Confused,

Your story is sad and you are so insecure and 'confused'.. As a FWW I'm not sure I could deal with my husband acting this way. I think you need to find a way to show your WW you are handling life and you wont die without her if that is what happens. Isnt it time to stop asking for advice about every phase of your situation? Maybe take a look at yourself and how needy you appear to the WW?.. I'm sorry but it struck me that you appear to cater to her..you give her gifts when she is involved with the OM, you ask her questions you already know the answer to. I dont think her pity is what will save your marriage. Look within yourself for the strength to move forward with your own life.. it doesnt mean giving up on the marriage but it does mean..you matter too! Your life matters.

I am maintaing NC and working hard on my marriage after a 1 year EA.. My husband has never left so I cant see things from your side, but I know you feel lost but dont you think she will respond more to your show of strength rather than your weakness?

just a few thoughts..I wish you luck,
Lmh