Hey all,

I've set myself a timeline for my Plan A to end and my Plan B to start. It is Jan 1st. I will be doing my Plan A until then and the last week of Dec. after the holidays I plan on a last ditch effort of an intervention. Read Intervention thread, if your interested.

My question is once I officially move into Plan B, how do I get her to move out? Our sit. is that I pay the house mortgage, and I really don't think she could afford paying everything herself even though she works. For those of you that went into Plan B, will the WS try and stay in the home or will they be glad to leave so they can continue with the A? I know everyones sit. is different I was just wondering what I should expect. If I got a legal separation could I have it stipulate that I will stay in the house?

Thanks in advance!!
Native

native,

Do you own the home *jointly?

Yes OG, in fact we're completing a refi as I'm typing so that I can get the payment lowered. We had planned this for the last 8 months, as timing turns out it has happened now. I believe this will also help me to take over some of the bills she has been paying for if she moves out.

I personally would make the WS move out. They are the ones that aren't happy and want to do what they want....make them move!!!!!!! You stay put!!! Just my opinion.

Before you do any "moving" make sure you go see a lawyer first. You have kids. Making the wrong choice here could effect your chances for custody.

Miker

Thanks Guys,

Yes I want her to move out that way it doesn't set a precedent of me being gone and I loose the kids. I just need to know how to get her to move out.

Does she want to be with the OM? You could try your best to make it difficult for her to continue to see OM while under your roof? That way she may want to leave so she can spend time with OM.

Miker

**edited to say ** Just make sure you don't put the kids in the middle. That can be a very bad choice.

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: Miker ]</small>

I agree with Miker.....go see a lwyer before you do anything. I have a 2 1/2 appt. tomorrow with mine...YIKES!!!!

Hi again,

Legally,you cannot force your WW out and nor could she for you since you jointly own(been there done that).BUT,if you file for a legal separation,that is a different story.However,I agree with the other's that if it comes down to Plan B time,this may be your best option since she may give you a "fight" as to who goes.

The court system doesn't care if a spouse is cheating and to my knowledge will not enforce anyone be put out,so to speak.You have to go about this legally if your WW will not end her adultery.This is where you stick to your guns about APPROPRIATE behavior and that you will not finance nor condone her behavior around the children or in the marriage.See? Word this correctly.

DO NOT LEAVE,OK? If your WW thinks it's so great to be with some other guy then let her have the full effect.She will have much more responsibility and decisions to make when you refuse to allow this situation to continue at home.Too bad.

O

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 05:55 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Okay so if I hear you guys there is now way I can forcer her to leave unless I get a Separation. Even then how do the courts decide who leaves or goes if they don't enforce cheating.

I will not leave! Since I cannot control my WW (from another thread), how do I tell her that if she chooses not to go, then how do I force her not to go out to see OM?

No,there is no way except legally to get your WW out of the house.She can just as much put her foot down and say "No way" if you politely request it.But,it may not come down to that,who knows.You have to be prepared either way and talk to a Lawyer or Mediator about options in YOUR state.

You cannot control ANY of the actions or choices of your WW.You cannot control her seeing OM no matter where she resides.You understand this right?

What you have to FOCUS on native is the *wellbeing of your children.This means,that they are not uprooted from the house,that the *stable parent is their primary caregiver and that bad behavior around the children is unacceptable.This is the core of your argument.

Does this make sense?

O

I think it differs state to state. In California you file an order to show cause, where you state why you should live in the house.

Thanks OG, Yes I'm thinking about getting a lawyer ready for when I go to Plan B. Yes I understand that I can't control her or anyone else, only myself. So your saying that I have to prove that she is not being a good mother and that I'm more stable and that should allow me to stay in the house?

Believer: I think it differs state to state. In California you file an order to show cause, where you state why you should live in the house.

Thanks B, I guess I'll have to talk to a lawyer and see what the rules are for Idaho.

Morning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ok.What I am saying to you is this: you have to show your WW that her behavior is unacceptable to you and to your family.That your children are your primary concern right now since she is on the cusp of destroying the marriage and family by her actions/choices.How you go about expressing this is by telling her.You have to let her know how you feel about what she is doing.NO LB's or DJ's of course,just matter of fact.

Like many of us who have gone before you,the idea is to make sure the WS knows that their behavior is wrong and that you will not support it in anyway.This means that she will not be allowed to continue the A under your roof or in front of the children,or heaven forbid even try to introduce this OM to them which has happened more times than should ever occur, so that means she has to leave.You do not have to make up any stories or try to present your WW as an unfit mother to your Lawyer but by all means,what she is doing is not right and it threatens your wellbeing and that of your children so this should be *discussed with your Lawyer,just the truth.The info should be available to the courts in case YOUR state does have any justification in your favor.Like I said before,most states that I know of don't care about adultery,they can turn a blind eye just as many people do BUT you have an obligation to protect your kids from this behavior.They are WAY too young to even know about any of this so it's going to be hard on them explaining why mommy may not be around.But first things first.

Talk to a Lawyer,see what your course of action could be and I would let your WW know what you are thinking.Give her a heads up and see what she says.She is either going to be PO'd or scared senseless.The idea of being out on her own and not having her family and home supporting her behavior will have at least some effect.When I went through this with my WH,he was "terrified",in his own words,about losing me,the financial pressure about to ensue,not seeing his kids,etc,etc.It shook him up.Of course,many months have pased now and he is so far gone and veered so far of course that I have no idea who he is anymore and none of what used to terrify him matters.He is actually embracing it now as his new way of life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> So,I "threatened" a legal separation but he moved out anyway due to a job.My one saving grace through all this at the time.

Don't try to "prove" anything right now.First see what options you have in your state and proceed from there.Let us know what happens.

O

Native, you also stated you are in the process of refinancing your home. Do not go to plan B until you have signed papers and rescission period is over (I'm in this field of business). You might create a nightmare for yourself if you do not finish this business transaction first. Many times lenders will also set a closing date only to have it moved for one reason or another. A refinance, under current market conditions, should take no more than 45 days start to finish. If you are on the ball with your lender it can be done in about half that time.

Reading your post I think of my own sitch as our WW are similar in that they chose a party/single lifestyle over their M. The biggest mistake I made was letting WW take our S w/her to live at her P's on dday+1. Going to the courts is scary as you are putting the decision of who cares for children, lives in house, etc. in someone else's hands. Courts are notorious for siding witht the mother, no matter what her actions. As long as she is not abusive or a drunk/drug addict to often they side with the female.

Do your best to negotiate with her for your terms at this point. This will also set the custody precedent if D becomes imminent. I do, however, look at it another way. Say you are forced to leave house and WW has to care for your children, make house pymt, etc. Would put a serious cramp in her single lifestyle and give her dose of reality. No money to go out, afford sitter, etc. Your credit would most likely be destroyed though as she won't be able to meet house pymt. this would result in costing you thousands of dollars and years of headache and financial probs. I've seen this and heard these stories countless times. Lenders are not sympathetic to sitch either. If your WW doesn't meet financial obligations, you will be forced to pick up slack, plan B or not. Just another result of her selfishness.

Unless you are willing to obtain a restraining order against your WW [check with an attorney first], there is probably not much you can do to get her out of the house.

TMCM

Why not talk to her and give her a heads up about a "trial' separation. She will need time to find a place.

Ask her some questions.

It doesn't have to be force out, she may be anxious and ready to leave...

Ask:

"What do you think about a trial separation?" appeals to the WS thought that they can continue their A without consequences of D.

"What do you need to find a place and move out?"

"I'll keep the kids here in the house so they can have stability."

Why should she be the one to leave? Tell her, "You will probably get more benefit from being on your own to think. You have been our caretaker for all this time, it is time to think about yourself." Appeal to her selfish side.

I am using WS babble to give you to say.

Thanks for clarifying OG, my WW is in a "separation mode to find out what she wants". So in all practical purposes she is separated from me except she is still in the house. I've expressed to her in a calm way before how it hurts me that she goes out and she doesn't seem to care. It's all about her right now trying to figure out what she wants.

I feel however that if I tell her that she can't be going out and seeing OM under my roof she'll think I'm trying to control her again and won't care what I say. I won't be making up stories to my Lawyer, I don't have to. I have pictures and the testimony of my PI's. In Idaho you can sue for Adultery, glad I live here. Many people have told me this also my MC/IC told me you can sue. I know she's going to be pissed, but once I'm in Plan B it's all about me instead of her. Thanks OG for the words of wisdom.

Bear: Yes I will be finished with my refi. by the end of the month. I will definately make sure that is done before I move to Plan B even if that means pushing back my target date.

Why would anyone want the party life... doesn't that just get old after a while?!?!? I thought most women after they get a certain age want a depenedable guy, one they can count on?

Yes I've read that if you abandon the house with WW in it, or leave the kids that you will be setting a precedent. That's why I haven't done that, and that's why I'm wanting WW to move out. As I said, I know that you can sue for Adultery in Idaho, so I'm hoping (big hope) that the courts will see it my way.

I've also thought about her being stretched finacially during Plan B. In fact that's what I'm hoping for. I'm thinking we'll do one week with one week without the kids. That way she has to find a place to live, and have daycare.

I'm also thinking that I'll be taking over most of the bills if we move into Plan B and will be able to ensure that my credit doesn't get nailed, also I think there is some paperwork you can fill out about financial accounts separation so she can't screw me. I'll have to check on that with the Lawyer.

TMCM, thanks for the post. I thought about getting an RO but I really don't have any reason yet. Unless when I move to Plan B and ask her to leave if she gets violent then I might consider it.

I love my WW, and am plan Aing my butt of to try and win her back. But I think it's going to take Plan B for her to wake up and also so I don't lose my love for her. I don't want/need to make up stories about her, because that isn't right. I've taken the high road through all of this and will continue to do so.

Thanks for the posts all. I'm just really at a loss on how to get her to leave so I can do a Plan B effectively. I know I have to ask calmly without LB's or DJ's I just don't think she'll care at this point.

Thanks Still,

Wow I never thought about using the reverse babble in this sit.

"What do you think about a trial separation?" appeals to the WS thought that they can continue their A without consequences of D.

Doesn't this mean that I'll be telling her that it's okay to continue the A?

I'll keep the kids here in the house so they can have stability."

I really don't think she'll go for that because she's said before that she doesn't want me taking the kids from her. Besides I want her to have the kids with her that way she'll get a taste of the real world with her having to take responsibility!!

Why should she be the one to leave? Tell her, "You will probably get more benefit from being on your own to think. You have been our caretaker for all this time, it is time to think about yourself." Appeal to her selfish side.

That is some great WS reverse babble my friend! Even though none of it's true!

Thanks Still got any more ideas?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by native00:
<strong> Thanks Guys,

Yes I want her to move out that way it doesn't set a precedent of me being gone and I loose the kids. I just need to know how to get her to move out. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan B isn't always as easy as it sounds. When married, your spouse has a legal right to reside in the house - as much as you. You cannot kick them out, change the locks or otherwise prevent them from entering THEIR legal residence unless you (in TX anyway) file for divorce. It may be legal separation in other states.

This is how it works: Go see a lawyer. File for divorce. Get temporary orders. It is in the temporary orders where you request staying in the house and having your spouse removed. Temporary child custody, temporary child support, temporary alimony, all the things you need to arrange with the spouse who leaves to care for the kids, home, bills, etc. You can justify WHY you want him/her to leave (having an affair, abuse, alchoholism whatever) at this time.

During the term of the temporary orders, you battle out the Settlement. Presumably, your spouse has also gotten a lawyer during the temporary term and now the 2 lawyers as well as the 2 spouses battle it out. Alternatively, you and your spouse come to your senses, see a MC, spend time alone, face reality, watch your children cry, and finally realize what you have done and try to reconcile.

But you can't legally force your spouse out unless you see a lawyer and get temporary orders. I know it's confusing. I've never been divorced before either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: Rosiepiesix ]</small>