I mainly lurk on here....but I would appreciate any advice or previous experience with this.

This Friday my husbands work is having their annual Christmas party. It's a black tie event and there will be around 30-40 people including spouses and significant others.

I went out and bought an elegant evening dress, killer shoes, earrings, slip, and made an appointment to get my hair and nails done for the event.

My husband has been very supportive and compassionate towards me about this function. He said, "get whatever you need to feel good"...

The OW will be there. I have never met her, however I have seen pictures and she is a "knockout" and the ultimate "party gal".

I am going with the plan of conducting myself with the utmost class....however I feel alot of anxiety, as this is not a gathering one can disappear in.

What are some of the things I can do while I'm there to make this night a little easier, and if introduced to OW, should I act like I don't know her?

She is a secretary at my husbands firm and she is good friends with everyone practically. In fact my husband has skipped many - after work social gatherings because she is there. So everyone will have alot of camaraderie with her.

This may be a silly issue to some...but I thought some of you had similar experiences you could share..or at the very least a few words of advice.

Thank you to all on this board for your inspiring strength and determination for a better marriage. I would not be this far in recovery without it.

Rachel

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: Whistles75 ]</small>

I think you are on the right track. Making sure everything is perfect physically is good. The great dress, shoes, manicure. Get a facial before if you have time. Get your makeup done professionally. Walk in to that party like a queen. Keep your head held high. Fix a mantra in your head you can recite. "I am beautiful, my H loves me, I am a wonderful person." Take the high ground. Don't pretend you don't know this woman. Say something innocent but loaded like "How do you do? I've heard so much about you." Watch your tone. Maybe you can have some kind of secret word or signal with your husband where he knows you are in distress and he needs to get you out of a situation. If he sticks with you through this, you know you are truely in recovery. BTW: If she's such a party girl, you may not be the ONLY BS there...


If all else fails, I hope your pretty new shoes have sharp, pointy toes so it really hurts if you kick her in the shins. Just kidding....

Okay, I can't resist. I agree take the high ground. BUt definitely say something with a double meaning. For me, I prefer "Hi, WH has told me you are good at your chosen profession <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> "

Which is Homewrecker, Whore, adulteress, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , whatever. But make sure to smile when you say it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

yeah you're on the right track.. although it be easier if OW was ugly heheh.. anyways you're doing all the right things to feel good about yourself and..no there is no competition because you are not the one desperate enough to want a marry man <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... anyways bigups... have fuN! take a picture with that dress woman! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm not one for fashion...(ok I'm lying) but i can make rags look like a million bucks with just accesories! don't forget your BLING BLING (jewelry) shine your wedding ring too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

[looking her straight in the eye]

"Yes, we have been to a lot of the same places." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Honestly though..NC means NC..if one is there, the other should not be..forever. Is a formal NC not in place?

Noodle

I agree with noodle.

Your husband shouldn't put you in that situation in the first place. No contact means no contact. End of story.

In my view, the right thing would be for you and your husband to skip the party. Wear the fancy dress and go out for dinner and dancing - justt the two of you.

Thank you for replying

HurtingCarol-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Walk in to that party like a queen. Keep your head held high. Fix a mantra in your head you can recite. "I am beautiful, my H loves me, I am a wonderful person." Take the high ground. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will definitely use this - what a good idea!

FAA -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I prefer "Hi, WH has told me you are good at your chosen profession " </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL...It will take all I have not to say something exactly like this. Thanks for the laugh.

Harudah -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> don't forget your BLING BLING (jewelry) shine your wedding ring too </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sadly, in a moment of despair I threw mine out the window of my car one day after months of seeing he wasn't wearing his. However, I have been getting hints that Santa may put some bling under the tree for me this year! (humor)- I may get a "Kobe Bryant ring" after all!

Noodle -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Honestly though..NC means NC..if one is there, the other should not be..forever. Is a formal NC not in place? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well...yes and no.

He wrote a NC letter to her, however because his law degree is specialized, it is very difficult to find another job in our city. So we need the job, infact this has been very difficult to deal with, however after the affair he moved his office to the other side of the building, and uses the other secretary.

The managing partner is a faithful Christian, and had he found out about the affair - my husband and her would've been jobless immediately.

Because I was told well after it was over, there was no exposure.

I have no doubt he will not speak with her at this party or any other time unless prompted by the partners of the firm. It sucks, but we need his job and I am hoping we can move when I am finished student teaching.

In a nut shell - it is an unspoken expectation that we attend this party with "bells on".

- One other thing...
We are only staying for the dinner, they have reserved a theater for Kareoke after and through mutual agreement (POJA), my husband and I have decided we will politely excuse ourselves. (babysitter conflicts)

I can just see how that would go -

Rachel has a few glasses of wine and begins to enthusiastically sing Alanis Morisette songs to the audience...he he he

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: Whistles75 ]</small>

Whistles,

I hope this party goes well for you. It strikes me as a dangerous, phony, uncomfortable situation to be in.

You say there is an "unspoken expectation" that you'll be there. Will your husband be fired if he's NOT there? What if you had a sick child? What if you had a family emergency?

What will you do if there IS contact at the party?

The corporate world really stinks. There are all these expectations. Going to the company Christmas party, especially in a small firm would really be expected. I think Whistles only option is to go, strut her stuff and leave as quickly as is polite. The babysitter idea is genius. In my experience, having a sick child only excuses the spouse who doesn't work at the company.

On the bright side, at least his company does allow/encourage spouses to attend. I had a job once where at my interview I was told that no spouses were invited to the company Christmas. party. I interviewed in April! My H company doesn't have any kind of party at all. There is a kids' Christmas party but nothing else.

Keep the mantra going Whistle! If you get stuck, it will give you strength.

Whistles -

You know what works for me? I act like I don't even know she is the FOW. Of course I know, and she knows I know- actually everyone knows but I treat her exactly the same as I do everyone else at work. It makes life a lot easier, and more fun.

A little background -

This FOW was having an affair with my X when I was pregnant, we never recovered. 10 years later
she gets a job as customs officer at my port (I am a customs broker), I see her everyday and have to communicate with her.

It's mind over matter- show all what a GREAT classy lady you are and have a good time with hour husband!

I understand how the corporate world works. And certainly, there is a lot of merit in weaver's suggestion about pretending not to know what you know - and what she knows you know.

Still, unless there is an explicit threat to fire your H if he doesn't attend the party, I'd look for something else to do.

Is the issue here that you want the OW to see that you and your H are moving forward?

You know what I would do I would so I am so glad we have this chance to meet My H has spoken of you and I understand you can be really funny- we have have alot of laughs. Charmed !! and smile, smile , smile, When I saw one of my ex's my girlfriend and I went in ladies room after her and talked about our upcoming 2nd honeymoon and how sexy it was gonna be. She came out a few minutes later and her eyes were red from crying. Let me tell you I felt great - she got drunk and looked foolish.

W,

Whew, glad I've not been faced with this situation. However, I would like to think I would act with grace and class.

I am happy you and your husband have POJA the situation, therefore he's done what he needs to do to make you feel safe.

One other thought is to be sure you communicate your expectations of him in advance. ie - no conversation with FOW at all; he should be very, very attentive to you especially when within range of FOW. And agree what "success" looks like. It sounds to me like the two of you are working together - so it will feel like you're in step together and she's the odd person out!

That's what I cherish about this board the most....good advice because we all understand where we are coming from.

Andrew -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your husband shouldn't put you in that situation in the first place. No contact means no contact. End of story.

In my view, the right thing would be for you and your husband to skip the party. Wear the fancy dress and go out for dinner and dancing - just the two of you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I totally agree with you Andrew, and my husband wanted to do just that....however through further conversation we both realized his job security is very important to the both of us. He would do whatever it takes to make me happy ...but we both have to enthusiastically agree.

In the past, before the affair my husband doted on me at the expense of himself...he stuffed his feelings and eventually his love bank was depleted... so I am fine with going to the dinner however we are not going to join for the entertainment portion.

As always there are a million details to include, but I will mention one important fact that may make more sense on why we should go.

Last year we did not go, and the boss made a comment to him the next day. My husband basically has to prove himself as do others in the firm, to get raises and promotions. Everything is based on performance and commitment - so it can get very stressful for him at times.

We did not go last year because at the time he was in the height of the affair and put his reservation in for himself and not me. I did not know of the affair at the time, so he gave me the excuse that he had confided in a few people about our troubles and didn't want me to feel uncomfortable.

-- mam oh man , the lies they weave.---

Anyhoo...I bought into it, however I knew something was not right so I put my foot down - if he went, it was over between us. He stayed home that night.

So we can't miss it again this year...we're kinda out of excuses....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hope this party goes well for you. It strikes me as a dangerous, phony, uncomfortable situation to be in.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is is in a way...although a few months ago I would have not been able to go.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is the issue here that you want the OW to see that you and your H are moving forward?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to address this: A few months ago I cared what she thought...I don't anymore. I still have days like everyone else, but I realized at some point along in this process the OW never gave a sh*t about me or my marriage, or even my husband. This isn't the first time for her nor will it be the last. ( A fact my husband didn't find out till later).

She is not a principalled person. She has no morals, no class, and she has no experience with committed, intimate relationships. She preys on married men, especially ones who are in vulnerable situations - like having a baby or marital troubles.

Hurting Carol -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think Whistles only option is to go, strut her stuff and leave as quickly as is polite. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's exactly the plan. I will admit there is a part of me that feels I need to go. To walk in on my husband's arm and enjoy crabcakes and a good steak is what will do. I thinks it's important in a way that I make my presence known. I am his wife and an important part of his life.

Weaver -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know what works for me? I act like I don't even know she is the FOW. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This idea sounds really good...along with my mantra I think I will use this technique...thanks!


CSue -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One other thought is to be sure you communicate your expectations of him in advance. ie - no conversation with FOW at all; he should be very, very attentive to you especially when within range of FOW. And agree what "success" looks like. It sounds to me like the two of you are working together - so it will feel like you're in step together and she's the odd person out!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what we have done...however you have brought up a few loose ends we should tie up before going. We have talked many times about this, however there are always a few things you don't think of...Thanks!!

Realtor...

Thanks for making me laugh...lol. I definately will put a smile on.

Thanks everyone,

Rachel

I've been going to Xmas parties (& retirement, promotion, family day picnics)with the FOW in attendance for years. And now am in 1-2 monthly military family support meetings with her as our H's are deployed together.

I look through her. I would advise you NOT to be introduced to her, there's got to be someplace better to be, even in a small room.

Keep your head up, enjoy yourself as much as possible, and stay at your H's side, again, as much as possible.

I see other posters are saying maybe you should not go, but personally, I don't see why the OW's presence should ever interfere with something the BS wants to do or where they want to go. That's giving away power for no good reason. Unless you think you'll fall into a weeping heap at the sight of her, then...you shouldn't attempt it.

But...you've already got the dress <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />