is it typical for the BS to start to feel like a doormat/lost puppy while the WW is still in w/drawal and the fog? it sure does get discouraging to realize i am the only one making an effort. i have been doing plan a, meeting her EN'S that she will let me, and trying my best to avoid LB'S, but sometimes i just think "what am i trying so hard for?" SHE is the one who cheated on ME. but i know i have to go thru this, if i want to make our M better then ever, which i do. alas, i do love this lady, more so then i ever realized. DDay and NC since oct19, i am trying to remain positive and upbeat thru the end of the year. maybe the holidays will help her snap out of it? i don't know, for some people this can be a very depressing time. i hope to have a good time tho, at least for the kids sake.i always thought it was yhe WW that was supposed to feel like sh**. ijust want my old wife back so we can start rebuilding the M. i am sorry i am rambling, but this helps me alot. also thanks to all of you who are out there trying to help us all thru these difficult times. reading your posts' and realizing other people have survived this is very encouraging. sorry this is so long i just needed to talk.

arjdad,
They say it takes a while for the fog to lift
if you go to bob pure's thread his last one where is fww is talking about how she felt coming out of the fog it might be a help to you it is a wonderful post
Sorry for your pain but at least shes home, my wh is not so Im not at your stage yet, but hopeing
good luck

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by arjdad:
<strong> is it typical for the BS to start to feel like a doormat/lost puppy while the WW is still in w/drawal and the fog? it sure does get discouraging to realize i am the only one making an effort. i have been doing plan a, meeting her EN'S that she will let me, and trying my best to avoid LB'S, but sometimes i just think "what am i trying so hard for?" SHE is the one who cheated on ME. but i know i have to go thru this, if i want to make our M better then ever, which i do. alas, i do love this lady, more so then i ever realized. DDay and NC since oct19, i am trying to remain positive and upbeat thru the end of the year. maybe the holidays will help her snap out of it? i don't know, for some people this can be a very depressing time. i hope to have a good time tho, at least for the kids sake.i always thought it was yhe WW that was supposed to feel like sh**. ijust want my old wife back so we can start rebuilding the M. i am sorry i am rambling, but this helps me alot. also thanks to all of you who are out there trying to help us all thru these difficult times. reading your posts' and realizing other people have survived this is very encouraging. sorry this is so long i just needed to talk. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think your feelings are very "normal" and expected. YOU will need to be the only one trying to save the marriage if this is the course you choose to take (i.e. saving your marriage while still being betrayed). You CAN And WILL get through this. I don't know if your marriage will survive (I hope it does), but I do believe you can get through this personally. Your self worth and dignity and happiness should NOT be tied to your marriage. Just try to remember that.

confused04, thanks for the tip, bob post was very encouragig. i know we all hope to get there someday. i know it takes a while for the fog to lift ,it just seems like hours=weeks here. i am sure you can relate. sorry to hear of your sitch, but keep your head up and keep trying.i say a prayer daily for you and me and everyone on this site that is truly trying to save thier M. thank you all arjdad

I'm puzzled by what lemonman wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> YOU will need to be the only one trying to save the marriage if this is the course you choose to take </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Each partner has a responsibility to do his/her part to rebuild the marriage. It won't work with just one person doing it. I'm not quite sure what lemonman meant by that.

In any event, I can respond from FWW perspective (and hopefully without getting creamed). Like Confused4 said, it takes a while for the fog to lift and withdrawal to be complete. Typically the longer the A, the longer the WD takes. I can understand it's no fun for the BS, but it's no fun for the WS either - I can attest to that. Keep in mind your WS is coming out of an addiction (to the OP) and that doesn't happen overnight. There are no easy answers. Hopefully you're in MC and, if needed, IC.

FWIW, I've been NC about the same period of time as your W and the WD symptoms have not gone away yet. I still don't sleep well and I'm still not feeling hunky dory, nor do I expect to for a while.

Jst keep in mind that it's both your responsibilities to rebuild. There were factors on both sides that left the M vulnerable to infidelity, though your W does have to take responsibility for the A itself.

Chin up, and give it time and effort.

Oh how I just love seeing the obligatory, though the affair is the resonsibility of the ws.

Let's face it, do the two really tie together, the failings in the marriage, and then the actual affair itself? Hell no. I say the failings may make the spouse feel certain things, but gosh, tieing the two together, especially so flippantly, man, just pissed me off this morning. To sit there and state it in that fashion is self justifying the affair. As long as you tie that attitude to recovery, I suspect your BS may carry with him a weight that is not rightly his.

As for being a doormat, well, yep, you will be for a bit. And, don't really expect for your fww to do anything spectacular for you...just ride it out. She is there, and that was your initial goal, right? Set a new goal, give yourself a new time frame...and make yourself a ton of to do lists for around the house. Start those little projects that you can get done in 4-6 hours...they do tons to build your own self-worth right now, while your wife is making you feel (is she making your feelings? if so, then think about that, you choose to love her regardless of what she is doing?, then your feelings can become independant of her actions...)

I went through the same stuff last year, my wife came home on Dec. 6, and really claims she doesn't even remember last years festivities...she was in such a daze. I would expect something similair for you, just take the point, and make the activities for your family, schedule the fun, don't wait for it to happen. Show her you have the ability to lead the house whether or not she is around, and thus, she will be subconciously choosing to be a part of your life.

Remember, you can't force her home, she made a choice, no matter what she says her reason was, she chooses to live there, with you. She has the keys and could lock the door on her way out, but isn't, so right now, she is choosing you, try to find some solace in that.

Guiltybuthopeful, thanks for your reply, [and no "creaming" here]. it is good for me to hear the perspective of a FWW, thanks for sharing. i don't know how your A ended, but i caught my wife and there has been NC since then. she says she is willing to try, but she doesn't say she "wants" to yet. can you relate? we are in MC, have been for a year.the A lasted about 15 months, so i guess it could be a long road ahead. but thanks to people like you, i think i can make it. also, iare your W/drawal symptoms getting better? somedays she seems better then others. any more insight from your side is greatly appreceated! thanks all for the help arjdad

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GuiltyButHopeful:
<strong> I'm puzzled by what lemonman wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> YOU will need to be the only one trying to save the marriage if this is the course you choose to take </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Each partner has a responsibility to do his/her part to rebuild the marriage. It won't work with just one person doing it. I'm not quite sure what lemonman meant by that.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, what I meant to say is that while his wife is in the"fog" and still withdrawing, he will have to be the only one to save the marriage RIGHT NOW. This is actually a pretty common and accepted concept around here.

ajrdad... I think the WD symptoms seem to be dereasing by the smallest of increments. By this I mean that I might not notice any difference from one day to the next, but maybe a small difference from one week to the next. I really ought to be journaling all this so I can better keep track of it. Even though my thoughts of the OM are not as positive as they once were, I still catch myself thinking good thoughts about him. WOrking on distraction techniques!

arjdad,

Do you want t/b married to your W, xws or ws? If she is in NC and it is being honored correctly, then you are probably dealing with an xws who c/b in withdrawal. She s/b in counseling with a good MC/IC or better yet, w/Jennifer from MB (phone counseling is great).

As for the semantics of her words vs what you want to hear, please read: His Needs/Her Needs it will help you see how to communicate with your W. Don't get stuck on how YOU want to be informed. Concentrate on the words and associated actions for both of you.

This may seem illogical right now but you are dealing with a very illogical issue. Conventional methods won't work, not in the fog. Learn from the info and tools available here. Implement what you can.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Have lots of patience and realize you can only change and protect you and your family. The WS is not a family member and should not be treated to the benefits as a family member while acting as a WS.

JMHO,
L.

orchid, thanks for your reply. and yes, i do want to be married to my wife. i know that we had problems before the A, but i hope and pray that we can learn from past mistakes.i am reading his needs hew needs right now, and we have been going ti MC.can phone counseling really help after only 7 weeks of dday and NC? also, i do pray daily, that is some awesome advice! and right now she is not acting like a WS in that she has had NC. thanks for your help, and pray for us.

guiltybuthopeful, if you don't mind my asking, did you get caught or break off the A on your own? also ,how long did it last? sorry if i seem nosey, just trying to muddle thru. thanks again, arjdad

To answer your question, yes phone counseling will help. You start by yourself if needed. Invite her but don't let that stop you from using the phone counseling option.

One thing the WS' are by trait is curious. They suspect everything a BS does. Even taking out the garbage. LOL!!! A smart BS will use those shortcomings fo their WS to their advantage.

If she is in NC, then as an Xws you need t/b aware she may have withdrawals. Don't expect everyday to be progress forward. 3 steps forward could also end up with 2 steps backward, etc.

Once you realize these points you can better prepare yourself.

take care,
L.

orchid, so in your opinion, is jennifer at MB who i should talk to? i never tried phone counseling before, but i am willing to try anything to help restore my M. never thought i would feel this way if my wife had an A, thought i would kick her to the curb. and who would blame me? but, i guess you don't know how you would respond until it happens to you. i love her so much, it is killing me trying to get her back. thanks for listening arjdad

Yes. I whole heartedly recommend it. Now the rest of the work is up to you and Jennifer. It certainly can't hurt. You will be the 1st one to benefit at the very least. More than you have now right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

arjdad... Got caught, but looking back, the writing was kind of on the wall that the A wouldn't last. It only went on for a few months. OM was from another part of the country, so we seldom saw each other in person and most of contact was online or cell phone. It actually took a couple tries at NC before we (I) actually achieved it. At the time of the NC that "stuck" (in Oct.) he was starting to date someone locally and they were getting kind of serious. He was moving forward and I had to put more effort into my M. And no, I'm not "settling" for the M; I really want it to work, but things need to improve.

I have good days and bad days, this past week has been difficult. I've often felt that my H didn't value my feelings, and that was reinforced this week when I calmly expressed my feelings about a couple of things that I've been troubled with for years (way pre-A) and he responded an angry outbursts.