to fit other than my gut feeling. Do you think that this is something I just have in my head? As far as him giving me a reason not to trust him he really hasn't. It's just some comments that he makes. It makes me wonder if he is or given the chance would he cheat. Please any help is appericated.

I'd be happy to help in any way I can. I did a quick read on your other posts and I'm thinking maybe you could help me too.

Your issues with your husband not putting you first... my wife has the same complaints. Meanwhile, I'm over here thinking there's nothing more important to me than her. I love my children, but they are going to grow up and have their own lives someday.

Anyway, I don't have the time to get into this right now. My W just came back from a weekend trip and we have chaos. Tonight I have a class at the church, but I'll try to come back with something for you to chew on.

Take it easy,

dewt

Thanks for the response and maybe we could help each other. I'm glad to have some input from a mans point of view. I'm only on when I'm here at work. So, I will be on for another hour or so and then won't be back on til the morning. So my point is, if you post something and don't get a response I'm not ignoring it my pc at home is down. So I have to rely on the one here at work. I really hope that we can help each other.

I didn't get a chance to reply last night... and this morning, I don't have a lot of time before work. So I'll be quick...

Let's start simple and basic. Hopefully others will join in on this, because while I occaisionally can put forth a decent enough insight, I'm hardly the ultimate expert on saving marriages. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

So anyway, I went back and reread your other posts. Sounds like your husband is in a state of withdrawal from you.

If I asked you "why?" what would you say?

For right now, let's forget about 'what' he's doing that's making you unhappy and try to understand why. If we can get that, we can work on a plan to remove those reasons.

Then we can work on a Plan to start meeting his most important ENs, and maybe even a plan to help him start meeting yours.

I'll drop in this evening after work.

dewt

He tells me that I can't let well enought alone. He says if I would stop with the worrying and just be happy that we are together. How would I fix that? I am happy that we are together, but I worry so much about him cheating and not wanting me anymore that it seems like it consumes me. I have been married once before and my ex husband put me down so much and made me feel worthless that maybe I still feel that way now. I just don't want to be hurt again. Could that be the biggest problem I compare him to much to my ex, in thinking he will do me the same way as he did?

We did finally talk last night and we both agreed that we had let this go to far. We both agreed that it is fixable and we want to make it work. I told him how he made me feel and what it made me think he was doing. He said that he wouldn't cheat on me and if that was what I was worrying about to stop. He said that he loves me way to much to lose me over something like that. I also asked him had I pushed him away and he said no. So, my next question is why can't I see that he loves me as much as he says he does?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worriedandconcerned:
<strong>He says if I would stop with the worrying and just be happy that we are together. How would I fix that?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He probably means it too. 'Backing off' some will take a lot of pressure off him. By backing off, I mean just relax and realize that you have a lifetime together. If he is not cheating and is willing to work towards improving your marriage together, you are in an excellent position. Heck, the process might actually be a lot of fun...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worriedandconcerned:
<strong>I am happy that we are together, but I worry so much about him cheating and not wanting me anymore that it seems like it consumes me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I don't need to tell you that this is not a good thing. When you do that, you are putting him in a position where he can't win. You are also putting yourself in a position where you can't win.

And being happy that you are together is not the same as being happy together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worriedandconcerned:
<strong>I have been married once before and my ex husband put me down so much and made me feel worthless that maybe I still feel that way now.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It comes through in your posts. Also, from the tone of what you describe, it seems like it comes through in your behaviour with him. One of the most attractive qualities in a person is self confidence. I've heard this soooo many times, from both men and women.

I don't know how to advise you on this subject, because I've got my own issues regarding self worth. But I do know that it's a critical issue with far reaching influences.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worriedandconcerned:
<strong>I just don't want to be hurt again.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep. I can relate to that. But fear is an evil thing. Sometimes the fear of something can be so strong that it actually becomes self fulfilling. This is a good example of where that can happen.

It's reasonable for you to not want to be hurt again. It's reasonable for you to fear it. However, you need to make a conscious decision to accept that fear and go forward anyways. You may not be able to banish your fears, but you can decide you are not going to allow them to sabotage your life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">worriedandconcerned:
<strong>Could that be the biggest problem I compare him to much to my ex, in thinking he will do me the same way as he did?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It think that's not a very good idea, but most likely not your biggest 'problem'.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">worriedandconcerned:
<strong>We did finally talk last night and we both agreed that we had let this go to far. We both agreed that it is fixable and we want to make it work.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> That's excellent!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">worriedandconcerned:
<strong>I told him how he made me feel and what it made me think he was doing. He said that he wouldn't cheat on me and if that was what I was worrying about to stop.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok. Fair enough. Do you think you can stop? I mean, hey, anything's possible, but do you think you could stop worrying about it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">worriedandconcerned:
<strong>I also asked him had I pushed him away and he said no.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Typical guy anwer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> While I don't think he's lying to you...I think he's not telling the truth either. Please forgive me, but the behaviour you describe is the kind of behaviour that pushes people away. Now, it may be subtle, and he might not want to use those strong words to describe it, but ask yourself this... is it attractive? And if it's not attracting him, it's either keeping him exactly where he is or it's pushing him away. What do you think?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">worriedandconcerned:
<strong>So, my next question is why can't I see that he loves me as much as he says he does? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because he's not meeting your most important emotional needs. He's not doing the things that you perceive as loving actions. He's not paying you in a currency you recognize. If he was, I'd bet you dollars to dimes you wouldn't be feeling the way you feel right now.

Having said that, I'll say another thing. It sure as heck doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

And, what's more, I bet if you were able to really help him understand how to show you he loves you in ways that mean something to you he would be MORE than happy to oblige.

Sadly, if he's like most of us other men, his mind reading skills were probably stunted at birth. In fact it's possible that he's just blundering along, man style, knows he loves you, and figures that if you'd just relax, everything will be fine. Oh, wait a minute... that is what he thinks, isn't it...

I suggest you print out the emotional needs questionaires. Arrange for a quiet, intimate evening to fill them out together. Make it fun and interesting for him so that he's eager for the next 'relationship talk' night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Men are simple creatures really. So the first time, fill out the questionaires, get to know and understand each other's emotional needs.

That's only step one though... step two, which is perhaps even MORE important is to help him to understand HOW to meet your Emotional Needs.

I have known for years what my Wife's big ENs are. But to this day there are some I have no idea how to meet. I know they're there... I want to meet and fill them. I really and truly want to make my W the happiest woman on the planet. If I could just figure out how, I'd be set.

ttfn,

dewt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He probably means it too. 'Backing off' some will take a lot of pressure off him. By backing off, I mean just relax and realize that you have a lifetime together. If he is not cheating and is willing to work towards improving your marriage together, you are in an excellent position. Heck, the process might actually be a lot of fun...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are exactly right. That is all he wants is for me to back off. And I am definately going to relax and take the time to enjoy our life together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, I don't need to tell you that this is not a good thing. When you do that, you are putting him in a position where he can't win. You are also putting yourself in a position where you can't win.

And being happy that you are together is not the same as being happy together.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very well said. Neither of us can win in this situation, so that means I am really going to stop with all of the worrying about him cheating on me. After I sit and thought about that it does seem stupid. Why would anybody let this consume them. So, I'm standing up to it and letting myself know that I can do this and I will not let it consume me anymore.

Now for the self confidence thing that is something that is really going to be hard for me, but I'm going to try to put that into action also.

Finally for the ENs. We actually talked about this last night. I told him that my most important EN is affection. He said that is something he can definately improve on and is more than willing to do so if thats what makes me happy. I asked what his would be and he said that all he wants from me is the same and for me to trust him completely. So, I agreed and I know this is something I can do over time.

Thank you for all of the great advice. I hope I can be of some help to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worriedandconcerned:
<strong> [QUOTE]Finally for the ENs. We actually talked about this last night. I told him that my most important EN is affection. He said that is something he can definately improve on and is more than willing to do so if thats what makes me happy. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's something I've learned. Well, rather still learning would probably be more accurate. Affection can be an important need. It can also be nasty tricksy one too. For example, Physical Affection is HUGE on my list of needs... when my Wife is being affectionate with me, all my problems in the world go away. The problem is that some of these problems need to be dealt with. In other words, affection becomes a way of excaping pain or discomfort or fear instead of being a genuine need unto itself.

What I'm saying is this. It's excellent that you two talked about the questionaires. Now get them out and DO THEM!!!

I barely know your story, but I sense that there are more complex issues at stake and you need to sort them out. Getting the affection you feel you need right now may make you feel better in the short term, but leave you worse off down the road or land you right back where you are now.

Take care,

John aka dewt aka 'Mr. do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />