After plan A deadline, I talked over a month ago to WH about how I knew the A was still going. (It was discovered June 2004 after going on for one and a half year) I had a letter for plan B but instead talked to him! Big mistake! He agreed he would end the situation with OW and asked for a couple of weeks off our relationship. I gave the time to him but after week one he was back in the house. It was as if things were going to work out.

Not even a week after he I caught him lying to me about not seeing OW. WH claimed that she just wanted to talk. WH claims she may do something stupid if he just go to NC just like that. I was so upset and was ready to get him off the house but did not expected for him to cry and ask for another try. I told him that now I needed the week off.

When he got back to the house after my week off, I told him it was over because I was so tired of his lies. (He is a truck driver that drives over the road and rearly stays home, so it is hard to believe where and what is he doing, etc) He called OW and told her it was over. They cried. THen we talked so more and we cried.

I packed his stuff and told him to go with her and let her be the one who worries about him from now on. He did not go with her but proceeded to tell me the next day that she kept crying and begging for a chance to try together. He said that he wanted to give her a chance for a month without telling her it was for a month. Just to dump her at the end of that time and that way she could not say he did not tried.

Well, how I fell for that one, I have no idea. I became the OW this time. While he was with her he would stop from his trips and be with me and I saw him lie to her and found out all kinds of tricks he used to do with me when it was the other way around. It was an eye opener. The magnitude of his lies were incredible. The "deadline" for breaking up with her is tommorrow Dec 8. The first three weekends he looked for fights with her so he could stay here. The last one he did not. I bet he stayed there and enjoyed every minute of it as he was getting ready to let go.

Now I am waiting to see what happens "breakup day" to see where the heck I am standing in all this. I messed up the plan B. During this month I was getting the best of him: attention, affection, communication and truth.

How do I recover from this one? I have read His needs her needs, Surviving the affair and Love Busters. I feel stupid because I was doing so good in Plan A and all of the sudden I blew it and did not remember a single thing of what I have read. Just did my own thing and fell for his garbage again. What do I do now?

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 07:53 PM: Message edited by: love of a lifetime ]</small>

Please help! No one seems to give me advice with this one. I am completely loss and do not know how to recover from this mistake I made? Do I go back to Plan A. Do I write plan B letter and go for it? So confused. Please help!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by love of a lifetime:
He said that he wanted to give her a chance for a month without telling her it was for a month. Just to dump her at the end of that time and that way she could not say he did not tried. Well, how I fell for that one, I have no idea. I became the OW this time. While he was with her he would stop from his trips and be with me and I saw him lie to her and found out all kinds of tricks he used to do with me when it was the other way around. It was an eye opener. The magnitude of his lies were incredible. The "deadline" for breaking up with her is tommorrow Dec 8. The first three weekends he looked for fights with her so he could stay here. The last one he did not. I bet he stayed there and enjoyed every minute of it as he was getting ready to let go. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't imagine why you agreed to this "plan"... which is so disrespectful to your marriage vows.

You have, in essence, made an agreement to disrespect yourself, to encourage your husband to use then "dump" another woman, and share microbes all around.

I just don't know where to begin.

What do you want out of this?

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can't imagine why you agreed to this "plan". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did not agreed. It was something he wanted to do. In my mind I had kicked him out and he was going with her like I had it in plan B but all of the sudden I was getting his attention more that ever, more affection, etc. and I failed to NC with him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you want out of this?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally I wanted to fix my marriage. I was doing great on Plan A. It was when I tried to do plan B that everything failed starting with the not giving him the letter and talking to him instead. I let him brainwash me into what we are now and I do not know how to get myself out of this mess. I want things to work out but do not know where I am standing. It is not plan B for sure. Do I go back to plan A after this? How ? I know now more about his lies and I am afraid I will not be able to trust him again after this. He says he wants to work things out and I want him to prove it. I am so confused. Love him so much. Do not know how I got myself into this mess. I had everthing planned so good but it is all different when he talks to me.

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 08:29 PM: Message edited by: love of a lifetime ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by love of a lifetime:
<strong>
How do I recover from this one? I have read His needs her needs, Surviving the affair and Love Busters. I feel stupid because I was doing so good in Plan A and all of the sudden I blew it and did not remember a single thing of what I have read. Just did my own thing and fell for his garbage again. What do I do now? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh boy. I don't know what to say to you here. I think this is a very sad but frequent occurence with BS. To the others of the MB...."ENOUGH SAID" <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I want things to work out but do not know where I am standing....He says he wants to work things out and I want him to prove it.

Then you decide what YOU want from a M.
Do you want an H who lies?
Who runs back and forth between OW and you as suits his whim?
It doesn't sound like it.

You've been enabling his A and his cake-eating *big time*. I recommend at this point:

1. Do NOT take him back right now.
2. List the conditions under which you would be willing to take him back.

If he agrees to the conditions, continue plan A without letting him come back. If he balks, go to plan B.

Some suggested conditions:
NC ever with OW.
Access to cellphone records etc.
Marriage Counseling.
GPS in his car so you know where he goes.
Calling you every X hours while he's on the road.
You go with him on the road if you can take baby (does stepson live with you?) and can take time from work.

Are you sure you want to be M to him? He's a proven liar and he's rarely home. What are you getting from this M?

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 09:28 AM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>

Thanks to all that reply. I have been giving myself therapy to be ready to proceed (telling myself I deserve respect, I am worth it, I could do it with or without him etc) with the next step. I will have a conversation with him as soon as he gets home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You go with him on the road if you can take baby (does stepson live with you?) and can take time from work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When we go together I leave my parents babisitting the baby, stepson and dog in my home. I am a stay at home mom but it takes cordination to get that to happen.

I realize I have been hanging on because of the man I fell in love with years ago. He is still mostly than man (good provider for family, good father, son, humor, sweet, etc) except for the big change that I can not live with-he became a big liar. I am still in love with him and wish to save my marriage but he will have to follow lots of conditions. Thanks for the recommendations on that one.

I have to go now but will be back later to update.

all of the sudden I was getting his attention more that ever, more affection, etc. and I failed to NC with him.

Increased attention and affection from your adulterous husband is not really your ultimate goal, is it? ...

You eagerly accepted table scraps from your husband instead of holding out for the entire meal.

You've now shown your husband that you will accept less than a faithful husband in your life. This makes you look desperate and needy.

How are you going to show him you are no longer willing to settle for the scraps from his table?

Do you really want this WH who cheats his family to show you affection? That is really not a compliment, is it?

Show WH you don't accept a WH ... you are holding out for something much better ... a faithful husband who values your love. Unless that guy shows up ... you'd prefer not to have sex with a man who is having sex with someone else. Too risky.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Increased attention and affection from your adulterous husband is not really your ultimate goal, is it? ...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is how mostly everthing started going wrong. Those things were on the top of my list as EN. I was not getting those needs met to my satisfaction. I gained a lot of weight which mess his side of the deal because on top of his list together with Sex is appearance. Of course now my top need is honesty and communication but I DID messed up while trying to go on Plan B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You eagerly accepted table scraps from your husband instead of holding out for the entire meal.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did and for sure is not what I really want. Things are going to change.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You've now shown your husband that you will accept less than a faithful husband in your life. This makes you look desperate and needy.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was desperate and needy. It has been so hard for me to let go of the man I have known for over 15 years. Then during this last month I realized that man is gone. He is not the person I fell in love with but somehow was hanging here trying to kill the love I still had for him. I am calming down a bit now and seeing things from a different point of view. Mainly with all the feedback I got here at MB. It has helped a lot. He now knows this is his last chance. I am so calm about all this because if it does not work this time I will file for D ASAP. It has been on my mind lately a lot because I have lost all the energy I had to fix things up but it takes two and the other side was not imputing much. Of course, I see this now.

I will go back to plan A with the bit of energy I have left. He is not back in the house yet but I know he told OW that is was over. I have been spying on that really close so he is just not telling that to me. It is happening. We will see how much effort he puts in this time (last time). Right now he is in major withdrawl and giving me some LB that I am praying I have the patience needed to work on this this time around. I am not willing to take much garbage from him this time. I will deal with SOME LB form him due to his fog and withdrawl but for sure this time I will have Zero tolerance if he breaks the NC rule.

Thanks to all for your comments.

The purpose of Plan A is to become the very best YOU possible. A desirable YOU that the WS will miss. ... and if the A does not end with a few weeks (6-12 weeks NOT 6 months) then move to plan B so the WS can experience life without the new wonderful YOU.

I think you are making a mistake going into Plan A more than 6 months after D-day. I think you will experience a false recovery and your love for your husband will be dead.

You should not allow your WH back into the home until he is WORKING at a plan to become a better person first.

See... your H's recovery means he recovers his integrity ... not just that he give up the OW.

Call the Harleys for advice. You're pretty lost yourself.

Good luck.

Pep

Love,

I'm getting ready to start Plan B myself, for the sole reason that I don't start hating the WW that my W has become. I don't want to lose the little love that I have left for her. I think Pep's advice is really good, you should probably be sticking to a good Plan B right know until you H is truly committed. Of course I'm new and hope I can also do a good plan B myself.

Pep, in Love's sitch, would you suggest that her H be totally committed to working on the M, also that he is somewhat over his withdrawls before he is excepted back into the home. Or should Love take him back even though he still has withdrawls?

Hang in there Love!!
Native