So I have posted here and there and I am still not sure how to handle my sich. Found out my husband had met a woman golfing and traded cell phone #'s. He then followed up 2 months later and met her for drinks. I found out and the sh*# hit the fan. I demanded he call her and tell her he couldn't continue seeing her BECAUSE HE WAS MARRIED!!!! Little fact he left out. He then decided he needed to move out to have time to think. Found an apt that he hasn't really furnished except for a bed. He has said that there has been NC although I did find out he called her again. He has changed his password on his computer and I have no access to his cell phone or bill, so I have no idea if the EA is continuing or not. We are both getting IC and both are on AD's. However whenever we are together we end up fighting because I want to talk about how to make the marriage work, ie EN's, getting back the trust etc. All he says is that he doesn't know what he wants, stop pushing him...get a clue...leave me alone, yet....we are working on the marriage. When I bring up divorce he gets mad and says..."well I guess you've made the decision then" and throws the blame of not trying to work things out on me. Someone said that SH's take on a WH moving out is so that they can continue the A. Do I go on assumming that and drop all contact? If he is telling me there is NC and I have no proof one way or the other, how do I get trust back. He tells me it is my problem if I don't trust him. He is the Taker and I am at the end of my rope. Is this guy truely wacked or is there hope?

Yes, he's truly whacked, and yes, there is truly hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

No guarantees of course..but as he very likely IS carrying on an EA/PA [sorry to be so blunt..just seen this scenario play out too many times to discount the great likelyhood, I do realize that for you this revelation is excruciating <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ] he is following the script almost to the letter.

There are several books, available even on this site that can educate you about the dynamics of an affair and aid you in making your plans.

A general outline..if you want to try to salvage the marriage

Plan A [this is during the A..he is not committed to you..probably the opposite]

Plan B [This is to protect you and will also probably knock him off the fence if he is on one.]

Both of these are described in detail for free right here on this very site..if you agree with what you read, follow up with the more extended versions in the books and perhaps arrange for a custom fit with one of the counselors. This is not free..but priceless according to those who have benefitted from it.

Sorry to see you here, but pleased to meet you

Noodle

Well Noodle, I can't Plan A because he won't move back. So a modified Plan B seems to be the way to go. When I have tried to set boundaries he flat our refuses them and basically says...if you don't like it then do what you have to do.

I almost feel as if he truely wants out of the marriage, but will not be the one to file for divorce. He has lots to lose financially and there are children involved. He wants to be able to say that I gave up on the marriage when in truth I am the only one trying to meet EN's and work thru things. Much like Bear and Native have mentioned about their situations, I feel it is just a mtter of time when I can not handle any more without losing myself. My 12y/o D has seen the pain I am in and wraps her arms around me. She said to me yesterday. "I know you love him Mom, but if someone treated me that way and didn't care about me....I'd divorce him no problem." This is her own father she is talking about. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You can plan A from a distance..

I'm not experienced with the specifics..but I know it can and has been done.

I suggest maybe change your title to ask for plan A from a distance help


Noodle

I can't Plan A because he won't move back.
Yes you can Plan A even if he is not living with you.

So a modified Plan B seems to be the way to go.
Is this what Steve Harley told you?
Plan B is not something you should modify, especially without professional guidance.

Have you read, "Surviving An Affair"?