***Still no help, so I'll change the thread name.....

H comes from a D family. D when he was 13, what a terrible time (as if there is a good time). This comes up every Christmas, and I don't know why, but it blindsided me this year...I guess because we've been rolling along merrily...


I love Christmas, the traditions, the tree, lights, presents, shopping, EVERYTHING! I work hard around this time of year and it is a labor of love.

My H has never liked Christmas and gets a little depressed. He gets grumpy, fights me at every turn. I put up the tree, ask him to put up the lights, and he says he doesn't want to, or asks, why do we have to do this now? I do most if not all of the shopping and ask him to help wrap presents, he complains and is very b^&chy about the whole process. Does not share in my enthusiasm.

Throughout the month of December generally is in a bad mood.

We had a short talk last night laying in bed with the lights out and heads together holding each other. I told him my character flaw is that when he seems angry or perturbed I wonder what I have done to anger him. He reminded me that he doesn't like Christmas...too many bad memories...he comes from a D family. We talked a bit about it. I told him I wouldn't take things so personally and asked if he could pretend to be a little happier and build better memories for the kid's sakes...we have an 11 and 7 year old.

Any ideas, suggestions?

The past few years we have been spending Christmas at our own house instead of travelling anywhere else (and having to decide which parent to visit).

I think this D issue plays a much bigger issue in our lives. Any insight?

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: StillHereMakingIt ]</small>

Any ideas, anyone, anyone?

My parents divorced when I was about 12.

I LOVE Christmas.

At my house, I am the one that puts up the tree (lights and all).
I put out any decorations.
I clean up afterwards.

Come to think of it, I wrap almost all of the presents. Everything except what H gives me.

I think you need to probe deeper into this Bah Humbug attitude. "I'm a child of D" just doesn't cut it. Find out WHY the D figures so prominently into his Christmas memories. Find out how y'all can build new happy Christmas memories.

And if he doesn't want to, so what?
You can still get pleasure out of the season, and share that pleasure with your children or friends.

You are right TH, he has been too vague in his excuses, and relying on me to fill in the blanks. The kids and I are having a good time. I am going to keep on having a good time and if he is moping around, I'll mention his attitude is bringing me down and he can work on a project somewhere else or ....else...

He never uses his parent's D an excuse for anything except for this holiday, and family gatherings...and his parents get along pretty well now (maybe they didn't in the past).

Ok so this comes under the heading of lecturing and is probably not helpful - "I told him I wouldn't take things so personally and asked if he could pretend to be a little happier and build better memories for the kid's sakes...we have an 11 and 7 year old."

I'm not saying you're thoughts are wrong, I'm saying that telling him those things are probably not going to help solve the problem.

I think turtle is on the right track when she suggests probing a little deeper. But you have to do it carefully and defenselessly. "I'm sorry the holidays are so hard for you. It's tough for me to understand since I love the holidays so much. Would you be willing to tell me about what the holidays were like for you growing up? It would help me understand a little of why this time of year is so yukky for you."

Then you have to listen, validate, and acknowledge. No opinions other than, "I can see how that would be terrible/traumatic/horrible..."

And then just let it sit. Change the subject and be gentle.

C

my parents divorced when i was 8. the entire holiday season used to be awful for me. but i don't think every kid that comes from a divorce would have the same issue. for me, i had to realize and then conciously change my perspective about the holidays. i would say this happened about 8yrs ago for me. i can't say why all of a sudden i realized that i was letting past unpleasant holidays mess up my present ones but something made me realize it and i started conciously forcing myself to change. it was like i was just in the habit of feeling sad at xmas. i do recall sharing this insight with my H and he helped.

so i am just comfirming the advice given to you to probe deeper (cerri's suggestion of wording is wonderful). and think about how your love for him may help him enjoy the holidays finally!! i know it is a pain on you to be around a mopey person for the holidays. the challange is to think about how it would be to be him, and how the holidays have not brought him the joy it is supposed to bring. if you can help him overcome that, what a wonderful gift you will be giving him. good luck.

You are right all, DJ's are STILL my biggest LB, although I have curbed them back dramatically, they permeate my personality so wholly I struggle daily with it.

My H is a conflict avoider, and gentle probing is very difficult. I have probed in so many DIFFERENT ways (some harshly) that he is very tender to anything that smacks as probing. (Think abducted human that gets probed nightly by aliens and the next day wonders why his butt hurts, and is afraid of forks...)

So I can generally ask one or two questions before he puts his guard up and gets defensive. I did ask him last night what his worst Christmas memory was...he said he didn't want to go there. I asked what his happiest was...said he couldn't remember. I asked if his grandparents liked Christmas, he said his G-ma was a Christmas elf, and she had died on Christmas Eve...

He also said he was feeling bad last night, didn't know why, we talked a bit, I was making things in the kitchen and was in a GREAT mood and goofing around with him. He went downstairs and wanted to work on a project, wanted to fix a problem, wanted to have a success at something, He was in a better mood after a few hours.

We have been celebrating Yule with the kids the past few years. A special night for us where we all MAKE presnts for each other. It ends up being a VERY special night! And that is a new tradition...