g'morning,

Been up a while and wanted to see how you were doing? Well what is your plan now? Hope you schedule some rest in your plans because this A thing has a way of robbing the BS of much needed rest. I know it is hard and with all you have t/d and with the adrenaline pour out of your pores, well.....it is hard but know you MUST rest.

ok, the MB mom in me will go and do a few other chores. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

I'm your classic case of being to needy and pushing the ww away, My ww is staying till June and I'm sure it's all fog talk. She is not commited to the M but she is commited to NC with Om ( 16 days now )

When I stopped telling my ww I loved her and used phrases like. I care about where we are heading, and I care about the pain your feeling. These did more good then the ILY's.

I was also very depressed and still have many bad day's but in the past couple days using Plan A and a lot of great advice on here, I have been able to get my ww to open up to me with honesty about her A, she has been telling me the details of her A, yeah it hurts but I smile and tell her, I appreciate your honesty and respect how your feeling, While inside I'm picturing running OM over and over and over again with my car, Afterwards I repeat back what she is telling me to confirm I have listened,

Back off being so needy and just do your Plan A. your getting alot of great advice from some of the best vets on MB, your in good hands. listen to them and you'll do well

Ok let me try and clarify. I only say ILY when I get off the phone with her or when I leave for work (I work overnights by the way. Orchid that's why I was up all night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )
My WW is willing to tell me about the affair and she says she will answer any questions I have about it but I don't know if I want to know it ALL. I've asked questions here and there from time to time, but I haven't been like, tell me everything from beginning to end. I don't ask her to end the affair, well maybe I do. I usually say things like "I wish you could see what's in front of you." Is that being needy?
If I'm suppose to act like her friend and not her husband how is that going to work? She says she feels I'm her best friend not a husband. (Then she added, "right now" which gave me hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> that it was fog talk)
what do you guys think?

I don't tell my ww ILY at all all. Not with green eggs and ham not even before work do I say ILY.. Sorry just a small try at humour...

Look, Plan A is about you becoming the best you can be regardless of what your ww chooses. Right now all you can do is be there to listen to her and help her out with any EN's she may need. I know it seems hard but you litterally have to detatch yourself from her. Not more then three days ago I sat someplace safe and contiplated suicide, well I would honestly say that I was just a second away from doing what I felt had to be done, when I realized that I needed to live for me and during this time if WW wants to watch and grow with me then it has to be her choice. I would love for her to fill all my EN's, and tell me she loves me and wants to save this M..But she has done none of those things, what she has done is slowly open up to me and she has had no contact for 16 day's and thats good....

Stick to your Plan A and make yourself better then sliced bread and before you know it, she will be calling you and talking about the M and what she wants from it..just be prepared to set conditions and be ready to stand your ground...

I see 2x4's in my future for this post but what the hell, it only stings until unconsiousness kicks in...LOL

TMCM and Mschluter gave you good advice. Now that you say your W is willing to give you info, work with a good MC or do the phone counseling. You still need a plan. Just because she is willing to talk doesn't mean she will be willing to talk. Confused? You s/b. That is how it is in the fog. Talk today, clam up in a couple of hours....yep mood swings worse than any PMS you ever seen.

Now get some rest so you can handle the next round abouts that are coming your way. ok?

take care,
L.

thanks for the advice guys. My next question (I seem to be full of question these days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )is it better to have her tell me EVERYTHING? or just the information I want to know at the time?

better for who? U or her? U both need t/b in front of a good MC in order for the truth to come out.

The MC will help her tell it correctly and the MC will help you be able to digest what you need. Also help you lessen the blow so chunks don't come out.

L.

She seems more than willing to tell me anything I know, but I don't know if I can handle the truth. I just feel weak when the topic comes up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Fighting 4 my wife:
<strong> She seems more than willing to tell me anything I know, but I don't know if I can handle the truth. I just feel weak when the topic comes up. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All the more reason to work it out via a good MC or MB phone counseling.

L.

I have been visiting this site for the past + 4 years. I am WS in our M of +29 Y (which I do not know if will reach 30 Yrs maturity, as my BS has indicated many a times she is serious in bringing this to an end soon).

The Topic of this Thread appealed to me hence I am posting my questions for getting your comments and feed back.
1. Does taking Back a WS make BS look weak?
2. If the issue is PAs are raised day in day out does that increase severity of the episode or WS' wrong doing?
3. Also is not possible for a person to commit some mistakes and try to make amends?
(The EMRs were indulged some years back (1981 & 1989) and since then I have lived a clean life. Though my BS does not accept this. According to her every out station trip I have taken in the past 20 years I must have indulged and my nature of work takes me away from home quite frequently.)
4. What does a WS do when BS refuses to accept answers to questions posed if this does not conform to her assumptions/likings?
5. My BS has asked me what impressions those OWs have formed about our M life?
(I really have no idea, as these personalities involved were two very casual acquitnaces met when I was away from home and nor I am bothered about their opinions as only opinion that matters to me is my BS'.)

I submit my case in brief.
I am married for +29 Years.
I had Two EMRs many years back involving two OWs while I was away from home.
I confessed these episodes in April 2000.
I have no contact with any of these OWs nor had ever established any contact after our disclosed PAs.
Though I have been accused of numerous PAs by my BS, which I did not indulge.
More I deny charges against me, more it infurates my BS. She has been going through the Roller Coaster Ride for the past four years. She refuses to either take professional help or familial help as she might loose face. She has triggers almost every morning. At times it even gets physical. I am at loss as to how to deal with the situation? I very much love my BS, but very difficult to convince her of this fact under her present state of mind. Thus I do not hold her anger, retributions etc. against me. But at the same time I can not offer her any solution. She has very firm mind set, which almost borders to arrogance and would not heed to suggestions or advices. I do not know how long I can undergo this guilt trip and stress?

It is but natural, she views every move of mine - actions, statements, gestures with very deep suspicion. Every available opportunity she will not fail to bring up the issue of my EMRs. I have posted a few times in the past and received some friendly and helpful tips. Can any one suggest me a way out of this predicament?

I do not mind anti-WS sentiments from anyone in this site, that is what we WS' deserve for our past actions. But we are certainly entitled to reform?

Many thanks in advance.