I'm tired. I keep plugging away at Plan A and nothing seems to be getting better. My WS has been having an affair for over a year. I found out about it last Christmas and then he said it was over. Nothing at home got better, in fact he moved into an apartment. Then in July, I found out he was still seeing her. He said again it was over. Nothing got any better. Then I called her late one night and he answered. I set an appointment with an attorney to file. Then he said, I understand how you feel and understand if that is what you need to do. It sounded to me that I was giving him the out he wanted but didn't have the nerve to talk about. So, I canceled the appointment and made a real push with Plan A.

Today, he said that he is just screwed up. He doesn't know what he wants. He's so overwhelmed with work, he can't see straight. He can't commit to me. Won't tell me what is going on with OW. He had a tough childhood and is now having uncommon success with his business. Since I told him I was going to file, he opened up a checking account in just his name. Then he gave me money to do the same. He also changed the address to a PO for just his credit card bill.

What is his deal? Why can't he talk to me? We've been married for 14 years and dated 4 years prior to that. We have two kids ages 10 and 6. I am more than willing to work but even Plan A doesn't seem to be helping. Why can't he tell me he's leaving? Why can't he commit to either me or her?

When we talked this afternoon, I cried because I just don't understand. He said that he is very tired of hurting me but then just shuts up. He won't spend anytime with me without the kids and limited time with them. He seems very unhappy, he is always grumpy and short.

Please give me advise, I just don't know what to do next. I am so sad and tired this is the last place I ever wanted to be. Two of our mutual friends have been going through the same type of thing and both relationships ended when the wife filed only then to have the husband blame the wife for the whole thing.

Help!

Alesa

A,

First of all <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and welcome.

I'm sorry that you are having such a rotten time and for so long.

This is the best I can offer. Stop worrying about blame. At this point..who cares..I'd say that your H gets 100% but how much does my opinion count? Not at all. His and his OW and his friends and your friends? Not at all. The only person you have to face in the mirror every morning is you. So..what do you need to do?

Have you done a plan A? Do you feel it was your best effort? OK. Then time for plans B and D. Might this really be the end? Yes, it might..but your hands are clean, and you really can not control the universe..if he wants out you can not definitively change this. He may in the future wish to reconcile..and at that time you can consider or disregard as you wish..but I think it's time to protect yourself..you sound like you're spread too thin. This has been going on too long, and..effectively, he has left you.

I'm so sorry,

Noodle

Alesa,

What type of MC work do you have in place? If not, consider calling Steve H @ MB for some emergency phone counseling. You have to set a plan, a solid plan to save yourself and your family.

Right now you are waiting for your H to dictate your path. If he is screwed up, he will do the same to you and your family and that is not fair.

If you love your H and hate the WS he has become then deal with it as if you are working with 2 different people. You plan A your H but not the WS. Work with Steve, he will help you.

Get your finances in order and reassure your love to your children. I had to do this for over 3 years with my Ws (now H). It was a long and hard road. My son was my rock and great supporter. He wrote a simple yet profound letter to his dad when he was 5 years old. That letter cut through the fog but even then was not enough to stop the A. After that I learned that if I didn't work on me, our family was not going to survive. I had to cut the losses with the WS and search for my H. I even asked the WS to go find my H. He did. After many many months my H came home. The WS no longer is in our lives and neither is that crazy OW.

L.

Today, he said that he is just screwed up. He doesn't know what he wants. He's so overwhelmed with work, he can't see straight. He can't commit to me. Won't tell me what is going on with OW.

Your Plan A is no longer working to your advantage.

Time to Plan B.

Your H needs a crisis to knock him off the fence.

Create a crisis for him.

Plan B ... get a letter ready and show us a copy so we can critique the letter.

He had a tough childhood and is now having uncommon success with his business.

So what? No excuse to treat you with disrespect.

Since I told him I was going to file, he opened up a checking account in just his name. Then he gave me money to do the same. He also changed the address to a PO for just his credit card bill.

Plan B ... create a crisis so he feels he is going to lose you.

"Telling him" anything (like you are going to file) is not going to work...you need to take action. ACTION!

What is his deal?

He has a wife and a girlfriend. He's just fine thank you very much.

Why can't he talk to me?

He WILL NOT be honest with you ... so save your breath. Talking time is done. Action time has arrived. Time for some tough love.

I am more than willing to work but even Plan A doesn't seem to be helping.

It has not ended the affair. So time for Plan B.

Why can't he tell me he's leaving? Why can't he commit to either me or her?

Because he doesn't NEED TO. Both you and OW have allowed him to drink from 2 fountains. He is not motivated to change because he is comfortable. Create a crisis that causes him discomfort.

When we talked this afternoon, I cried because I just don't understand. He said that he is very tired of hurting me but then just shuts up.

Time for tears is OVER !!! Time for creating a crisis is here !

He won't spend anytime with me without the kids and limited time with them. He seems very unhappy, he is always grumpy and short.

Time to separate yourself from his moods.

Have you read up on Plan A? It includes exposing the affair to everyone who matters. Have you done that yet?

Pep

Pep,

Excellent post. You put things into a very clear perspective. Even a blind foggy Ws ..... maybe not a ws but an xws or a very hurt BS could see it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just luv it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Alesa, you may not realize the impact of Pep's post but take it from someone who has been here a loooong time.....her post s/b read by all newbies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So best to take heed.

All the best,
L.

Hi Alesa,

After reading your post I have to agree that Plan A is SO done.Time to do a Plan B.Your WH hasn't made any changes in good part because he had both women still in his life doing for him.Enough of that.Time to take yourself out of the equation.

We can help you with a PBL.

O