My WW and spent more than 4 hours on the phone last night, and I was very careful about not using any LB's. But she was just so cold. She said that for more than a year she has been praying for a way out of the marriage. She says that she has absolutely no love left for me, and she and I should move on seperately. She flat out rejects any talk of seeing a counselor - she asks waht will they do for her - she knows what she has to do already.

I have been trying to use plan A with her, but if she is so set on D, shouldn't I go righht ahead with Plan B?

She has only had an EA, but wants to D as fast as possible so it can progress to a PA (with a married man).

I see no hope in this, I have talked with her about filling her needs, and 15 hour of undivided attention, etc. She admits that the first few years of rebuilding would be great, but she thinks that time will find me slipping back into my old behavior patterns. She is not willing to take the chance of being hurt again.

I feel so lost, so helpless...it is like someone is taking a hacksaw and cutting a huge chunk of my body away. I truly thought that this woman was my soulmate.

I start thinking crazy things like maybe I should confront the OM and physically settle things. But I know that would just push my WW away.

Should I go ahead and break all contact and let her have a taste of what D will be like? Should I start to protect myself financially by opening up my own bank acct, cancelling her name on my credit cards, and making sure my name is not on hers?

I just don't think she will ever want me back. I can't see through the grey clouds....


TM

I'm not one of the vets here, but I am going through the same thing. My ww has said the exact same things but she added ( I hope you die ) into the mix. As of today she is on Day 15 of NC, you have to look at her when she talks like that and just smile and agree with her but do not act on anything she say's.

The clouds may seem grey right now but every grey cloud has a silver linning, you just have to wait for the vlouds to part.

My ww has been really great the last couple days', she is starting to open up to me and your ww will too, just stay away from R talks it only helps fill there mind with crazy talk.

My ww is still talking about moving out in June and yet will come up to me making plans for vacations in Oct..hmmm ... your ww is just going through withdrawal. How long has she had Nc did she send the nc letter. I'm not familair with your sitch so you may want to let us know so we can better advise, How long have you been in Plan A?

She is not in NC with the OM. She wants to be with him, not me. She sees no future for us. She repeatedly says she wants a D.

I think I have to stop talking to her. It hurts me too much.

TM

TM,

The OM is married? The first thing you do, while your wife is mad at you anyway, is reveal the affair to OM's wife. Affairs are secret things. They do not do well in the light.

You should not proceed to Plan B until you have tried exposure and a solid Plan A. Read up on those plans first and keep posting.

I don't have much time or I'd post more. I am sure others will come along.

Hang in there.

~ Snow

Hi, have you exposed to OM's wife??? Expose, Expose, Expose! My WH said the same things 1yr ago and I followed these guidlines and we are recovering! I feel I have been to he$$ and back but last week WH told me thanks for being his wife!! Expose, Plan A your butt off, I didnt think it would work either, but I swear by it now!! WH noticed, it took a long time, but he finally noticed, then he became a cake eater and didnt know which way to go. Then when I knew I had plan A'd (which I did for too long actually) I plan B'd and he came home stating he missed ME! I let him go basically following the "love must be tough" guidlines, with love tho, helped him pack his things (was the hardest thing I've ever had to do) and told him I loved him, he left our home to find out if she was a fantasy or not, only to return knowing that he did not want to live without me!!

I agree that you should definitely expose to the OM's wife everything you know. I know you spoke with OM the other day...but you still need to pursue contacting OM's W. She deserves to know. It could help your situation too.

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 04:54 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

TravellinMan,
I can really relate to what you are saying. I found out in Sept that my W wants a seperation. After some digging I found out she had a PA. It appears that the OM has called it off out of guilt to his family. I am really amazed at the parallels as to what you heard for reasons and what I have been hearing. I am almost at the end of trying as well. I am going to make a decision in January. Even though the A appears to be over, the WS still wants to move out. She keeps saying that there is no more love for me, etc. etc. I am convinced that emotional needs were not met from me and I do share in the responsibility for that, but I cannot fathom someone just walking away from their H and two small children (4 and 6). She has never come out and said she wants a D, but I think she has mentioned this to others. So far she wants nothing to do with counseling. I don't know what else to offer except that you are not alone in this thing. Take care, hang in there and remember to protect yourself first.

Expose, plan A. Plan A as much as you can. She needs to be won back. Plan B woundn't help as much because she is in the fog and re-writing history. This is classic. Expose this to the OM wife. I do not believe it was only an EA. They will get together and lie about this-their stories will match-watch out. Please tell his wife.

I have tried to get in contact with his wife, but it is not listed. I don't know how to go about it.


TM

I exposed my ww and I did it at a time when she was mad at me anyway. And to be honest it did not take me long to get over it..LOL

Go into People Search, its amazing how much you can find out about people, numbers, addresses, etc.

Did you tell OM you were going to expose to EVERYONE??? Even HIS wife??? Dont hold back, expose to everyone!!! This is VERY important! Shout it to the roof tops!!!

Sabot,

DO NOT advise anyone to inform the OP that they are about to advise their spouse. It gives the OP time to inform their spouse abou just what a whacko so-and-so is: "Honey, can you believe it? THis nut job thinks I am having an affair with his wife! He is really crazy... his wife says he has always been jealous...."

Just do it. Don't talk about it ahead of time.

As for finding out his phone number.... well, try going to google and put in his name. Our OW came up in a news story, of all things, shocked the bejeebers out of me. Gave me lots of info (but I didn't need it, I was just playing around in Google).

Do you know where OM lives? You can always walk up and knock on the door and hand his wife a package of your evidence (with your phone number included).

~ Snow

Yeah, I tried to meet with her when I knew he wouldn't be home, but no luck. I went to their place that was unlisted (I had to pay $59.00 to a search company) and it turns out they moved out three weeks ago - I ran into a neighbor who told me so. Figures. Iam hoping that the new listing will soon be available, so I have every intention to expose the A to the wife. Even if my WW files for a D, I will expose it - the wife deserves to know.

Anybody else feel grossed out to their WS because they are capable of messing with a married person? I really thought my WW was above such things. If the OM was single, I could understand it more, but him being married is just too morally bankrupt an action for my WW......or so I thought.


TM

Sweetie - That's what we all thought.

Oh the relationship your wife is having is going to explode when his wife finds out. It is very important that you track her down. Good luck.