<small>[ December 09, 2004, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: TA ]</small>

Your doing just Fine, keep with Plan A...It sounds like your wife is starting to see what she has done and how wrong it is. She deserves all of your love, you sound like a great guy who loves his ww very much. Just don't read to much intom anything...Give her all the EN's she needs and don't expect anything in return..

How long has she had NC, did she send the letter, how long was her A, how long have you been MArried. Does the OM have a wife and kids?

Please tell your story.

.

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: TA ]</small>

TA,

Steve has a very good coaching session about the difference between "guilt" and "remorse".

Suggest she talk with SH as soon as you can get the time. He'll begin to coach her in a way that she'll feel like she's making progress in your recovery.

WS can do alot in rebuilding the marriage by working on the SH coached recovery plan. The guilt vs remorse that she's feeling will delay her progress. Get her back in touch with SH.

. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: TA ]</small>

FYI:
You don't have to hit the quotes everytime you reply. You can hit the "Post Reply" at the top/bottom of the page.
The quotes are so you can show specifically what you are responding to.
And in order to make it easier to follow the thread, you should delete the part of the quote which is not needed, in.

As for the title of this thread;
Wife feels Guilty, what should I say?
Nothing.

She is ruining Xmas for the kids.
What is Xmas? Is that when Jesus X was born? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
How is she ruining Christmas for the kids.

TA,

Are you sure your wife is reacting to her guilt? She could be depressed because she is in withdrawal from her fantasy. Guilt usually follows withdrawal. Whether OM knew about her feelings or not, she was very emotionally invested in her thoughts and to cut it them off takes continual work and commitment.

I agree that a trip to the doctor could be helpful for her.

As for the kids... hey, they are resilient. My kids are getting like one or two presents each this year and that's about it, very unlike years past. And you know what my 11-year-old said when I informed him of that? I was so afraid he'd be distressed. Nope. He said, "that's OK mom. Christmas isn't really about presents anyway."
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If your wife's mood is dampening everyone's spirits, create time for her to be off on her own, reading in her bedroom, taking long baths, whatever. And you and the kids do the decorating and stuff without her this year. In other words, you create the holiday fun with your kids this year. It might even lift your wife's spirits a bit to know you are not all depending on her to make this holiday "happen."

~ Snow

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: TA ]</small>

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: TA ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should I comfort her and how? She refuses AD, I know she needs them she is so damn depressed like I was 2 months ago. How should I respond to her when she says she feels so guilty?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you should be mean and spiteful and full of "It told you so!" Love is patient, love is kind, love is slow to anger, quick to forgive, love endures and is long suffering, love always expects the best from our spouse....love never fails.

Hugs work a lot. Especially if there is no talking, just a safe and warm embrace.

Now, onto the "Xmas" thing. I suspect that this could be part of the problem, even though you might be unaware of it. "Xmas" is secular shorthand (yes, it's simpler and quicker to type) for Christmas. But it's also very disrespectful to God and to most Christians. It's somewhat tantamount to using the "F" word to describe the loving Act of Marriage (Sex) in a marriage.

It conveys a little of the "idea" of what it is about, but it delegitimizes and demeans the act of Love. Christmas IS about the ultimate in Love, from God to all who were in adultery against Him, so that He could DO something for us, love us despite ourselves, and give us "the way back." God gave all of Himself. Beginning with Christmas and ending with Easter, He loved us unto death....no matter what confused state we were in. Now, go and do likewise.

God bless.

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 07:08 PM: Message edited by: TA ]</small>

just keep reassuring her you will be there in a safe way for her and back it up with actions.

TA - did you and Steve discuss the possibility that she's in a one way affair? i.e., fantasizing about some guy who may not even know he's an object?

Keep doing what you're doing - flowers and all. Show up at her office again sometime. This has the extra benefit of pseudo exposure - if there IS a workplace OM, the other ladies gushing over your attention to your wife, etc. is the next best thing as real exposure. Everyone will know you're real and perceive you as an admirable husband. This will establish a set up for any actual workplace shenanagins to be met with disdain by her co-workers.

As for the holidays, relax. Look at what you have - a wife still at home and willing to talk to SH. That's the best holiday experience a lot of BSs can only dream about. SO get real. Agonizing over this Christmas is very short sighted. Think long term and set your sights on the many, many, many more holidays you can spend with your NEW marriage!

Hi, there, TA. WHen I read this thread: That was me! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She always make Xmas cookies and does lots of things with the kids. On this day she stayed in bed the whole day, never left our bedroom. Had the kids bring her tea and that's about it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just a comment on somethinge else that might be contributing to her sadness and withdrawal. Have you considered menopause as part of the problem?

I was 40 when I started menopause. THat is very early, I know. With the chemical imbalance and the mood swings I was bascially a basket case for about 5 years! Only after that did I find out I was in the middle of a clinical depression as well.

Menopause, is a very weird time. Your body changes, you know you are getting older, you can't have more children. And your life is half over. THose questions like: what if I had married someone else? WHat if I was single? Where SHOULD I have been now? All questions that I obsessed over. It is a HUGE MLC if you don't recognize what is happening.

There is a test to see if that is the case. I chose to not use hormonal treatment but that can be one option. BUt there are others as well.

Just a thought.

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 07:08 PM: Message edited by: TA ]</small>