I feel like the worst person in the freakin world. I have a H over here that has been so good through all my **** and I keep putting him through more. He has quit smoking, lost weight.
I am not sure what to do. I feel like I love two people. My H and the OM. I have tried so hard to let him go and it is not working the way my H wants it to. I still have feelings for the OM but I have strong feelings for my H also. A part of me feels that I don't deserve anyone. I should just get a place by myself and try to get my head straight. I just don't know how to get my head straight. I am such a freakin mess. How do I make the right decision.......... Someone please help me to stop hurting everyone.

There have been many others here in your same position. Please have no contact with the other man. He does not have your best interests in his heart.

It is extremely difficult to do, but others have stayed with their husbands, got through withdrawal (yep, just like a drug addict), and are happy they did.

Hopefully some of them will chime in.

A long, long time ago, before I became (and this is more recently) a BS, I was a WW. I wished there had been a forum like this available then. There's so much valuable advice here to help you see through the fog. Break contact with OM. They lead you along, string you out and mess with your head. Nothing good can come from OM. What have they got to lose if they lie to you? See how you feel about your H. Give it some time without contact with OM. Maybe it would help if you were away from BOTH of them for a while.

Having been through an A myself, I know the best decision you can make to is to completely remove yourself from the OM. I know it will be the hardest thing you can do, I’ve been there. The payoff is a relationship with your H that will last an eternity. You must also figure out what emotional needs the OM is fulfilling that your H isn’t and talk to him about it. If he’s willing to change and realize how to better fulfill your emotional needs, you’ll no longer have a need or desire for the OM. But you’ll have to do the same for him. It’s a formula that works; fill the empty voids in your spouse’s life, before someone else does.

EL1966:

1st of all:

It is likely the OM is a lesser man than your H. Otherwise, you would be gone! Is that correct?

I bet that the only thing OM has going for him is his smooth talk and the ability to say what you want to hear. In other words the guy zeroed in into your romance related ENs. Don't be surprised; most OMs are good at this. They have a knack for finding out these things early on and they know how to exploit them.

Your relationship with OM is based on secrecy, deceit, lies, betrayal, ect. In addition the only thing OM really does is fill a few romance related ENs. I bet he does not have to do anything else, but be romantic to you. All the real life crap is filtered out of your relationship with OM. In fact your relationship with OM was like Disneyland---- a fantasy. Once these relationships have to function in daylight they tend to fail. Common real life stressors immediately destroy these relationships. The foundation of the relationship is simply fragile---- as fragile as a fantasy.

The only time an affair has a chance is when the WW is leaving the marriage regardless of OM. IN other words, you were going to get a divorce no matter what and the affair was merely a coincidence. If that is not the case you have a choice. Then only choice you have is:

NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT

NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT


NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT


NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT


NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT


NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT


It is rather simple.

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 09:32 AM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

EL1966:

A few questions:

What attracted you to the OM? What do you like about him?

What attracted you to your H when you met him? What did you like about H?

Please make a list and see what it shows. Could you share with the forum?

Eeyore: You can be married, or you can be single. But no one can be both of those things at once -- at least, not for long.

Like all WSs, you are trying to be both married and single at the same time and looking desperately for some way to make that work. But everyone here can tell you there IS no way to make that work and NO ONE is entitled to try. Why? Because it is unspeakably cruel to the person who IS trying to be married to you.

Pick one. Be married, or be single. The longer you try to do both, the longer you are causing suffering for yourself and your family. And you may well wake up one day and find that a choice has been made *for* you.

"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."
Mulan

EL, you can't make an informed decision until you decide to give your H the same chance to meet your needs that you gave the OM.

You can only do that with NC.

You need both.

Keep reading this site. Read everything you can on A's.

Welcome to the club. I wish I wasn't a member, but I am pleased to meet you.

Thank you all for your advice.
NC is easier said than done as you all already know. I do have feelings for the OM but I know deep down if we did get together and after the "fantasy" part of it goes away we would probably not have a very healthy relationship. I am going to see a counselor on friday and I hope once I lay every thing out to him it will be easier to make the decision I need to make. Again my H has been wonderful through this and I just want to tell him that I do love him and I am so very proud of him for losing weight and not smoking anymore. He has been so great through all of this and I just want to thank him.... Thank you Greergan

You are welcome baby. I love you too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O yes, congrats on you being over a year smoke free and on your diet/exercise routine. You have done a wonderful job with both. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

I'm so happy to know that I'm not the only one in this situation! "Happy" is probably not the right word to use though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NC with the OM (starting to learn the lingo) does truly seem to be the only way to work things out with the BS. I haven't done this yet myself yet. It is SO hard. And to read that the OM does not have our best interests at heart is so confusing.

I've read on the MB site that relationships that are based on an A have only a 25% success rate. You might want to keep that in mind.