Last week I sent an email to the OM who is stationed in Iraq right now. Just wanted to get some things off my chest...get some closure...and make sure that he never contacts WW again. Here is what I wrote:

****,

I am writing you this letter to inform you I am fully aware of the affair that you had with my wife. *** is remorseful and has asked me to forgive her. I am in the process of doing that. I don’t want to throw away what we have because of this. The hardest part for me will be trying to figure out how to forgive you for what you did to me. *** has told me that your marriage was ended because of your wife’s infidelity. It makes no sense to me that a victim of adultery would turn around and do what you did to me. I do not understand. Your actions were truly selfish and that is what I am struggling to forgive. I do wish you a safe return back to the states after your tour in Iraq. Admittedly, for a while, I did wish otherwise.

I would like to make one request of you to give you a chance to help me forgive you. I ask that you NEVER attempt to make contact with *** ever again. And I mean NO contact either by email, phone, face to face or anything. It is clear that you two have a past and you can never be just friends. During a time when *** was vulnerable and questioning her decisions, you took advantage of the situation and told her everything that she wanted to hear. I am struggling to not hate you for that. *** says that she is really sorry and she is committed to working on our marriage and being happy with me. We are going to counseling to work on the things that made her unhappy before you interfered and to deal with the trust issues that we now have as a result of the affair. I am committed to loving her unconditionally and being everything that she needs me to be…..to do all the little things that show her that I love her and need her. I need you to only wish us well and never enter our lives again!

And I give you one piece of advice. Don’t lead a secret life from your significant other. You will never be able to find true happiness and intimacy with someone if you are not completely honest with them. If you have not told *** about what happened this summer, I strongly advise you to do that. She deserves the truth. You will never be happy with her if you are hiding something from her. I had pondered contacting her myself and informing her but I decided to give you the chance to do that yourself. She needs to hear it from you and then have a chance to make the choice of whether or not she wants to forgive you and be with you.

I do pray for your safe return and I hope that you have a happy life with someone someday. *** will not be a part of your life ever again. You have to accept this and move on. I hope that I never run into you but if it ever does happen, I want to believe that I will be civil and turn around and walk away. You staying out of mine and ***’s life will help me to not waste my energy hating you.

I do request that you respond with a “message received” email to let me know that you got this message and that you understand and are willing to comply with my request. Thanks.

**** ******

He surprised me and called me later that night...apologized and offered to meet with me and answer any questions that I may have when he returns next year. I was very pleased. It went a long way to helping me start to forgive him. Unfortunately, my wife's curiousity got the best of her and she listened in to our conversation. It had an effect on her. Hearing OM's voice took her back into the fog again. She said that she missed him and that she was upset with herself for feeling that way. She has kinda been distant from me even more so since then. I can tell that she is thinking about him a lot. So I'm back to the start. Hopefully things will start to improve after we go to counseling today. Any suggestions?

Make sure you have your tazer with you when he meets you to 'answer any questions'. It will be easier to stamp a soldiers genitals off if he's disabled.

Was he a freind of yours as well?

Nice letter- I do not think I could have been so nice.

I wonder if he called in hopes that your W would answer? Either way sounds like he is trying to correct his mistakes.

Stay strong- your w will come around.

NO...he most definately was not a friend of mine. I have only met the guy once while I was with my wife in Walmart before the affair. It was brief and I vaguely remember what he looks like. The other night was the first time I think I ever really heard his voice.

I don't think that he called hoping to speak to my wife...he asked if I was **** and then started talking. He simply didn't know how else to reach me.

couldn't he have just replied to your e-mail? Either way I am taking it as a very good sign that he is a half way decent man- after all he is in Iraq fighting for our freedom. However that does not excuse his moral laspe with your wife.

That was a nice letter....

But when he called, perhaps you shouldn't of let your wife listen in, but it's done now. Good luck.

I had no choice but to let her listen. She would not have complied if I had asked her to hang up the phone. I would of had to pry the phone from her hand. I had no choice.

I wrote polite emails to OM asking him to stay away. The SOB did not follow my advice and the next email I sent had some insulting remarks directed as his physical appearance and his lack of integrity as a man. I did not use foul language, however I was not courteous.

I also pointed out how affairs are based on bull$hit, fantasy, deceit, lies, ect.

I told OM that relationships like that did not have a solid base. In fact the base of the relationship was so weal that it crumbled into nothing with one simple phone call.

I advised OM that only a needy foggy man could be madly in love with a woman that slept with her H nightly and had SF regularly. I asked him what was the logic behind that way of thinking.

I also lectured him for taking money from my wife for his personal use. OM knew quite well I had earned the money for the support of my family. I told him I did not understand why he was so low in the food chain that he needed to take MY MONEY. I am very sorry I did not ask OM to return everything he took from my wife------- I should have!

He never wrote me back as he has no spine.

I will never write OM again. He is NOTHING!

If you have not told *** about what happened this summer, I strongly advise you to do that. She deserves the truth. You will never be happy with her if you are hiding something from her. I had pondered contacting her myself and informing her but I decided to give you the chance to do that yourself.
What do you mean by, "I decided to give you the chance to do that yourself"?
Does this mean you are going to tell her if he doesn't?
(I think you should tell her. Give him ample time, like when he returns then you call her)
He surprised me and called me later that night...apologized and offered to meet with me and answer any questions that I may have when he returns next year.
When next year? A month or 8 months?

Don't meet the guy. If he is sincere, he will bow out and not return into your lives at all.
Let it go as it will only stir up grief.

about a year from now. I want to look the guy in the face....the man that forever changed my life. I want to have some closure and peer into what makes a man who does this. Maybe I'll change my mind a year from now....who knows.