My W, knows I love her. I also received no reply back from her today regarding my text message about what she wants me to do, is she still confused and to at least give us a chance, so she can see what I have realised. Our 'conversation' ended with that message...

-------------------------------

OK, I just this minute got a reply to my earlier message to my W.

It says: 'its over, we cant go back. it has to be this way, sorry'

WTF does that mean? Can I reply to that with anything that will make her feel differently? Should I ask her if she is seeing someone else? or should I just ignore it?

Arrggghh! This sucks!

Confused, Let me paste in this txt message from my Squid from four months ago :

"well done U pr1ck. U have killed UR last chance with me. Am leaving U for OM. F**k you".

And others as bad or worse.

She is , right now, curled up warm in our bed waiting for me to go back to cuddle her sleepy, loving self.

People involved in affairs say all sorts of hurtful things.

If you think she's seeing someoene else, she probably is.

Stay calm, study hard and pray. You CAN do this.

But she has yet to tell me she is seeing someone else. I have a gut feeling (and her phone records) that she is. And that is the hardest part of trying to get a grip on ... is she seeing someone else or not. Even if I did ask her, I know she will say no ....

Should I NOT reply to her then? I have to see her soon (in about 4 hours), because I am picking my son up for a couple of hours ...

Consused I am not a r counsellor. I only ever give examples form my owne experience, other wiser 'lifers' on here can help more directly.

All i know is that from your posts your WS is behaving like she is having an affair. And when a BS thinks theres something going on there usually is.
if I were you I would start a rigorous plan A right now.

If you were to respond at all I would say " I am sorry that you feel that way. I feel there is hope for our M and I choose to continue to work on it".

Do not panic. Panic brings only pain and wrong actions.

Breathe deeply and study affairs ( this site, surviving an affair to start) and start plan A.

All blessings.

Confused,

Chill out. This is normal as BP said. It is part of the fog, and dollars to donuts she is having at least an EA. REAd the articles here and read about the plans, NEEDS, LB's and STOP the LB's cold. If you do nothing else stop the LB's OK?

Then calm down and realize that you do have time and that you cannot CHANGE your W. You can only change her perceptions of you, and that means being cool, kind, incontrol, and compassionate toward her for the woman is "sick". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This stuff takes time and patience. It is like fishing, you need the right bait (the needs questionaire helps here), you need to be in the right place (yes, in contact with her as much as possible), and you need to have the time and patience to use these things properly.

Oh you will love this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The nicer you are, the more understanding you are, the more open you are, the worse she will act. She will say awful things because you are NOT helping with an excuse to have the A and/or leave. You are NOT BEHAVING right when you are nice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> It just drives them nuts as BP can attest.

So my man, chill. Select the correct bait, the correct rod and line, find the right place to sit a spell and do some serious fishing for your W. She is in the murky deep somewhere, it takes time and patience to find her.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL ... i have been trying to be understanding of her, which means not contacting her everyday, and not going into too much relationship talk. I think I might take up Bob's advice, and just send her a short message back saying I choose to work on it ... I figure it is probably best to say something than ignore it (as then I will be no better than here). Is that a plan?

The main problem is that she is already living at her parents house, so we are separated. She has told me I cannot come into their house, I have respected her decision and I do not.

I am really battling over whether to reply to her or not. I havent heard anything from her since that message back, part of me really wants to reply, and another part of me thinks - what good will it do?

Confused,

There is a Peter Sellers movie the name of which I cannot recall. He is thought to be a genius because he says little and what he says makes no sense.

I would recommend as part of your "plan" you should consider saying little, smiling when you can, and acknowledging what she says without saying much to her from your point of view. This is all about her, not about you at all. So pay attention to her, listen to her, validate her, and leave yourself out of this for awhile.

If you do this you will avoid LB's. It will be a departure from previous behavior which will drive her nuts and make her curious, and if you smile from time to she will really wonder what is happening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> The point is to NOT LB, and show her that you are not only patient but you are in control of yourself, and fewer words and only words of acknowledgement will fill this bill.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

OK, so she just sent me another message, saying that when I get my son today, to bring the next installment of Child Support (which has only started). Now, I can pay this monthly if I choose, so I am not required to give it to her weekly. Should I reply back with anything, maybe just a simple 'no, i will be paying it monthly'? I also, have not replied to her other message about us as yet.

C5

You are panicking over every challenge.

You need instead to have a framework and an objectve.

MB plan A gives you a context and a template for behaving when you get each new challenge. It also is proven to help stop affairs and progress the personal recovery of the BS.

There is NO HARM in doing Plan A now, and every benefit in so doing.

Read up on lovebusters so you can avoid them, read up on emotional needs so you can begin to meet them ( as best you can while your WW is living away) and look after yourself.

In one month you will feel better than you can even imagine feeling sagain right now honestly.

But all that goodness starts with you STOPPING reeling and applying Plan A.

JL is hyper smart and experienced, and helped bale me out of a sitch as nasty as sitches get a few months ago. Take heed.

Damn straight I am panicking. I dont show this to W though. I picked up my son from her parents today, and she went on about when she can come back to the house to get her things, I didnt really reply but I did say I was quite busy this weekend, and would let her know. Xmas was also bought up, and she asked if I could bring our sons presents back with me so we could put them under the tree. I asked her if she would consider spending the night at our house on xmas eve for our son. She said no, and I replied with it would be good for our son. She said it is her weekend with him on xmas, but she is allowing me to come over in the afternoon to get him ... like I dont get to see him on xmas morning or opening his presents!

I just dont know where to stand formulating a plan. I have read through the MB website (many times!).

I am scared about my W coming home and getting her things, because I think once gotten she won't return ... ever.

I also didnt end up replying to either of her TXT messages. So, with everyones experience here, what is the best course of action. Keep going with PLAN A, and maybe send her flowers with a simple note attached? I see my son again in a few days, but what in the meantime?

Sorry to be a nuisance!

You are not a nuisance. You are a hurt and confused H whose family has been jerked from him by a jerk (jerkette). For reasons yet unexplained.

Ok, that being the case do the following:

1. Get a good MC/IC and call Jennfer @ MB for somer serious phone counseling so you can get a good plan in the works.

2. Read the concepts section above and fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire once for you and the 2nd one with you as you think she will answer it.

3. Read Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs (both by Dr. W. Harley) and Love must be tough by Dr. James Dobson). Read them.

4. Identify YOUR boundaries. Implement them. This is will a while.

5. Setup your immediate support group. Children, relatives, neighbors, co-workers, MC/IC, MB board, doctor, lawyer (yep get a good lawyer and check out your financial obligations and options), minister, etc. Ask they respect your decisions and give them SOME info as needed.

What do her parents know? Are they knowingly supporting the A? How old are your children? If in school/daycare....do they know?

Since the A is not established with solid proof, can you do a search on the info you have and hire a p/i to get proof?

Who have you spoken to about this?

BTW, don't send a WS flowers. Send them to your W. If she is treating you bad, keep contact cordial but not overdone. You haven't done anything to make her suspect you of having an A or anything like that right? Then don't reward her hurtful actions by sending her flowers.

L.

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 03:45 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

C5 you ar enot a nuisance. You are being hit with the worst trauma most adults ever deal with.
Just know that you WILL recover from this but you must not follow your instinct.

Your instinct may not help you recover.

Read up on WorthATry's WONDERFUL quickstart thread for new Betrayed Spouses.

Click Here

You can do this.

Thanks PB, very useful. My question is this then ... I have no solid evidence of my W having an affair (apart from mass amounts of contact - both TXT messages and phone call), I DO however, know most things about him - he has recently split up from his GF, he knows she is married (and has made fun of her because of this), he knows of me but doesnt know me and he knows we have a young son.

Given that I know his address, phone, work place etc, should I TXT him and ask him if anything is happening? I have no doubt in my mind that he would immediately tell my W I contacted him, and **** would hit the fan. BUT, is it in my best interests to do so ... open for opinion. Also, how would I phrase the TXT if I was to send it to him? She has told him many lies about me (how controlling I am etc etc), and I know she has done that.

You have proof. What you don't have is a confession. Please consider the suggestions in my prior post. Bob is also giving you good support. Maybe hiring a P/I will provide more solid proof you can move forward with.

Right now you have to realize you can't control the actions of a WS. It will continue t/b damaging to you and your family. That is why it is critical to get a support group for you.

Work on you.

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do her parents know? Are they knowingly supporting the A? How old are your children? If in school/daycare....do they know?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After it happened her parents were trying to find out where she is coming from. They where in my corner basically, but in the weeks following, I have no idea as I have not spoken to them. Her mother believes she is having an affair, and they know the person in question (whom I also suspect, and whom is a close family friend of theirs). My son is nearly 3. His daycare does know, my W rang them and told them she is taking him out altogether, after finding out I rang them and said I still want to continue to pay to leave his spot open.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since the A is not established you have and hire a p/i to get proof?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will hire a PI, they are scheduled to follow her next Friday night (when I have my son)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who have you spoken to about this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have spoken to quite a few people about this - my friends, mutual friends, close work collegues, a counsellor etc. My W has also cut her sister off, simply because she is also in my corner, and does not understand why my W would do this.

Good, now get with a good MC or better yet, do phone counseling with Jennifer or Cerri @ MB so she can give you a plan. It is vital you have a plan of action (plan A, then plan B) and implement as needed. They will coach you on how to act and react to what is thrown your way.

Take a look at the fog babble, she took your child out of daycare and put him where? Then wants you to pay for hold his spot for what? At this point, she doesn't care if she runs you broke. Another sick sign of the A.

Keep in contact with your inlaws but ask that they not jeporadize their R with their daughter. They can be you inside link to keeping tabs on her.

Is she leaving your son with others and being an unfit mom? Who is she using to enable the A? Did your child meet the OM?

L.

She basically quit her job and wants to be a 'full-time mother'. I said it is good for him to remain in daycare as that is where he has his friends, and he learns a lot. She said no, why would I want to put him in daycare, what the hell am I going to do with my day?

I dont know how to keep in contact with them. Yes I could call them at their work, but again it would immediately get back to my W - should I do that? It would give her even more of a reason to say I need to keep tabs on her always, and that I am controlling.

She goes out at night sometimes (with the OM), and leaves him at her parents (which he hardly knows, my W and her parents had a major fallout and they have not spoken to each other for 3 years... until 6 months ago).

Yes, my son has met the OM. How many times, I do not know. She took him around there one time, even before we separated. She later told me that.

Let her know that she needs to get a job since her separation will incur more expenses on her end. File paperwork so that you only pay for what you must but not enough to enable the A.

As for keeping the spot open, I'd stop it. That is her jeporady. She seems to be willing to make everyone enable the A, even her child. This is sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />


L.

Ok C, I have to get some shut eye. It is almost 1am here. The MBers on the east coast will be up soon and the European & even the down under Mbers are up and posting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You ok?

L.

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 05:00 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>