CJ-

I'm sorry to hear about your son. I'm sure he doesn't really understand the thoughtlessness and selfishness of his actions.

I hope that perhaps during this season of Hanukkah, your son will see the light of the lamp and find his way home.

Best to you and your family, {{{{{CJ}}}}}

HOFS

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: HeroOfFamiliesandSons ]</small>

Hi CJ, looks like we must of posted at about the same time. I will continue to keep your son and you in my prayers. Karen

CJ,
I have a son in just about the same situation. Has friends that tell him why are you doing this crap when you have a home with a mom and sister that love you, a roof over your head and food to eat?? Still, he goes off and stays gone for days at a time, sleeping wherever, hiding out, doing whatever....When will they get a clue????

Hope yours comes home soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Katie

FNCJ,

I'm just going to assume that he will be returned with all his parts, and get into the larger pic..ok?

You have said that this is a normal teen rebellion thing. Well, I dissagree. This is delinquency..it suggests gross emotional immaturity, and action probably IS in order. It would be extreme for a child half his age..at 17 it demonstrates shockingly poor judgement. He isn't ready to make it on his own.

Something that my mother once explained to me..that really helped me through what I think IS the natural pull a young person on the cusp of adulthood [I do think the drive for independence is natural..helps the young leave the nest]. She explained to me..childrearing as she saw it. At first, a tiny helpless baby..the parents are completely responsible for it..nurture, feed, change. The child grows and even at a young age the parent begins to let go as they train the child to manage it's own life. I teach you how to eat..then I don't feed you anymore. Still with me? Then she went on to talk about the teen years..how they are preparation for adulthood, and the greatest lesson to be learned..the last gamute to pass..was the reverse of infancy..can you accept responsibility for your own life without the accompanying freedom. When you can do this..you are ready. You have discernment, respect for authority, and self control. It sounds like he is stuck at "if I can take care of myself, why should I have to do what YOU say". If he is receptive to dialogue explaining something like this may give him the ability to understand and to accept. As a young adult he will have to be aware that the company you choose to keep will affect your life. Guilt by association is a real phenomenon. Osmosis <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . However, it really does seem that he is just frankly not mature enough..and has been indulged perhaps unwittingly in this immaturity for such a long time he may need to learn lifes hard lessons the hard way. Oh..another possible thing for him to give consideration to, is this model..or something like it.

the four types of men,

1 the wise man..learns by instruction and discernment

2 the good man..learns by seeing what happens to others

3 the fool.. learns from his own mistakes

4 the scoffer..never learns.

I think those categories are accurate..and it helps, I think, to separate what most would consider "good" lessons [those we learn from personal experience] as foolish and thus raise the bar. People can and should not have to be hit by a car to know that it will hurt..they therefore should look before crossing the street. We must be trained to look beyond our noses..to anticipate the likely outcome of events and navigate around consequences we don't want to pay. People who fail to learn these skills are often fools and scoffers. I would not wish this on my children, and I am certain [I have read a lot of your posts] that you do not either.

Good luck and best wishes

Noodle

Good luck! I have a 17 year old who is a good kid. His older brother was the challenging one. Hang on. They have to assert their independence at lot. Maybe he needs a different school. I think parenting with one parent IS really hard. My WH may never have been around a lot but he would back me up when necessary.

I know it's hard when somebody doesn't come home at night. As a mom, if all my "chicks" aren't in the nest, I can't rest. Teenagers, H, doesn't matter. Funny, though, when my oldest when to college he kind of fell off my radar and I don't worry about him quite so much.

CJ,

I have to agree with noodle that this is not "normal" teenage rebellion. When my daughter reached this state, it required intense intervention. (And she is doing fine now!, but I almost lost this child) Here are some guidelines from Barton Smith PHD (Adolescent Psychologist):

See a counselor if...

1. You think your teenager is depressed, suicidal, drinking frequently, using drugs, or in danger of running away.
2. Your teenager is taking undue risks, such as reckless driving or unsafe sex.
3. Your teenager has no close friends.
4. Your teenager's school performance is declining markedly.
5. Your teenager is skipping school frequently.
6. Your teenager's outbursts of temper are violent.
7. You feel your teenager's rebellion is excessive.
8. You find yourself escalating the criticism and punishment.

Hi, everyone:

Okay...remembered to eat something...which is major for me because when I'm stressed I tend to forget for hours (or days). I also did call the police and report him as a runaway--officials at his school have been notified, and so have his friends that I know of. I chose to go to yoga classe, because it's something physical to do and it helps me focus and balance. Okay...


Karen/FL,
Thanks for your post. Yeah, I think we posted about the same time, but I did see it, and I sure do appreciate it. BTW, have I ever told you how much I admire you for the work you're doing on yourself? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

HOFS,
Yay, thanks for posting too. It means a lot just to hear from you. Been a Loooooong Time!

katiegirl,
Hope yours comes to his senses soon too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

HurtingCarol,
Thanks for your post too. It's funny, isn't it? I have two kids also, and my YD is so much more like I was--a "good girl" and fairly good student. My OS has and always will be the challenge. I think he's hard-wired a bit differently.

Finally, noodle and star*fish:
Just so you know, I agree with you two. I do not believe this is "normal" teenage rebellion--I just know that is a small portion of the mix. I have seen "normal" teenage rebellion, and I believe it is more like wearing a funny haircut, listening to music that sounds like noise, and occasionally stretching that curfew by half an hour. The kinds of behavior he is exhibiting do demonstrate to me that no matter what his chronological age may be, he is not ready for accepting adult responsibility. Throughout both of the kids' whole lives I have had good and frank discussions with them about how it is my job to teach them to make mature choices and eventually live without me. I mean...so they can move on and move out and be productive members of society, etc. My kids don't have locks on their doors and don't expect me to stay out of their room, because I explained to them that the room they are in is MY room that I have loaned them until they can provide a room for themself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> My point here is that in the same way that sex has been a discussion we have had all along as it was age appropriate, same with growing up and moving out. We've had talks; we've had plans how he was going to transition from high schooler to adult, etc. That's why this is pretty out of character for him and why I don't feel particularly panicky (a little, yes, but not freaked out).

My plan for the rest of the day is to work on deciding what to do when he does return. I'm not too great with boundaries ('cuz I was sexually abused as a kid) so I have to get them REALLY concrete and written out so I can express them out loud AND to myself. I'm going to the bookstore this afternoon to study up on "Love Must Be Tough" and will DEFINITELY be enforcing ongoing counseling as one requirement. That much I KNOW!! I even know the counselor that I trust and my son likes.

Sigh.

Still waiting to hear from him though. ACK!!


CJ

CJ,

Good to hear your posts and look forward to hearing one about the younger ws (wayward son) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am proud of how you are handling this. How are the other children doing? Can they help out with watchful eyes and ears? They must be able to do some networking for you also, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

CJ

I hate to say this..but I'd hate it worse to go unsaid and need to be. Have you considered a drug test when he returns? If this behavior is out of character..the first thing that springs to mind as a common factor for all of his changes is drugs. Hopefully you would be able to get him into a rehab as he is still a minor..just have to hurry. If he is only recently involved [probably not as recent as we might hope or he wouldn't be manifesting so clearly] it might be long enough to clear his larger cobwebs long enough to transfer to the college environment.

Good luck

Noodle

CJ,

I have no advice, and am currently facing some issues of my own with my younger son that we'll be addressing by starting counseling this week, but I do wonder if you should contact that counselor that you already know, who your son likes so that you can get some advice on the front end of what to do when he comes home.

Or maybe you've already done this!! I'm hoping to learn from your experience and all the others too. Blessings, CSue

Hi CJ -- I have little or nothing to add; my own daughter is working on potty training, not independence training -- and my own childhood was marked by little in the way of real rebellion. (Unless you want to count a lot of slammed doors.)

You and your son are in my prayers, though. May you come through this trial as strongly as you've come through all the others.

Found him.

He was at school, and when I called to let them know he had run away, they held him until I could come pick him up. He's home now even as we speak.

I'll keep you'all up-to-date.


CJ

CJ,

Glad he is home safe, now you can .... him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> That is give him some.... tough love. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Let him know your international community has been notified. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Only if that is helpful of course.

take care,
L.

CJ !!!

I'm so glad that he's home... Thanks for the update...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Strange that he would attend school even when he didn't come home. Your influence on him must have been better than you thought. He sounds like he basically is a good kid having a bad time. Glad he is home and safe, I am sure you are relieved and now can be p*ssed.

Not so strange. I was a run-away at the age of 15, about 3 weeks before the end of school. I skipped the classes but returned to take my exams. I just sauntered in, wrote the tests and sauntered out again. I guess the teachers all thought I'd returned home, because nobody tried to stop me or question me at all.

Glad you have your boy home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

dewt

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 07:29 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

I'm so glad to hear it, CJ.

Hugs and Blessings,

C

Good news! As someone who ran away from home when I was 17 - and did NOT come back - I now know the pain I caused my parents, and am thankful for you that your son returned. (P.S. I still feel guilty sometimes!)

FNCJ I think I felt your heart beat normally again just there....

Remember to slap his ears then love him like my Mom used to with me when I behaved like a teenage dirtbag <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All blessings darl'..ALL blessings.{{{{{{CJ & SON }}}}

CJ

just great to hear that!!
Isn't it wonderful that he went to school!!
You must have got through somewhere at sometime!!

maybe it was one of those sits where he didn't KNOW HOW to come home. Kids get funny ideas at times and feel they cannot face Mom or Dad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

But good news! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />