I have never been to a therapist/counselor in my life and certainly never imagined I would visit a marriage counselor prior to this chapter in my life, so I had no idea what to expect. Following are my observations:

1) He only wants to see us as a couple. This was surprising to me. I expected a joint session and then he would split us up and work with us individually for some time. He told us that he feels ethically bound to only work with us together as we each have the right to hear anything the other says. I suppose this is good, but I wonder if it will be inhibiting for my wife in terms of dealing with certain issues (withdrawal, past relationships) due to not wanting me to hear all of the dirty details. I wonder if I am prepared to listen to the same should she feel comfortable sharing.

2) I had forgotten just how much my wife has been through in her life...she really has a lot of baggage. Married at 17, spent 10 years in an verbally and physically abusive marriage, lost her three children to first husband who turned them totally against her until they told her they hated her and never wanted to see her again so she gave up visitation, rebounded into a six month marriage with a cocain addicted [censored] culminating in a homicide attempt (tried to strangle her with a phonecord). Exited first marriage by having an A, engaged in an A with second husband when they met (he was still married). She has been diagnosed with OCD and depression.

3) I am very encouraged and surprised at my fww's realistic assessment of her situation and honest desire to work it out. She said she feels like Robert Downey Jr. in that she keeps going in and out of rehab and hurting more people around her each time and wants to stop the cycle before there is no one left for her. Counselor told her that this relationship (our M) is what she needs for healing.

4) It was good to hear the counselor 'stand up for me' a bit. He told her that this situation would cause anyone to become insecure and that she needs to do what she can to reassure me and restore my trust if she wants to save the M. She mentioned to the counselor that it depresses her to hear me want to talk about the A and my feelings and he told her that I need to do that and not to discourage me, and to really actively listen to what I have to say. She told the counselor that I am a 'great guy' and that she can't believe I have stood by her through this. He told her to 'make him feel that way rather than just saying it'. Pretty cool.

5) Hearing her describe the A to the counselor was extremely hard for me to deal with. There were no sex details or anything like that. She just told him that the OM pestered her for a month to call him and then she finally thought 'why not' and called him and they went to dinner and a movie. After we got home from the mc session I was distant and she could tell it. We went to bed and she asked me to hold her, which I did. But as soon as she fell asleep I got up. I found myself angry and sick to my stomach almost to the point of throwing up thinking about her with the OM. First time I have really had such intense feelings of that sort. Took the dog for a midnight walk for almost an hour, then contemplated sleeping on the couch, but made myself go back to the bedroom so as to avoid an LB and meet her EN for me to be there. I am better this morning, but she can still tell I am distant. She called me on her way to work to tell me how much she loves me and that she knows we will have a wonderful future together if I don't dump her. Told me to cheer up and that she wants sex tonight!!!...that should be a major victory for me and I find myself wondering if I can do it? Strange. I certainly believe SH is right when he says the BS is a bigger danger to the marriage in recovery than the WS.

Oh well, helped me to get all this out.

Sounds very encouraging to me. Is she taking meds for the OCD/depression?

HH - I hope I'm not jumping the gun on my own hopes and belief in our own marriage recovering, but I can identify with both sides of your coin:

I, too, have vascilated btw "hanging on" and "jumping ship", and so far have found my optimism for our future wins out over my fears... most of the time, SF is even better than in recent years, but once or twice, my mind got in the way of my body (did he do this for her, is this for real, is there another shoe waiting to drop, etc) and that is miserable.

My own H is currently in the amends stage and it is wonderful, when I can focus on just appreciating it. I still have tons of anxiety over the smallest, weirdest things and he is so understanding....

Like you, too, I got relief from the MC "standing up for me" - ours did it in such a non-confrontational way, it was healing for H, too. Weird, too, was the MC understanding H's obsession and for me to grasp it in a way that didn't hurt so much...

Let your heart swell with pride in your wife for what she is offering you tonight, pride that you deserve her attention and pride that she is reaching out to you.

How about making it better for both of you with a bit of romancing and tantalizing and slow foreplay before getting to the finish? (Hope I'm not too racey, here) It'lll help both of you stoke the fire...

You've delvered some good news, hope tomorrow the news is even better!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> Sounds very encouraging to me. Is she taking meds for the OCD/depression? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Going to the doc tomorrow!

Great. That should really help things.

As far as the SF thing, there may be some triggers for you, but men seem to do better by "reclaiming their territory". I say go for it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>He only wants to see us as a couple. This was surprising to me. I expected a joint session and then he would split us up and work with us individually for some time. He told us that he feels ethically bound to only work with us together as we each have the right to hear anything the other says. I suppose this is good, but I wonder if it will be inhibiting for my wife in terms of dealing with certain issues (withdrawal, past relationships) due to not wanting me to hear all of the dirty details. I wonder if I am prepared to listen to the same should she feel comfortable sharing.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hurting, I agree with you on this… As you’ve read on my post to ArjDad, I believe it’s necessary to combine MC with IC or to have one-on-one sessions with the M Counselor as well. IC or one-on-one sessions can help with personal recovery for both the FWS and BS and to get feelings out you don’t feel comfortable in sharing in front of the spouse. As you’ve said, a FWS in withdrawal don’t always have the courage to be totally honest and open in front of the BS about their feelings (out of fear that they will hurt the BS again) and this is the other reason why it’s important for the FWS to find a trusting outside person they can talk to during withdrawal (of course the same goes for the BS).

Update:

I really feel that my fww is coming out of the fog. Just due to my being distant after the mc session and the next morning, it must have made her uneasy...she called me five times yesterday and left me voicemail telling me how much she loves me, etc. We had a really nice night last night and yes, SF.

You know, for the first time in a couple of years, I really feel like she wants this relationship as much as I do, maybe even more. I suppose that's the danger on the other side of the A, that the ws comes back in full force and the bs is too damaged to be there. I don't think that's going to be the case with us, though. It does seem as though it's all going to work out for the best and that we will be stronger and better in years to come.

Praise God for his role in this and a hearty thank you to BobPure, Orchid, Suzet and others who have helped to pull me through...I know this is far from over, but I do feel a certain sense of cresting the big hill. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hurting,

It’s good to read such a positive post and I’m glad you sound so happy today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Yes, there will be some hard times ahead – sometimes it's 1 step forward and 2 steps backward - but God IS true to his promises and if we honor Him and put all our trust & faith in Him, things WILL work out for the best! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Let me know about your W’s medication. Yesterday you’ve said she’s going to the doc today.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 07:28 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Suzet*:
<strong> Hurting,

Let me know about your W’s medication. Yesterday you’ve said she’s going to the doc today.

Blessings,
Suzet </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She went yesterday. He put her on Welbutrin 150mg. She had tried welbutrin in the past but a lower dosage and did not feel it helped all that much. However, her Mother gave her some 150mg Welbutrin at Thanksgiving, so this actually makes it her second week. I have noticed a marked improvement in her behavior, seems much happier, more logical and mature in her thinking, etc. Of course she is also coming out of the Fog, we had our first MC session, etc. So, it's hard to gauge just how much is the meds and what is the natural course of healing, but results are good thus far. He told her to give it a try for a month and if the results were not there he would switch her to 300mg or try something different. She didn't want to go back to Effexor because of the weight gain it caused..

I don't know, I have had more affection, SF and everything else in the last week than the last year it seems. So, I am a big fan of the happy pills <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

congrats HH! Missed this thread yesterday.

Me and Eeyorelover are supposed to have our first MC tonight. I hope she is feeling well enough to go.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greergan:
<strong>Me and Eeyorelover are supposed to have our first MC tonight. I hope she is feeling well enough to go. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Best wishes, just remember. No matter how much you want her to benefit from this, don't forget to make a point about the things that matter to you. I know that was something that was a challenge for me.