Its been a strange couple of days. Since my failing plan B H has been back home everyday. He seems like the man I married. We go places, go out to dinner, he calls me and has been so affectionate he makes me gag <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Meanwhile in affairworld, i got a secondhand report from OW's relatives that WH hasn't been calling her or going to see her. She called him up and tried to snap on him screaming that they dont do anything together anymore, he doesnt call her, etc. He then told her that she wasnt his girlfriend, that he didnt take that crap from his wife, so what made her think he would take it from her and hung up on her. She called her cousin and poured out that little story and when cousin asked my WH about it he said he wasnt gonna put up with that kinda ****, that he loved me more than anyone in the world and he didnt take it from me and that ow couldnt even stand next to me much less take my place. He then told cousin that he had been an idiot and that he was coming home. You guys think this is just holiday false recovery?

Can't really tell, but on the surface sounds good although I don't know you're history. I would say be careful of holiday rebound, but in your case there is problems in their fantasy world, that's good. OW will not be to forgiving of WH for those comments. She shouldn't here them though if NC was in place. Negotiate that with WH while the iron is hot. It would be grand if that is the last thing OW heard from your WH.

What caught my eye was your heading. I don't look at saving a M as winning or losing. To win, there has to be a loser. Unless you are talking in context of you and your H winning your M back together and OW losing. Then I think it is acceptable to look at it that way. I say this because my WW looks at our sitch in terms of I win she loses or vice versa. Turns into a battle of wills. Wrong way to look at it. Didn't know if your WH was the same way.

Shelly, I’m not familiar with your story and can’t remember if I have read any of your previous posts (too many posts too keep up with <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), so my opinion and observation is based on this post only. From this post, things sound very positive and it seems if you are in fact winning! Your H’s actions show he is committed to you now and recovered from most of his ‘addiction’ to the OW. I get the idea that the A has run its course and have died a natural death for your H. It seems he doesn’t live in ‘fantasy world’ anymore and have come to his senses. I’m happy for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

Hey Shelly,

It sure sounds like your H's actions are getting better... Keep watching them for consistency...

Have you found a good pro-marriage MC yet? If not, I'd try and find one and ask your H to start going with you.

It's great that his actions have changed, and I hope that they will remain consistent... but both you and your H must eventually deal with the issues that caused your H to stray in the first place... Until you both deal with it, it will just bubble around under the surface of your M until it starts oozing out again...

Don't mean to sound negative... again, I think that your H's actions right now are very positive... Find a good pro-marriage MC and get your H to go with you... so he will continue this 'good' behavior!

Semper Fi,
RIF

shelly..

did he write a no contact letter or has he agreed to 1000000000000000% no contact...

taking phone is NOT no contact..

has he turned over all cell phones, numbers, passwords etc....

are you and he able to talk about the affair....

are you two in counseling together attending together in which he acknowledges his actions...

be very wary of a 'good act' to make everything appear all right....

until you are in counseling and he TALKS/DISCLOSES...it's NOT recovery...
and I hope you didn't "take him back' without your boundaries in place...

ark

Hi all, sorry i havent had any time to respond before now. Well, it was looking good for awhile. WH isnt coming home tonite he's staying at his buddies house where he's been living during our separation. I think he gets too comfortable here, so much so he sleeps like a log and cant even get up to go to work. I dont think he's quite ready to come home for good yet, but he's close.

Bear, i often wonder why I try so hard to save my marriage. Do i really love my H so much that i can get past all the heartache of the past 5 months or do i just want to "win"? Im from a family that believes "once a cheater always a cheater" and you should get the hell out of dodge once you catch them cheating. Then theres OW. Call me vain if you want, but i honestly cant see my H prefering anyone over me and what happened really bruised my ego. But the more i've thought about it as i lie next to him at night the more i realize that i really do love him still, im comfortable with him and i dont even LOOK at other men.Sometimes i wish all my love for him would go away because i dont ever want to hurt again like i did thru all of this mess.

Thanks Suzet for your well wishes, although i still have a ways to go with getting my marriage and my family back on track.

R.I.F, Im trying to deal with our issues, i just dont know how yet.

Ark, as you can probably can tell, he's not ready to come back yet, and as for nc, he gets upset when he thinks im trying to force him to do something. I believe a lot of our problems stem from him thinking that im trying to control him. Remember when you told me to stop power struggling with him? Thats part of our problems. We are both two strong willed individuals who both want things our own way.My H is used to people being intimidated by him, his friends, coworkers, you name it. All except me. See, he will leave ow alone. As long as i dont demand it, if i do, it starts up again.I just dont know how to handle this.

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 01:20 AM: Message edited by: shelly_3 ]</small>

Shelly,

Let's put some clarity here.

1. He is showing signs of being an Xws. This is good. You are wise not to move him home.....yet.

2. He doesn not want you to control him. There is a BIG difference between control and protecting. NC is protection to the family. He needs to help you and your family feel safe from the WS and OP. Put this spin on him and deflate his control excuse.

3. As for him getting too comfortable at friend's house.....let him..... unless they guy is willing to be his W, I think that w/b short lived. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Now your plan of action:
A. You need to secure a good plan. Can you get with Steve for some phone counseling?

B. Identify and set your boundaries.

C. Where are you at with your reading material?

D. Do you have an emergency financial plan setup in case he reverts to a WS?

Remember this isn't a game though it feels like one. If you find yourself being treated like a pawn, pull out of the game. RE: You aren't the pawn, you are the Queen! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

take care,
L.

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 04:43 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Hey Orchid!

Well, i just got finished ordering his needs, her needs. Hopefully that will help me out some.Phone counselling? I dont know, sounds kinda strange to me, not to mention a little expensive. I'll try to put that spin on the control issue that we both have. I just dont know what his problem is with that. If i ask him to do something he wont do it, even if its something we both agree on. Its like he's at war with me and I think its stupid and childish. I hope this book gets here soon so i have something else to occupy my mind for a little while.

Just came back from the movies with WH. Or i should say i came home and he went to where he's been staying since we separated. Had a good time, we went to see Blade Trinity. I feel like im dating my own H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />