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And in reference to the follows, should i TXT her and just say 'your welcome by the way'?
Also, we are about to enter a court battle, in terms of residence for our son. I am finalising the paperwork tomorrow. She knows it is coming, just doesnt know when. How will that affect our situation?
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situation with your son is seperate and before/above reconcilliation...
her actions put you and your son at great great risk of being seperated
and you being with replaced with a mulititude of strange man parading in and out of his life...
you maintain the clear line that a home with a mom a dad committed to being together...working out and resolving conflict is the healthiest environment for him....
and that is your goal...
if that falls through though you will fight the battle to maintain/obtain full custody..for she is the one that wants to date NOT you....
you want decrees in the seperation that neither she nor you can will expose the children to OP/dates etc...
search frankd posts....
he went the right path in advocating for HIS children...
as did lostwithouther....
find a dad's support group now...it will be a great resource and outlet for you..with access to great info...
I can not imagine visiting my children because my spouse wanted to date...and that would be my priority....
ark.....
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Sure, will do ...
In terms of this TXT and flowers sitch. Should I just leave it and not follow up?
Do you think the best course of action over these next few days (until I have my son on Friday) is not to initialise contact with her, but respond politely and briefly to anything that may be said/sent?
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are you talking about thanking her for the flowers...
if you bring up those flowers again to her...it totally appears you sent them...
not to send...
but to get a reaction...
she already thanked you
she already commented on them..
what more do you want her to say about them...and why would you bring them up again..
you are not getting plan A at all..
IF you send flowers in plan A then you should expect and be content with the act of sending them
you should expect no response
NO RESPONSE WHAT SO EVER....
that you find/found meaning in the giving...and NOT in her reaction....
read up about plan a..
read MR. E's response in my bumped post about giving yesterday...titled what if (I think)
he defines giving in plan A perfectly....
if you sent flowers for a reaction that will not work in plan a...
if you sent flowers because you wanted her to enjoy them period and have no interest in her reciprocating even a thanks...then that's good...
other wise you are using flowers as a weapon to engage something from her....
you gotta change your whole perception of this...
ark
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I didnt expect a response at all, I gave them because I wanted to. That is why I had them delivered to her house. She didnt know they were coming, nor did I tell her they were. She TXT me after she got them, and I replied. Thats it ... full stop! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I never spoke to her afterwoods, alas her last TXT about getting the flowers was the last I heard from her.
Is it not right, to call her parents (or her mobile) and ask to speak to my son? I don't really want to speak to her at the moment, I dont mind casually chatting, but I do not want to go into anything right now. I just figure that everytime I need to speak to our son, she just gets in the middle...
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You need to be clear that you expect and will be calling your son each night at __________ time and expect to have access to him....to say goodnight and talk to him....
very clear boundary
every day/night...
ARK
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OK, i did that, told her I was going to call our son at 10am. I did that and she passed the phone to him. When she got back on the phone I told her I did not want our son, spending time with the OM. She said 'are you serious?!?' I replied with yes. And then there was a astonished silence on the other end.
I asked her if she was at home, and she said no. I asked where are you and our son, and she said out - i dont need to tell you where I am. I said no, but I would like to know where our son is. She eventually told me she was at her brother's house.
She will be served this afternoon with a court appearance for our son. How should I react when she finds out and calls to abuse me? Obviously I will be calm, but is there anyway I can defuse the situation?
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Stick to the topic and try not to ask too many questions. Just stick to the 1 important issue.
Let her be the one to put her foot in her mouth and don't try to help her take it out. It will backfire if you do.
JMHO,
L.
<small>[ December 14, 2004, 11:49 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>
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Will all hope for us be lost at that point? She has done nothing on her end, to negotiate with me or my lawyers, so she must assume that it will be coming ... I forgot to mention that when I did speak to her this morning, she bought up the flowers. I said it was no problem sending them to you, she said they were beautiful, large bunch with all these different types in them. She sounded reasonably happy with them. I just think with these court orders (which I really needed to do, for our sons sake) it will destroy any hope for us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I would not like for that to happen, but I need to put my sons interests before my own (and ours) ...
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The court issue is mandatory from a parental standpoint. Not to be confused with your R issue which is secondary right now.
Expect her to be angry. Let her anger show not yours. You focus on what is best for your child. Don't let her paint herself as the victim or saint. She is neither. She isn't even acting as a good parent right now and that's what the court needs to see.
Do you have your incidents which is making this step neccessary written down? With times and dates?
L.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The court issue is mandatory from a parental standpoint. Not to be confused with your R issue which is secondary right now. [/quote Unfortunately, she will not see it this way. She has indicated that before .... [quote] Expect her to be angry. Let her anger show not yours. You focus on what is best for your child. Don't let her paint herself as the victim or saint. She is neither. She isn't even acting as a good parent right now and that's what the court needs to see. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, she is not. While she still loves our son i am sure, just everything she has done for the last month indicates otherwise. Like stopping me calling regularly, dictating to me when I can see him, taking him around to OM/OP houses. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you have your incidents which is making this step neccessary written down? With times and dates? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Indeed. I have quite a paper trail. She knows all about it, I have been quite upfront with her, in terms of negotiating etc. While it may not seem so bad, if she was to associate still with the people we (and our son) knows, she has cut them all out, and has started to introduce him to OM/OP who she has just recently met. This UK guy for instance, they only met last week, and already she talks to him all the time, meets him regularly (sometimes by herself ie. breakfast this past weekend) and then takes our son out with them (to the zoo). That worries, stresses, and makes me angry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
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Focus, focus, focus!!! Did you hear about the WS who left $20.00 on the counter and told her kids to get themselves dinner from a nearby fast food so she could go see the OM?
That's what I am talking about. Can't count on the WS to act normal, not for a minute.
L.
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Hmmmm, here is an interesting update. I picked my son up today from my W parents house (I was not suppose to have him today) to return him at 7pm. At 6pm my W rings and asks if I can do her a small favour:
W: I have a small favour to ask you
Me: sure, what is it
W: Mom has invited me to a work function tonight, I was wondering if you could look after our son and bring him back tomorrow morning
Me: thats fine, no problem
W: Are you sure? I feel wierd asking you
Me: Nope, not at all. I will drop him back tomorrow at 7:30am. Who is going to your work function?
W: Dont know, why do you have to ask so many questions?
Me: Sorry, it was just one question, wondering what you were going to do with your little S
W: Oh, dad will probably look after her
Me: OK then, no problems, bye
Now .... after I hung up the phone I immediately thought I was giving her an easy option to see this OM (who she met through her moms work). But then on the other hand, it gives me more time with my son, which I am happy about.
What do you think? Is it something on purpose because she wants to spend the night with this OM? Or do you think it is something innocent?
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U R in plan A and she is in plan WS. Your paths are not even in the same solar system. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Be a good parent. Assume she w/b meeting some OMs (see she already has a reputation). But you will use that time for your child. Mothers who abandon their children seem t/b on the uprise. Notice how she accused you of asking soo many questions and you replied, just one. That was great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Your not confused......she is and is not happy when you can't be fooled. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> L.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Be a good parent. Assume she w/b meeting some OMs (see she already has a reputation). But you will use that time for your child. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I most definately will have a good night with my son <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Obviously her mom is in on this as well, her dad? Probably also, so I cannot rely on their help to get her to think clearly. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Mothers who abandon their children seem t/b on the uprise. Notice how she accused you of asking soo many questions and you replied, just one. That was great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does that mean I did something right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Yeah, I asked one question, as I was told I ask too many? Go figure. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your not confused......she is and is not happy when you can't be fooled. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, is this a good step, or just a minor one. I have no doubt that this OM will be there. That is even if they are going to her moms work function, wouldn't surprise me if they are not! How should I approach this tomorrow morning then, when I drop him back? Should I say anything, or should i just say 'have a good time last night?'
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IMHO, I wouldn't ask about her night nor wish her well.
You may not know what she has told her parents about you. Is there a chance she is accusing you of having an A?
Show interest in your child and merely acknowledge her presence. Make no big deals about her stance.
You and your son are 1 pkg. Show her that.
I think you are doing fine. You will improve and move forward. Just don't set your expectations too high and don't think she won't get worse.
Take care,
L.
<small>[ December 15, 2004, 04:36 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> IMHO, I wouldn't ask about her night nor wish her well. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, well I will just drop him off and say little to her, just say we had a great night, and I will see him again on Friday ... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You may not know what she has told her parents about you. Is there a chance she is accusing you of having an A? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has told her parents all kind of cr*p. Mostly that I am controlling etc etc etc They know how much I love her, and in a way how good I am for her etc etc But for her mother to set her up with someone else, not long after separation - you have to wonder about that. Her mom has had affairs in the past (twice I think with her current husband), and I have never really liked her. So in a way her behaviour is making a lot of sense... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You and your son are 1 pkg. Show her that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Definately. That is why I told her I have no problem having our son tonight. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think you are doing fine. You will improve and move forward. Just don't set your expectations too high and don't think she won't get worse. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I wouldnt even take tonight as a positive really. Positive in the sense that I get to spend the night with my son, but in H+W relationship, nothing. Thanks L!
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Well, I dropped my son off at 7:30am this morning, and my W was asleep. Her S answered the door, and said she will go get my W. Then she came back and said she is still asleep but you can come in (which was surprising considering she said I am not allowed in the house). I walked to her bedroom and she was still half asleep. She was nice enough, said hello, did we have a good time, and thanks for looking after him. I said no problems, we had a great time. She started to wake a little more, and I just blurted softly - 'i miss that look', to which she just smiled. I then quickly said goodbye to my son and W and left... I am stressing big time about her receiving this court summons + my affidavit etc. I didnt lie in it, it is all pretty straight forward, but there are a few points about her (and our son) spending time with another man on social visits, and also about her leaving him with a babysitter (including her parents). I am just worried I guess, that any good work that I have done, will come untied with this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But I HAD to do it, I have no choice. Thoughts on this situation? <small>[ December 15, 2004, 06:16 PM: Message edited by: Confused5 ]</small>
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Confused,
I apologize for not taking the time to read your story, but I am at work and must hurry.
You do whatever is necessary to keep you son away from OM/OP. It is your duty to protect your son from more trauma. He will have security/safety issues as it is. Children are not capable of processing info or understanding sitch's the way adults are.
This is NOT an LB, this is an act of love.
If she gets mad, tough stuff! ...she should no better then to do this to her child.
This is NOT about her. You did the right thing.
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