Tonight WH and I went to a social event. I was afraid OW would be there, but the event started, and she was not. I was having a nice time with WH, smiling, having a nice time, some conversation, etc. After the banquet started I looked up and OW, OWH and 2 kids had come in. I was fairly cool about it until WH started looking over on the opposite side of the room where she was. (They love to do this - make eyes at each other thinking no one knows their secret. I've watched it over and over until I want to throw up.) Finally I said, "We're over here, WH." He looked over and said, What's your problem? I said, You know what my problem is. I was having a good time until she came in. He says, Well you just ruined it for me. Then he said to me, You're wrong. You're so wrong. (Of course. I am always wrong. Everything is always my fault. He's still trying to deny the A) So I continued to try to be pleasant with him but he was rather rude. Finally we did our part of the program. I continued making small talk until he stood up suddenly and said "Let's Go." So we rode home in silence and when we got home, he went outside to another building and probably will not come in until late. He is furious.

I think I just blew Plan A. However, I also feel that this is a boundary issue. I have the right to be angry, don't I?? These two people have ruined my life and destroyed my future.

My questions are these?

Should I have kept quiet?

Is it not ok to express my anger at his behavior?

Would what I did be considered a LB? I didn't say anything bad about her, just anger that he was making eyes at her while with me. I said that her being there ruined my day.

I am sure that a big blowup is coming. He is too angry to even talk to me right now -- in fact, he will never talk to me or acknowledge the affair in any way. DEEP fog. He will use this as just another way to justify the A.

He has blatantly continued the affair through exposure, and everything I have tried to do. He thinks I am stupid, and I am not. I am told that in Plan A it is ok, if respectfully done, to express that the A must stop and NC must begin. And that it is ok to say that. Holding all this inside is tearing me up. What are the limits on this? I really would like opinions and advice, please.

Update:

He is deeply furious. Said I "tarnished his celebration" (We were giving an award in memory of our son.) I said I have every right to be angry. He pointed his finger and said "Quiet." Would not let me reply in any way. I told him not to threaten me. He again told me to be quiet. Don't know if this one will be "gotten over" or not. Things just go from bad to worse. If I hadn't loved him for so many years, I would give up.

((((((((((((((((((((Starz)))))))))))))))))))))))

You were right to do what you did. Too bad for your WH. Shame on OW to come to a memorial for your son. Shame on your husband to act the way he did.

Please take care of you. Let your WH know that his behavior is wrong. Stick up for yourself girl.

She was there because her daughter was receiving an award. (Not ours) He has taken the whole thing as my doing something to ruin the memorial for our son. I say his whole affair and lying life is more of an insult to our son than anything else. Disrespect of our marriage is an insult to our son. Disrespect of his son's mother is beyond any other insult.

You are exactly right Starz. But IB ain't gonna believe that. Time to detach from him.

Does OW's husband know what is going on?

You did the right thing.

There was no boundary and no LB. Why? Because you stayed at your function due to the circumstances (understandable). You did not leave or ask to leave, you left when he was ready.

He told you t/b quiet, you did as you were told....for a while.

What type of boundary do you need to set?

IMHO, I would have made a comment about his roving eyes.....something out loud like..... 'you got on your roving eye contacts tonight, dear?' Let everyone know he can't control himself.

What does the OW's H know about this A?

L.

Hey you.....I've been off of I-ville for a little bit, but wanted you to know that I feel very strongly about your situation with your H.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Clearly boundary issue <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Plan A does not make you a doormat. And it most certainly does not ALLOW him to point a finger at you and say "Quiet." You are not a 2 year old. You do not need to be treated like a child. You are the one behaving like an adult. You are the one who is being faithful, and trying to save the M. He , OTOH, is acting like an immature 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum.

Please don't feel bad for getting angry. Anger itself is not an LB. It's how you present it that can be. Don't present it in a derrogatory manner, by calling names, or insulting him. But definitely don't put up with that behavior either. You could clearly say "H, I will not tolerate you staring over at OW during the night, and then denying any A when it is clear that it still continues. At this point, we will be leaving this ceremony because this behavior is disrespectful to both myself as well as our son."

I don't think there are any LB's in that (of course, I could be proven wrong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

You are not a doormat. You are not an object. You are not a child. You are not an animal to be commanded.

You are a loving, caring, and sensitive individual who is going through an enormous amount of pain right now. Have faith in yourself, and know that you are doing the right thing. Don't let him walk all over you.....


((((((((((starz)))))))))))

well starz...the question was this a boundary or a LB...
the answer is neither....

you set no specific clear boundary and to say to hubby...what you did is perfectly acceptable...

except it makes him defensive and he lashes back....

your boundary perhaps should have happened before you attended especially knowing she might be there...

saying something like...

'dear...tonight in accepting this memorial it is very important that I feel you and I are there together.....too honor our son

or something like that...
which also isn't a boundary..

boundaries are yours...and have little to do with the other person...they are your internal triggers that you will either accept or not accept in your universe and on which YOU will act upon..

the others are free to choose...
and then you are free to decide...

there are a lot of little flags about your both of your communications...

you need to look at this and see how and where you can change your language to meet your needs of being heard better...

your husband blew this way out of proportion as a smoke screen to continue his mantra that the BS is
"bad'
'crazy'
ruins family things...etc...

that's out of your control...
but your response..
and you refusal to give in to that sentiment without power struggling...

he tells you to be quiet...
you say don't tell me to be quiet..
he says be quiet again...
the exercise in futility is off and running...

what I get most is that you are and have been in plan A too long...and it is TIME for plan B..

If your d-day was in june/july...then you should be moving to plan b if not already there...

otherwise your plan a becomes just a cake eating walk....

not clear on what you mean about d day with no acknowledgement...

you can't change him...
and unless you want to live the rest of your life this way..

you better change.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ARK

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 05:58 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Starz - I'm so sorry he was being such a horse's [censored] on what should be such a solomn and giving night. Geez! I cannot imagine what justification he could possibly come up with in that fogged out alien abducted brain that would amend his behavior. UG! No, you did not do the wrong thing. You crossed no boundries - he was an a$$ and you called him on it. He just didn't like being called out for his obviously bad behavior. He thought he was being covert and you blew his "cover." Too bad, so sad, sorry 'bout your bad luck, dude! I love ya Starz.

To quote me: He was dressing up his shi#y actions and handing them to the world on a silver platter telling everyone (or himself) it's fine chocolate. You just happened to see it and call it for what it was - horse sh1t! And you ruined his illision and it p-ed him off.

Remind me to never blow smoke up YOUR tuckus, Starz! I'm sure you'll def. tell me like it is (and that's why I love ya).

- Kimmy

Thanks for all the wonderful replies. I will read them several times and take them to heart.

To ark - I am unable completely to talk to him about anything to do with the A or our R. He simply refuses to talk to me about any of those things. So I can't even set boundaries except that in our very first talk (he refused to answer or talk) I made it clear that No Contact had to occur and what that meant. Of course, he just didn't hear me, I guess.

I am going to make another appointment to talk to Steve next week, I guess. My situation is kind of strange. I discovered absolute proof of the affair in May. However, I was working with an investigator most of the summer and fall. Exposure began in late Sept. or early Oct. along with a "confronting" talk with H about my knowledge of the A, how hurt and angry I was, but mostly hurt, a plea to save the marriage, and how much I wanted to save the marriage and had no desire to hurt him.

I exposed to OWH that same day. Since then I have exposed to most of the family and all of our close friends. He has stopped meeting her at hotels, but they are still in constant contact. He is making promises to her that he will divorce me and marry her. He is stashing money aside, I believe for their future together.

About a month later he "talked" at me, not with me, as I was not to speak. At the end of his well planned speech (which was to make everything my fault, of course,) I asked him if he intended to stay married to me. He said yes. Of course, that could have been just one more lie. Everything else has been.

I will read and reread your reply. And make an appointment with Steve. Thank you so much, as always.

I agree with Ark, Starz. You need to get out of this Plan A sitch, so that you can heal AND so the dynamics of the affair can begin to shift.

Making google eyes at his affair partner while with you should be a boundary of yours. Which would mean if crossed, you are out of there. The fact that it was a memorial awards ceremony where your son was being remembered just makes me want to scream, and you said it has happened before.

Go to Plan B, before you murder the man.

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

What do you mean, "you were not to speak" ????????

Go back and read LIT's post to you about 10 times, okay Starz?

good grief, not to speak!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Starz,

Boundaries are what you decide for what is within your control. You can't control the WS at all. Don't even waste a breathe on that piece.

Define boundaries of what you will or will not accept in your life.

Please reconsider and come up with some boundaries you can implement regardless of his state of mind (or the lack thereof).

L.