Sunday - Gave wife letter stating that I cannot have contact with her, while she is acting this way (seeing someone else). We are separated (for 3 weeks now), but I also told her in the letter I love her, and when she is ready to talk then my door will always be open.

Monday - Text messaged her, stating that I wish to speak to my son (3 yo). Son rang back, and spoke to him. No contact with W.

Tuesday - No contact.

Wednesday - Text messaged W, regarding seeing my son. Messages back and forth, soon dulged into our anniversary gifts (as we are paying them off). I told her there is no point in getting them, if we are not celebrating our anniversary. They mean something to me. She replied back saying that she is not going to continue to pay for my gift when we are not together. I replied back saying that she should think about us, and realise things would be better and different should she decide to give us another chance. She then replied back again, saying that we are over and that she doesnt love me anymore and that she likes her gift but she is not going to lie to get it.

Help!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Confused5:
<strong> Sunday - Gave wife letter stating that I cannot have contact with her, while she is acting this way (seeing someone else). We are separated (for 3 weeks now), but I also told her in the letter I love her, and when she is ready to talk then my door will always be open.

Monday - Text messaged her, stating that I wish to speak to my son (3 yo). Son rang back, and spoke to him. No contact with W.

Tuesday - No contact.

Wednesday - Text messaged W, regarding seeing my son. Messages back and forth, soon dulged into our anniversary gifts (as we are paying them off). I told her there is no point in getting them, if we are not celebrating our anniversary. They mean something to me. She replied back saying that she is not going to continue to pay for my gift when we are not together. I replied back saying that she should think about us, and realise things would be better and different should she decide to give us another chance. She then replied back again, saying that we are over and that she doesnt love me anymore and that she likes her gift but she is not going to lie to get it.

Help!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU are NOT in PLan B !!!!!!!!! Go back to "start" and CEASE all contact with her EXCEPT re: your son. DO NOT use contacting him (son) as an excuse to talk to her about the relationship. UNtill you do this, you will continue as above. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have been doing that, for the last week or so, the only time that I have spoken to W is to talk to my son, or about financial matters, nothing relationship wise until today. Even that was provoked by her, by asking what is happening with our gifts. Before that I was only contacting her re: seeing my son.

Is it common not to get any real answer out of your separated W. I have (and still try) NC, but it seems that she really doesnt care if we talk or not. Or she just ignores it. Is that common, what is the thinking behind it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Confused5:
<strong> I have been doing that, for the last week or so, the only time that I have spoken to W is to talk to my son, or about financial matters, nothing relationship wise until today. Even that was provoked by her, by asking what is happening with our gifts. Before that I was only contacting her re: seeing my son.

Is it common not to get any real answer out of your separated W. I have (and still try) NC, but it seems that she really doesnt care if we talk or not. Or she just ignores it. Is that common, what is the thinking behind it? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AS a disclaimer, I want you to know I never did PLan B----->but it is one of the pope's (Harley) concepts that I whole heartedly agree with. It is common to get nothing from your WW. Remember Plan B is NOT about HER AT ALL. It is about you and "preserving" your love for her. You cannot/should not expect anything from her right now. Others are more qualified than me to guide you here. Goodluck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hello Confused and welcome to Marriage Builders!

Please take a deep breathe!

I just read one of your previous posts - You were wondering if your WW was seeing someone else. You said she thought you were controlling and didn't want to answer to you as to what she's doing. Sounds to me like she's immature to be a mother and a wife. And she doesn't want you to "know" about what she's doing b/c maybe she's not doing right by you JMHO.

I think you should either Plan A or Plan B - but do it right. Plan A - show her you love and want your marriage to work by making deposits in her "love bank" (read the concepts of the Love Bank). Or Plan B - "go dark", as they say - you wrote your letter and you have to stick by it. You also have to work on yourself in this period of "darkness". If you told her NC - stick to it. Only contact her in regards to your son (maybe do that through a moderator - maybe her parents or a close friend).

Hang in there and keep posting - there are so many great people on the site that have "been there" and will try and help you through this.

Brown

Thanks Brown, there is just so much going on right now I dont know where to start (or end). I have tried everything I can think of up to this point, I realise that it is her decision to be separated, and I firmly believe that it is not completely my fault. She is young and I think that has a big part in all this, but then again she is getting the attention she needs from this male 'friend' of hers (whom she has starting talking to a massive amount for the last 2 months - even more now that she is living elsewhere). I can't really depend on anyone else to show her what she is doing, and she is really only in contact with a handful of people (including this OM).

The thing that confuses me the most, is that she simply ignores me. She has always been stubborn and is very quick to rule people out of her lives, should she decide she doesnt want to see them anymore. We have broken up before (roughly 3 years ago), and I did manage to get her back, just by keeping my distance and giving her the impression I was moving on ... I dont think that will work this time.

If it was just her and I, things may be different (maybe a little easier), but we have a young son involved, and I am not going to neglect him because of us. She has even taken it to the extreme, of stopping me from seeing my son when I like, dictating to me when I can and cant see and talk to him.

Is there anyway whatsoever, that I can show her what she is doing, and how much I am willing to work on us. She says she doesnt love me, and that it is over, but I have indicated to her constantly that I still love her, would like to work on our marriage, and have come to realised how we/i can make it work.

Is there no hope?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is there no hope? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Doesn't that depend on what you're hoping for? If you're hoping that she's just gonna "wake up" - that may be out of your control. You still love her and she knows that - do you hope that matters to her right now? It may not matter to her right now, sadly. This what they call "the fog". If she is involved with an OM - she may not be thinking about your M/R at all. So maybe stick to that Plan B.

As far as your son goes - see him as much as you can, keep bonding with him. He's only 3YO - he needs as much security that you are there for him, as you can possiblly give him under the circumstances.

I'll be watching the boards for ya. And I'll be "hoping" too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am hoping for a lot of things. If she turned around to me right now, and said she was sorry, I would be cautious about it, and would not jump straight back into the relationship, as her actions have really opened my eyes to the type of person she has now become (she has become quite the different person over these last 6 months, coincidently ever since she reconciled with her parents ...). I would be prepared to work on it, but it would take a lot, and it only seems like me who is willing to work on it, and I am not sure if 1 person alone can mend it.

I am under no illusion, that she is completely preoccupied with this OM. She is sacrificing our son also in doing it (as she is out after he goes to bed, until the early hours of the morning). Whether her parents know what is going on, I am unsure, I was going to call them to see if they knew anything, but I believe that might be the wrong way to go.

It is more frustrating than anything, as I simply cannot get through to her, or get any kind of honest and deep answer to why she is doing this (other than her saying that it is over, and that she doesnt love me anymore). Should I just come right out and ask if she is seeing this OM? Will that do anything?

Yes, she knows I love her. I also received no reply back from her today regarding my text message about what she wants me to do, is she still confused and to at least give us a chance, so she can see what I have realised. Our 'conversation' ended with that message...

OK, U just this minute got a reply to my earlier message to my W.

It says: 'its over, we cant go back. it has to be this way, sorry'

WTF does that mean? Can I reply to that with anything that will make her feel differently? Should I ask her if she is seeing someone else? or should I just ignore it?

Arrggghh! This sucks!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Confused5:
<strong> OK, U just this minute got a reply to my earlier message to my W.

It says: 'its over, we cant go back. it has to be this way, sorry'

WTF does that mean? Can I reply to that with anything that will make her feel differently? Should I ask her if she is seeing someone else? or should I just ignore it?

Arrggghh! This sucks! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DO NOT REPLY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. YOU must take back this "power" your wife has over you. Doing Plan B is the ONLY way to do that now.

Confused - I agree w/ Lemonman - Plan B!!!!!!!!

I'll look you up tomorrow!

Brown - thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I posted another thread here with a 'should i respond' type discussion. I have already sent the letter to her regarding non contact with her, did it work? I dont know, she has not even acknowledged that she got it. However, I did put in the letter, my need for contact with my son, and that we can talk via email or messaging for our issues (which is what I have stuck to). This latest news stemmed for the fact that I messaged her, telling her when I am seeing my son.