my divorce will be final in another 2 months. My wife does not think it will work with her having the other man child and I would have to agree because she will not do what I need her to do for me to feel comfortable with the situation it will have to be her way for to work. Her cake and eating it too. My questions: What will be the long term effect on my 2 children 8 and 10? Will they grow up resenting there mother? How will it effect them when she marries this guy? They do not talk much about this but I know they do not like it. I do not think they can really express what they are feeling.What are the chances my wife and this will last dating or in a marriage. he was going through a divorce and I know my wife feeled the hole in his heart

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 09:38 AM: Message edited by: swimming alone ]</small>

You can't govern her actions. At this point, I don't know how my own M is going to work out. But I do know that my kids will be a priority. There are people out there who divorce and because they want the best for their kids, the kids do well.

Here's what I do with my kids right now and plan to do whatever happens. Maybe this will help you. Be consistent. Show them lots of love. Be honest with them. Don't expose them to a revolving door of "dates", your or your wife's. Be there for them. Don't be negative about your wife. Just say she's made her choices and hope it works out. If they resent their mom, they will. Kids view things differently than adults do. Does any of that help.

Love, love, love your kids.

yes it does. it just sounds like to be there for the children, move on with my life and let the chips fall where they may.

I'll send cyber hugs and thoughts to you Swimming. Our WS can't see through the fog right now. It's all about them. Somebody has to be there for the kids or they will fall through the cracks. It's hard but be there for them. You don't have to smother them or control them. Just be supportive and involved. I believe that the time you invest in your kids, pays back with lots of interest in the end. Maybe your WW will come around eventually.

(((((hug))))

thanks i believe this too.she will hurt him to it is her pattern

I was talking with my BIL's wife the other day. She is very sympathic to what's happening to me. One of the first things she said is that her dad left her mom for OW (and later married her) when she was 20. She said that this effected every relationship she had until she finally married my BIL. She says that she expected that men would lie and cheat and eventually leave you. Her brothers also are insecure in their relationships with their wives.

One of my goals with my kids is to help them understand that affairs and cheating and breaking up families is not normal behavior. That there are plenty of good people out there. I want to help them understand what they want from a relationship and how they can give. My boys are especially concerned about their little sister. We say that the 4 of us are the family that really matters. If H wants to be a part of it, he can. But we will support and cushion each other. Having the kids want to be together and a unit is priceless. I don't want my kids to grow up to be WS OR BS!

Good luck! I can tell you're hurting bad. All lower case is a bad sign. Hang in there.

those are my concerns --my little girl and boy- I want to still believe in marriage and that it can still work for them and that it is a beautiful thing to have someone to love and hopefully they will love you as much. I am worried about my children.. thanks... I wonder how the emotion of this will last it goes and comes. I feel it will be there for a while but will eventually go away.. I do not want another woman to ease my pain. I need to go through this whole process.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">move on with my life and let the chips fall where they may. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While I don't know a lot about your situation, I CAN tell you that THIS is a bad life strategy.

What do YOU want, SA? Do you want to provide a stable home for your kids? Do you want to be a good dad?

You need a VISION and a PLAN. You also need a lawyer.

If she insists on pursuing a life with the OM, let her do it at her own expense...not yours and your kids.

FIGHT for them, man

Low

I meant chips fall where they may refering to my wife and the OM not the children... We both understand the magnitude of this situation on the children and have sought counseling on how to deal with this situation. We feel we both can remain friendly around the children. My biggest thing was her moving that man in our but she understands the problem with that. We both have seen a lawyer together and are able to work things out to our satisfaction. According to our work schedules custody anywhere from 3-4 days a week for both of us depending on the schedule. I could have gotten custody and she knows this but I promise you this it would have gotten very ugly. Her parents were willing to go to court and speak on my behalf but I think this would have spilled over to the children. I just could not let it get that bad so we found common ground.Some may disagree but I felt if I got sole custody of the kids it would have been more of a pay back to her and I do not want to function like that