I guess the best place to start is with my story, so here it is. I’m a 33 year old man in the military, married for 11 years and have 2 small children (3 and 4 years old). It began about a year after we got married; I started struggling with sexual impurity (pornography, masturbation, inappropriate relationships and affairs). I’ve had 8 total relationships with women that my wife would not have approved of ranging from having one woman come over to the house while she wasn’t there all the way up to a full-blown affair that lasted 4 weeks. In 6 out of the 8 relationships, sex never happened, the two that did, she found out about. The first was 7 years ago (the 4-week affair) and I lied about the whole thing; it only happened once, I was drunk, she helped me home, I woke up next to her, etc. She bought the lie and we moved on, in fact even today, that’s still what she thinks happened. The other one was when I was deployed and got involved with one of my troops. She was having problems with her boyfriend back home and we grew closer together, obviously too close. We had sex right before she left to go back home. Now, 1 year later, she’s claiming I raped her. I confessed everything to my wife about that one, but there’s still the other 7.

In additional to those, I’ve been fighting sexual addition through pornography. After reading “Every Man’s Battle” I’ve been porn-free for about a week (which is a huge accomplishment for me). My wife and I are working through the affair and our marital issues pretty well. She wants to take the kids and leave, but loves me too much to do so. I’m still waiting for the outcome of the investigation at another base in another state from her, so our only interaction is over the phone. We talk every day for about 1-2 hours. I was able to go back and see her once for about a week since this all started 2 months ago and I’ll be seeing her again for the holidays. She has no clue about the porn. I’ve been able to hide it from here thus far, but now that it’s gone from my life, I have nothing left to hide.

In the process of rebuilding my marriage, I know one step is to be honest with her, even about past transgressions. But that is one area where I struggle. She’s already dealing with so much regarding the affair and allegation of rape that I’m afraid if I pile on more “truth” about myself, it will do more harm than good and she’ll leave for good. I want to approach this like adding flour to cookie dough; if you dump the flour in all at once, it only makes a mess, so add it gradually. But in the midst of rebuilding our marriage, I’d still have to keep up the lies, that can’t be right. I will tell her everything eventually, but I’m just going through a lot right now and looking for some opinions out there from those that have been through it before or just want to share their opinion.

Thanks.

Hi CPTdad...

I'm in the military too...I've been deployed since Feb and won't be home for good until next Apr/May.

I'm not going give you any 2x4s regarding your decisions and actions, but I would like to give you some of my thoughts on the R with your W....

You must be totally honest with your W. If you ever want to rebuild your M. You can't try to protect her feelings... she deserves to know the entire truth so she can make a rational decision on her on.

She may decide to leave you, but then again, she may not... but it is HER decision to make, not yours.

The Every Man's Battle is a good program... a key part in that is finding a good accountability partner. I know that it's probably hard to find a good accountability partner on a military installation, but perhaps the Chaplain can help you...

If your W does decide to stay with you, please, please, get some IC and MC... IMHO, you and your W won't stand much of a chance at all in rebuilding your M if you don't...

Semper Fi,
RIF

as someone else who had a LOT to tell her spouse I can understand your question.

It sounds like you do want to tell her all and that is good. Like RIF says, i also believe it is manditory for a true rebuilding of your marriage.

However as someone else who had a LOT to tell her spouse, when and how quickly you tell her can make a difference. I truely believe if I had gotten all of it out on my first attempt, we might not have survived. However, having it leak out slowly would be so unfair to your W. On my second d-day ALL came out.

It really sounds like you need a plan. It sounds like the book you read helped you, but it also sounds like you need to really work hard on yourself. One week clean is awesome, i know how hard it is having to break my addiction to the internet. i know how many times i kept track of how many days "clean" i was only to fall off the wagon again. Hopefully you will not have to restart as many times as i did. Can you get into IC? Start to figure out why you act as you do. Having this insight will help your wife when you tell her everything else. My H talking to my IC shortly after i told him everything helped him emensly.

i hope some of this helps you.

please know this, if i can do it, so can you!

I'm very new to this Discussion Forum and the acronyms you are using are still a little foreign to me. I've been able to figure out some of them; M=Marriage, W=Wife, H=Husband, MC=Marriage Counseling, but the others I still can't figure out. Is there a dictionary or some place I can go to de-cipher all this? You'd think with my military background, it would come a little easier.

Thanks for your help.

I'm very new to this Discussion Forum and the acronyms you are using are still a little foreign to me. I've been able to figure out some of them; M=Marriage, W=Wife, H=Husband, MC=Marriage Counseling, but the others I still can't figure out. Is there a dictionary or some place I can go to de-cipher all this? You'd think with my military background, it would come a little easier.

Thanks for your help. Once I figure out what you're talking about, it will probably help even more.

Welcome,

I'm the BS of a military man, and I am going to second what you have already been told.

To have the truth in bits and pieces leaves a person feeling as if perhaps there is no bottom to this hole. Do you understand what I am telling you? That with this approach, even if you have disclosed all that has taken place..she may not be able to lose that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" sensations..always expecting that there will be more to the story.

Remember, lies always hurt more than the truth, even when the truth is ugly. Lies are the ultimate manifestation of disrespect, and chances are good, given your marital history, that she is feeling fairly disrespected already. By lying to someone..or even taking an "ask forgiveness not permission" approach, you make that person your pawn..you make them less than your equal because they are not able to make decisions based on acurate information, only what information you feel they ought to have in order to further your agenda.

If you believe as I do that intimacy can not exist in the presence of lies..then it looks as though you have never experienced true intimacy in your marriage of 11 years. How sad for you both. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> To have lived side by side for so long and really not even know each other as well as room mates might, forget about "one flesh".

Might your wife leave if you disclose any further insult to your union? Well..yes, she might. Although it was your actions and not the disclosure that she will object to, and I have consistently seen this issue to be troublesome for a WS thinking about coming clean. You have long adopted the pretense that what she doesn't know doesn't hurt her, and you have been dead wrong the entire time. Change your thought patters to accept that every lie..every moment of the day that the truth goes unrevealed is a literal torture for her..and you are far closer to the truth.

You see..you presume that she is unaware of all these things..but chances are good that you have presumed wrong. Many BSs..myself included, have experienced moments of prescience..where we knew.. knew the truth without being told. There are more forces at work I think than we often give credit for.

Since your wife is already aware of the history of infidelity..and since these further disclosures will be painfull for her..why not tell her..that while she has a basic outline of the situation..you have not been truthfull about everything, that you are willing to do so now if she wishes, and let her decide how much she wants to know.

I'm sorry to point out..that from your post..it looks like you have only confessed when..ahem..busted. This does not work in your favor. Go out of your way to be exhaustively complete in your accounts from this day foreward.

Noodle

Captdad, I commend you for taking steps to overcome your past behavior and improve your marriage. Speaking strictly for myself, the information about my husband's activities came out over a period of about seven months. Each revelation came as a result of incontrovertible proof I found on my own. Each revelation was like a hammer to my face. I would have loved to take it all in one blow, but I didn't have control, my H did. We are still struggling more than 2 years later. If he had come forward ON HIS OWN, the trust I am hoping to rebuild for him would be increased tenfold. As it is, I am not sure he is strong enough to overcome his problem, because he tried so hard not to acknowledge it. I am not sure he loves me enough to be himself in front of me.

Ditto Julie!
Well said.

These are the answers I didn't want to hear, but I am glad to hear them. I think deep down, everyone is right; I need to forthright as soon as possible. And yes, I have only admitted to what I've been caught at.

Here's the next part. I will see her again on 19 Dec. Should I wait until then and talk to her face-to-face or do it now over the phone? Any idea on how to approach the subject, I want to be sensitive to her feelings while doing this (if that's even possible).

I just talked to her over lunch; she's looking for reasons to stay in the marriage, but can't seem to find any. I'm beginning to resolve myself to the fact that telling her everything won't turn out the way I'm hoping.

I'm so ashamed for what I've done and what I've put her through, I wish I could have realize this a long time ago.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ January 22, 2005, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: julie_hula ]</small>

capt,

I saw that you posted on turmoil's thread....thanks for sharing that by the way. But I wonder if you are willing to be more proactive about your sexual addiction by following some of the links I put on that other thread? SA, like any other addiction is extremely hard to overcome and the resources, support, and accountability offered by twelve step programs has proven to be the most successful in helping break this cycle. As part of that program, you will eventually reach the stage where you face the people you have harmed with your addiction...but by the time you do....you will be ready and won't be so scary. You'll also have the opportunity to talk to other people who can truly understand your feelings and help you be the man you wish to become.

Please go check out the links on that thread....it is the best advice that I can give you.

((((((((((((((capt)))))))))))

star*fish,

I can't access those sites from work, they have filters for self-help type stuff. But I can access the internet from my room, when the phones work. I will be checking out those sites as soon as possible, thanks. I'm looking for whatever help I can get. They have me doing "busy work" right now, so my only focus is on repairing my marriage.

BTW, I'm still having problems learning the acronyms, can you help me with that? Is there some place to go where I can find where they are all explained?

captdad

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm beginning to resolve myself to the fact that telling her everything won't turn out the way I'm hoping.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">don't be so sure. i can relate to your fear. but my M IS healing. it never would have imagined it could but it is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> she's looking for reasons to stay in the marriage, but can't seem to find any. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i know one that helped my H hang on, me getting into IC. i am sure that gave him a reason to hold out a bit longer. but i had to want to be in IC and i had to do the work, he gave me the time. after i had been in IC for a while i was finally able to confess everything, which was a lot worse than what he was originally told.

it's not going to be easy captdad, but it IS possible. With God ALL things are possible.

you cannot control her actions, going into IC in the hopes of doing that will not work. what i am saying is get yourself healthy!!! whether that be IC or some sort of addiction program. get yourself healthy for you. it is the best thing you can do for your family. and then pray that will help your wife find her way to stay with you.

this will help...

Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes and thisGeneral Welcome for All New Builders

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">so my only focus is on repairing my marriage.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that is good but shift that just a bit to repairing yourself first.

*17

While it is true that there is no way to..arrange for the conversation to go as you would like..and even if there were she will probably change her mind with such swiftness and frequency as to make sybll look like a model of moderation and stability <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ..this is all to be expected. Do not place too much credence on her initial reaction..or even for several months after this conversation.

What probably will make a lasting difference, is to demonstrate consistently that you acknowledge the great offense and that you take it seriously. That there is a very real problem, and you are seeking a real solution with her or without her. If you present your efforts as an attempt to pacify her..it will likely seem ingenuine.

If you are sorry, tell her precisely what for.."everything" is letting yourself off the hook too easily. Speak the truth of your crimes..witness her response to realization/confirmation.

Examples?

"I am sorry that I lied to you."

"I am sorry that I betrayed you."

"I am sorry that I defrauded you in this marriage and essentially spent 11 irretrievable years of your life pursuing my own selfish ends."

These things are not said to cause you further harm..but rather because they are true..and what probably is going through her own mind..and addressing them upfront will, in my opinion, allow those festering wounds to be exposed to oxygen and so loose their potency.

This is the best advice I can offer you..painfull though it must be to hear.

Good luck and I do hope you come back and let us know how it goes, and if we can be of any further help.

Noodle

noodle,

Thank you, so much for your response. I think I'm now ready to believe what I know in my heart is the right thing to do. I'll make arrangements for the kids to be elsewhere and also for me to live somehwere else so she can digest it all and in case she wants me gone for a few days. I just hope she does nothing drastic. I pray the Lord will be there to give us both the strength we'll need.

Again, thank you.

Hey CPTdad -

Just wanted to see how you were doing this evening... You've gotten some GREAT information from some very experienced people...

Hang in there...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Just to give you an update, I have decided to tell her everything about my past when I go back for Christmas. I’ll wait until a few days before I leave so I don’t ruin the holidays for everyone. I’ve made arrangements for the kids to be gone and for me to stay elsewhere (in case things turn ugly, which I fully expect). I can’t thank everyone enough for their support and encouragement; this may just be the turning point in our healing. All I can think of is how much things will be better for us once this is over, if we survive at all. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to start things off, but the words just aren’t coming to me very well. I guess there’s really no way to say it except “Honey, we need to talk about a few things…” To be honest, when I was in Iraq and got shot at, mortared and bombed every day, I somehow found the courage to carry on and face my fears. Going into this battle, I’m 10 times more scared. I wish I felt as prepared for this as I did over there.

Thanks, again for all your help.

i will be praying for you. God is bringing us thru our struggles. He can be with you and your wife too. You are doing the right thing, that is what He wants us to do.

Good for you *17,

I think it is very wise to compare this to active combat..the actual conversation may well end up with some shelling and fallout.

More importantly though..and I can't emphasize this enough, is that you keep your focus on your long term goal rather than this battle specifically. Your job here, is to give her the info. Period. There is no way to predict how well or badly she will take it. It will be many months yet of steep ups and downs "maybe we can work it outs" and I'm leaving, there is no hope" and I'm sorry to say, no way out but through.

So having accepted that this will be a long and painfull process..it really is important to have your support system in place.

Be in close contact with your doctor..definitely get an IC and most importantly...if you have an addictive habbit..times of stress will make you more prone not less..so extraordinary measures should be taken to prevent more regret and need for confession.

You are doing the right thing..one way or the other things will be alright..maybe for the first time..but it's a long time 'till dawn, miles to go..ok?

Good luck

Noodle