Often, a newbie FWS will come here and ask, "what is a reasonable length of time that I need to give my spouse until they trust me again?"

Usually, they are feeling "put upon" or tired with having to continue being an open book for their spouse. It is understandable. But I just wanted to share with you something my FWS just did, and this is 2.5 years after d-day.

He sent me the following email this morning:

"I was going to download a new version of Roxio CD Burner but they required an email address. I didn't want a bunch of junk coming to my comcast acct. so I opened a new Yahoo acct. I didn't want you to freak out or anything so here is
the information . . . ."

Then he provided the email account name and he knew I would know the password. It just warmed my heart that he thought of me, and that he has never been upset to be an open book to me since dday #2. And though I have felt "safe" with him and have not felt as though he would hide things from almost two years now, he is still, on his own, protecting our marriage and my feelings by sending me this note.

So, wondering newbie FWS's, how long does it take to make your FBS feel cherished, protected and loved? It takes as long as you care to continue making them feel cherished, protected and loved.

~ Snow

Snowbelle,

We are in complete agreement.

There are two meanings to this question that I am aware of.

1) How long until my BS stops jumping at shadows and extends me some credit?

Well, my answer to this would be that every individual is different..but as an aid to understanding I would be personally willing to shoot you in the back.. and when you have recovered enough to function semi-normally..to resume your regularly schedualed program..you just let me know how long it takes for you to stop jumping at every BANG! you hear whether it is a gunshot or not. About that long.

2) How long do I have to open my life up to this degree?

This is the answer that will be met with even less cheer.

The changes are permanent. In fact, they ought to have been present from the beginning and the lack of them probably aided the affair at every opportunity.

The level of disclosure that they are now living with is the norm the gold standard. It is what two people who have integrated thier lives need to extend to each other..they build intimacy and prevent secret lives from manifesting.

As a matter of fact..the resistance that is being offered by questioning this..usually indicates to me that a FWS is about to slide..or is trying to..or has another secret yet unconfessed. I'm usually right.

The first question demonstrates a lack of empathy, the second a lack of genuine permanent change. Either way, it is disquieting, and I always wonder, just what lies still around the corner for the couple in question when I hear it.

Noodle