Something I have to fess up to...I've become something of a coward lately.

Here's the situation: I am an officer in our PTA. I used to spend a lot of time working on school-related issues. But..since the A, I've only been to one meeting (there have been three).

There are two reasons for this:

1.) I really don't care right now. I feel like all of the energy I have has to go into my marriage. All of the issues and work that I used to find so important doesn't seem that way to me anymore. I just am not motivated to deal with it.

2.) The OM's wife is a member - and a pretty active one. She goes to all of the meeting. At the first meeting after D-day, she accosted me. Basically, she caught me in the hallway and called my wife a liar. She said a lot of things that really bothered me. I told myself beforehand that I would be able to deal with it, that I could work with her without any fear or resentment. (She knew about the A for more than a month, and didn't tell me.) But..it proved too much for me. I'm usually not the docile type. But, darn it..I guess I'm just scared of something like this happening again. And to be frank, I just have a hard time looking her in the face, knowing what I know about her, her husband, and my wife and the whole sordid drama that played out among them.

Now...here's the cowardly part. I know what I need to do: I need to resign.

I am letting everyone down with this limbo state - and I can't keep claiming to have "a family function" every month. But..I haven't done so yet. I think the reason for that is that I feel that I will probably have to explain WHY I am resigning. Is it enough to say that I am quitting for "personal reasons" and to leave it at that?

One other consideration: this is already a pretty small organization to begin with. Am I naieve to believe that other people don't already know/suspect what happened? And..if I quit, it will probably be hard to find someone to replace me right away. Is it fair to do that to the group just so that I can have some peace of mind?

As an alternative: is it fair/legitimate to ask the OS not to attend these meetings?

You can only control what you can control. If these functions are too difficult and they are voluntary, then you can choose to withdraw. The A always inconvient and leaves scars. That's part of life. Your W is responsible for this mess. The PTA and you are one of it's casualties.

I am sure your PTA associates would understand more than you may realize. Just say you have urgent business to attend to and will come back at a later date when possible.

OM's W has to make her own decisions. Right now she wants to take it out on others instead of what she has control of. That is not good. Her personal recovery depends on what she can fix for herself and her family, not venting on others.

JMHO,
L.

I feel for you Andrew. It seems like this affair business just takes over ones life. I've been struggling for the last month to balance my ongoing obligations with the pain, lack of energy and stress I feel. I'm certain that each and every person I come in contact with can see it. Maybe not but it's there. However, when I feel like I can't go on, I remember what an important part I play in the infrastructure of my community. Does my WS realize that the crap he dumped on us effects not only me and our kids but his family, my family, our neighbors, the little girls in my Girl Scout troop, the kids on the sports teams, the classroom at school, the people I dance with...Big domino effect.

Here's my advice: If you think what you are doing in the PTA is something important to you and is a worthwhile, productive activity, then keep on doing it. Being involved in your children's education is always a good thing. If you need to be away from it, tell the president you need to take a break for personal reasons. That tells the committee they can't depend on you right now and can ease your way out of the PTA.

I think you need to schedule a meeting with OMW somewhere safe and neutral. She seems pretty ostrich-y. She's taking her anger out on you when it should be direct at them. She has her own stuff to work through. OMW could be an important ally to you. If nothing else, you are part of a small community and you will be running into each other FOREVER.

Don't shrink. Meet the challenge head on.

Andrew, YOUR wife and YOUR marriage takes precedence over everything else. I understand that you feel a "pull" to be helpful in the PTA, but you can be a member later or active in the PTA later on. Right now, though, you need to be focused on your marriage, IMHO.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The OM's wife is a member - and a pretty active one. She goes to all of the meeting.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, before going any further, let's agree that the OM's wife is also probably hurting and reacting out of her hurt and pain.

Having said that, her involvement in the PTA is probably a way to "stay busy," to not have to deal with HER husband's affair, and may also be part of her problem in her marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At the first meeting after D-day, she accosted me. Basically, she caught me in the hallway and called my wife a liar. She said a lot of things that really bothered me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, and her husband isn't a liar also? Lying is part and parcel of an affair, as we all know. It sounds like she is "taking her anger out" on you. Those of us who have been through an affair know just how crazy an affair makes a BS and how we want to "strike out" at something or somebody in response. She may actually be a very caring sort of person, but mentally she is probably pretty messed up right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told myself beforehand that I would be able to deal with it, that I could work with her without any fear or resentment. (She knew about the A for more than a month, and didn't tell me.)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm curious why she knew about the affair and didn't say anything to you and now she attacks YOU as being somehow responsible for your spouse's poor choices. I understand the reluctance to expose an affair to an unsuspecting spouse, but to then "go after you" seems like she has pretty poor coping skills and probably has a poor idea of how to "win her husband back." She probably needs a place like MB to help her too.

As for your working with her without and "fear or resentment," it's a nice thought, but highly unreasonable when dealing with a trauma on such a personal level. Once again, she has chosen to "attack" rather than to figure out what happened and what needs to be changed in their marriage. The same need to focus on YOUR marriage holds true for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But..it proved too much for me. I'm usually not the docile type. But, darn it..I guess I'm just scared of something like this happening again. And to be frank, I just have a hard time looking her in the face, knowing what I know about her, her husband, and my wife and the whole sordid drama that played out among them.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right now your "Bank Account" is overdrawn, or at least on "life support." There isn't enough to spend on "other things" that are not essential to your marriage. While you may have a legitimate "want" to be involved in the PTA to help others, you need to reserve your "capital" for what is NEEDED. Right now that need is your marriage. It will take all of your resources for the time being. Later on, when you are well on your way to recovery, and you bank account is filling up again, you will be able to get some of those "wants" met again.

There is NOTHING to beat yourself up over regarding this. Your marriage is a NEED, not a want. PTA is a WANT not a need. You are NOT accountable for what others, including the OM's wife may think. You are accountable only for your own actions. If you were to put other people's needs ahead of your own wife and marriage, what message would that really send to others? Isn't part of the PTA message responsibility at HOME first? Being involved in your children's lives and creating a home environment that is conducive to, and supportive of, your FAMILY first?

Perhaps if you simply view it as being true to the message you will find it easier to back off of PTA involvement at this time. Besides, just what sort of impact do you think you might have on other families if your family falls apart because you chose to spend your precious time on something other than your own family?

There ARE many consequences to affairs. Most of them are negative and touch the lives of many others.

God bless.