I need help with my situation. My wife has had an affair and i dont know what to do. We have been married for 5 years and have two small daughters, i thought life was grand, we did have our share of fights, i thought it was the norm. As it turns out my wife was very unhappy with our life. She found me to be controlling, she had no life outside of me, she did not like they way we fought. I am known to raise my voice. She has always felt as if I looked down on her as well. I can say that I do and have loved my wife from day one, yet now i am faced with a new situation. I have to make up for 5 bad years and at the same time try to understand her affair. She went back to work a year ago and met him. To this day she still see's him at work, yet she wants me to understand she has nothing left for him. She asked me to move out two months ago, not because of him, but becuse of the problems we had in the past. I did as she asked and now i dont know what to do.
HELP

Hello alank,

Welcome to MB. I am sorry you have found us due to Infidelity but this is a great source of information and support.

To start,take the time to read all the concepts here and read some posts.They will give you more insight into how this all works.And,here are some steps you can take to try and survive this trauma:

1) Get the books SAA(Surviving an Affair) and HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) by Dr.Harley.There are plenty of other's that you will see mentioned around here but those two are good beginners.

2) Get into counseling,either with your WW(wayward wife) or without.Despite what ever issues your WW had with you prior to her affair(A),committing adultery is NEVER the answer to anything.So be clear that she is 100% at fault for choosing this method as a way to solve her problems or even escape them.Not healthy in either decision.

3) Keep coming here to post and to vent your feelings.Even though your marriage may have had issues before all this came about,it is one of THE most horrible and painful traumas a spouse can inflict upon another.It's especially painful if you thought things were ok within the marriage.People are not mind readers and it was your WW's responsibility to tell you FIRST that she was unhappy in the marriage or needed something.It's amazing how many people still choose to betray first rather than work on the problems of marriage together.

4) Realize that although your WW says that she wants you to move out and it's not because of the OM(other man),this is most likely a lie.WS's (wayward spouses) will lie right to your face.And this is a common one.Most likely she wants to continue on with her A without you around and in the house. DO NOT leave.She is the one cheating,SHE needs to go.Do not let her try and force you out.If you both own your home jointly,she cannot legally do anything anyway(except separation).

5) Read up on *Plan A.This is what you should be focusing on now.It is a way to show your WW that things can be better and that you are willing to change.You also can tell her that her continued contact with the OM hurts you and that you would like the chance to save your marriage,especially for your children.

6) Exposure.It will be important to shed a big old light on this sordid affair and this can be done by telling those closest to you and your WW,like family,friends and anyone who could put a damper on the affair partners.If the OM is married,telling his wife is important too.Everyone who can help end the A should know what is going on.This will make your WW mad(expected) but it's because she wants to keep it all her little secret.

You are in for a long haul alan.But stick with us.We will help you through,either to Marital recovery or Personal recovery.

O

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 07:15 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I just want to let you know you have come to a good place. I am not wise enough to offer help, but there are many here who will help you.

Some immediate suggestions:

Go to the top of the page, click on bookstore and buy "Surviving An Affair". They deliver promptly. While you are waiting for it to arrive, go back to the homepage and read every article you can.

You might just go ahead and buy "His needs, Her Needs" at the same time. You will need them both.

Click on the counseling center as well, and read about the counseling that is available through MB with Steve Harley or Jennifer. Explore the cost of the counseling sessions and compare them to the rates of a divorce lawyer. Counseling is cheaper, and can help save the marriage.

Keep coming here for support, but read the articles and books to get grounded in the principles.

There are many experienced people here who will help you, but none of them take the place of laying the groundwork by reading the articles and books.

Welcome. Sorry you have to be here.

Alan,

Seriously consider the suggestions in the 2 previous posts. Oct and Starz know what they are talking about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Now to lower your fears a bit. Realize that if your M was as bad as you think she thinks or says, then she would have left you with or withou an OM/A.

Fog babble reigns high during the A and the even though each of us can do more to better our Ms, you are not responsible for the A.

Don't apologize for her having the A. Show her your improvements and if she questions your sincerity, question her faithfulness. Don't carry her blame or guilt for the A.

JMHO,
L.