I've been having marital problems for quite a while but that's a very long story for another thread.

My dh signed up for an alternative dating site/fettishes while we were in an argument. In his subject line/intro line he put "my wife is more interested in money than me -- distract me" and then goes on to describe how "hard" he is and his measurements of his member if you know what I mean.

When I confronted him with it, he told me if I'd just pay attention to him he wouldn't do things like that (this is the 2nd time he's signed onto a dating site when we've been arguing).

What would you call this?

Sounds like he's trying to get your goat. Are you divorced or still together? Try walking away or the reverse babble techniques. Maybe you need to work on fair fighting techniques. I don't think logging on to sex sites in front of your wife is a nice thing for him to do. Pretty rude and childish. It seems like power play, grandstand thing. A "see if you don't pay attention to me, maybe somebody else will." Lots of issues here, sex, money. Exactly where is the problem?

HC thanks for responding. Well honestly, we have a whole ton of problems. I am pasting something I posted on another board so you can get a "flavor" of what we're going through at the moment. It's very long, so hopefully you can make it through it. I think the bottom line is that I don't feel secure (financially or otherwise) with dh, I don't feel like I can trust him.

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I've been married to my current dh for 4 1/2 years, been together 5 1/2. We've both been married once before. He has an 8-year-old son from his previous marriage and I have a 15-year-old daughter from mine and we have a 2 1/2 year-old together.

When we first met, dated and then decided to get married everything was fine, he had a decent job (although he was pretty lax about going to work everyday -- should have been a huge red flag). After being together for about 6 months he started pressuring that we should buy a house because he really wanted to own a house before he was 30, even though I was reluctant, we did it anyway -- on my credit and although we qualified for a first time buyer deal I paid the down payment and we moved into our house just before Thanksgiving in 1999.

In May of 2000 (the month before we got married) my dh said he was having back problems (he used to be a crab fisherman in Alaska and hurt his back 10 years previously) and went on short-term disability. The disability pay was constantly being held up because forms had to be filled out every month to keep it going so there were a couple of months he didn't bring in any money. He had a back procedure done in November of 2000 and ended up being released back to work in December of 2000. Problem solved right? Wrong. Due to the sporadic disability payments, we were forced to claim Chapter 13 (repayment) so we could at least keep the house and the vehicles. We never did get caught back up.

He worked until May of 2002 (a month before our daughter was born) and went back on short-term disability for his back. Again, for about 9 months, the disability pay was extremely sporadic until he was finally switched over to long-term disability with a steady income coming in every month (albeit $22k a year doesn't go far). Because of the return to short-term disability, we had to switch from a Chapter 13 to a Chapter 7 (total liquidation) in January of 2003 so we lost everything, car, truck and house. We were able to stay in the house until August of 2003 and ended up moving to a rental house where we're still living.

In April of this year, his long-term disability carrier caught him on survellience doing things he said he wasn't able to perform, they cut his long-term disability pay off as of Oct. 7, 2004. He went to his doctor and got a release to work, went back to work and was immediately laid off (this was mid- to late October). He finally got his severance and vacation about a week ago -- and not nearly enough to get us caught up on bills.

He says he's been looking for a job but isn't having any luck. He's also filed for unemployment but the Employment Security Dept. said it'd be at least six weeks before it'd kick in so that'll easily take until sometime in January before we see any money. I want to mention that my dh said he'd do everything and anything to make sure we had money coming in, yet he hasn't. I asked why he can't look for some other type of work (IT) and he says no way, that even if he finds a job they'll have to be very accommodating because he'll need a recliner in his cubicle and he'll have to be able to work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been taking care of everything financially. I had to take a loan against my 401(k) to pay 1st/last and damage on the rental and another loan against it last winter when we almost had our electricity shut off because we couldn't pay the bill (over $1,000).

Now here's another dilemma, I don't like my stepson -- we don't get along and he's not a very nice kid. He lies, steals, cheats and is cruel to the animals and even his little sister if he thinks he can get away with it. Then to top it off, dh's exwife has pretty much abandoned him --hasn't called since August. He's been with us full-time since February and she doesn't pay a dime to help support him. By way of background, both dh and I have (or should I say had) joint custody with our exs (week on/week off) (No child support and pay 50% of all extra costs).

I am at my wits end. My dh doesn't understand why I am so upset and stressed all the time. I've already contacted a divorce attorney, filled out her questionnaire and will be meeting with her next week. I am sorry, but I just can't handle it anymore. I don't want to be broke all the time and never known when or if dh will have money coming in the door to pay bills. I am tired of borrowing money from my 15-year-old daughter for gosh sakes because we need milk or something

There is other stuff going on too, dh takes opiates for his pain, smokes dope daily and drinks heavily. I am afraid I drink heavily as well right now and am hoping I can get it under control or seek help if need be once I get my situatiuon straighted out.

My dh has been sending me the obligatory manipulative emails about why I being so mean, why I won't talk to him, etc. how can I want to break up our family and now, like every other time I've been ready to leave, I am doubting myself again. I truly think I love him but I can't go on like this. I want to be able to be stress free about the bills and have extra money to do stuff.

Should also mention that I cover everyone's medical insurance which includes dh, my ss (both daughters) and dh's illegitmate daughter he had at 17. A whopping $700 out of my check every month.

And even more. He moved out the end of July but we reconciled and decided to get marriage counseling and I found out that even before he was out of the house he had signed up for a dating site. When I called him on it he said "well you were kicking me out of the house" No sorry, no nothing. He also watches porn on a constant basis because I don't want to be intimate.

I am just a meal ticket aren't I? Our marriage counselor (went to the same counselor but separately because my insurance won't cover marriage counseling) has been trying to help me formulate a plan to get out but I am out of covered sessions and won't have anymore until May of next year.

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Sunflowers,

I don't recommend this much but right now your H is trying to destroy himself and all who are with him. He is also teaching his children to do the same.

You should get with a good lawyer and separate finances immediately. You will only go deeper in debit and no one w/b there to bail you out. Your H is a liability not an asset.

You are a hard worker. You and your little one can survive on your own. If the risk is losing the house or go deeper into debit, consider your options wisely. Don't count on anything from your H and stop paying for his child's bad decisions. Let him do that.

He is freeloading off of you and will find another to dump on so don't feel sorry for that also.

The one you s/b feeling sorry for is your little child. That is her dad and as sad as that is, he always w/b but he doesn't have to screw her out of happiness also. Her happiness may have to be without a freeloading dad.

Check out separation/divorce and counseling options in your state.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks Orchid,

Trust me, I've already put the wheels into motion (although dh thinks everything is hunky dory again because he brought me an orchid to work on Friday and we talked and he apologized for signing onto the stupid fettish site). I opened up my own checking account on Friday and I am meeting with a divorce attorney tomorrow afternoon.

I know he'll find another "meal ticket" in no time flat (he really is a good looking and charming man) but I just can't do this anymore.

I am scared -- not of being alone but of everything else.

Thanks.

Sunflower,

Remember he has to show changes. You need to doubt and question the sincerity of his changes not he question you.

The changes need to be long term not short term. Only after you watch his changes from a distance will it be possible to put your life in his hands as he has put his trust in you. No less s/b acceptable.

Take the high road on this one. BTW, it is emotional, mental and neasay even physical abuse.

JMHO,
L.