MB Friends-

I have been here since early this year. Most of the time I lurk. You have all had great advice about affairs and because of you and this forum I have learned what to expect even before it happens. And believe me, it always happens.

I have believed (90%) for the last year that my W had only an emotional affair. I have now learned in the last week, with still no admission on her part, that it was physical. She is sticking by her story though. My heart is broken. OM is old flame from high school, which neither my W or OM disclosed.

Maybe because I know now, this should be enough to move on and try and save the M. I feel my W must tell me first, however, for that to happen. She may never admit it and this could be a relentless exercise in disappointment. I am not sure what to do. We have been married 19 years and this was not expected.

Maybe this is a vent, maybe a question. Maybe tomorrow I will know what I am talking about.

I to have found out about my H's EA just 2 wks ago and have been devasted still in shock after 21 yrs and 16 married. He was always there body and soul. I was the only one until 2 yrs ago when he emotionally divorceed me. I asked and asked and he lied. I wonder if it went further. One question how did you find out if went further. The next step I would take is tell her you know. Is she reading the part on total honesty? You can not heal with out this. This is the part I am trying to get my H too. As of last night he tells me that his OW told him to stay with me that I was a good woman after she found out I knew about this EA? - She broke off contact. I hope that this is true and have told him it all comes out anyway. All I know is sticking with MB is going to keep me from making any rash choices at this point and help me heal.

Maduro, if your evidence is concrete you should confront her.

GC

Realtor-

I really stopped looking for more answers during the summer and things were getting better. Then, OM wife called me about some contact she knew of and suddenly the radar went back up. A close friend of her's is separating (due to an affair!) and my W told this other person and I heard part of the conversation. Complete luck. She continues to deny it. I agree with you, it is impossible to heal without the truth. I have no idea how to get her to admit it though.

Graycloud-

You are right. The problem is I should not have overheard the conversation. Do you have a similar experience?

No the problem is SHE wont tell the truth.

You need to confront her and say you know it was PA because you overheard her discuss it with 'X'.

She'll probably still deny it but I would recommend you tell OM's wife as well. She has as much right to work on her M as you do, or leave as you do.

Dont let her divert you into an argument, state the facts as you know them, keep calm, no LB's.

Aussieswife-

They have agreed to what to tell the spouses, counselors, etc. and are sticking to it. It will be a big LB to tell her how I know. This last confession of the truth must happen, absolutely, but it will be difficult. You are right though.

Maduro,

I'm not so sure you have to worry about love-busting at this point. Confront and expose.

Then, deal with the fog as part of your Plan A.

So waht if she's angry at you for invading her privacy?

I found out about my wife's A by reading a printout of an email she sent the OM. Really, I had no right to read that. But...I wasn't going to let hte privacy argument keep me doing what I HAD to do - get to the truth and crack the A.

If you weren't supposed to hear the conversation but did because you were snooping, you did it because you suspected something. You were right to suspect something, and you were right to do what it took to find out the truth.

She will complain about you invading her privacy. Boo hoo. She trampled on your marriage. A little invasion of privacy, now and then, is a good thing. She sacrificed her right to privacy when she cheated on you.

Do not apologize for snooping!

GC

Yes I was snooping. You had to figure that out because I am too embarrased to even tell the anonymous friends here. I have the proof, though, and some hurtful fog to remember the rest of my life. I almost stopped checking until the recent contact. The fog scares me into avoiding this conflict and finding another way to get her to tell me the truth. What a mess.

Maduro,

You have the proof. Confront her!

Maduro:

I'm going 2 quote something I often quote on this forum, about secrecy, privacy, truth, and honesty. Before I do, though, I want 2 chime in and urge you 2 confront NOW, rather than later, and tell the OM's W yourself, NOW, rather than relying on your W or the OM 2 tell her their story. Your W will be angry, but she'll be angry because she was caught, not because it isn't true.

"The Difference Between Secret And Private

Private matters are those traits, truths, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves that we keep to ourselves. They might include our fantasies and daydreams, feelings about the way the world works, and spiritual beliefs. Private matters, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, give another person some insight into the revealer.

Secrets, on the other hand, consist of information that has potentially negative impact on someone else-emotionally, physically, or financially. Secrets, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, cause great chaos or harm to the secret-keeper and those around him or her.

Private: I believe in reincarnation.

Secret: I have a wife and a mistress and neither knows about the other.

Private: I got terrible grades in high school.

Secret: I forged my medical degree.


The Difference Between Truth and Honesty

Truth is empirical, demonstrable fact. Your bank balance, today’s date, whether or not you’re married.

Honesty is about feelings. If you’re honest, you are open and clear about how you feel. You can be truthful without being honest and you can be honest without being truthful (the latter a little more difficult). The best relationships, stating the painfully obvious, are both truthful and honest. Trust is built on both truth and honesty, tempered by the proof of predictability and reliability."

Hope this helps,
-ol' 2long