Hi Folks another lost soul,

History:

Together for 13 years married for seven and two D 6 & 3 1/2. Been a bad year for my wife at work, success is how she defines her worth as a person. Mid October her behaviour toward me was very hurtful and eventually we stopped speaking for two weeks. I e-mailed her at work to say that we needed to sort things out and she agreed. She came home and told me she does not know if she loves me anymore! My world crumbled? where did this come from?

W said she needed some time away to see if she felt anything for me and to 'Get her head straight' She left and went to a friends house on the Wednesday. She rang Thursday morning to say good morning to the girls and the same Friday morning and night. Friday night I asked how she was feeling? W said that she missed us and I asked what the girls or me as well? She replied me as well. I did not push but said come home then. She said no she needed more time so I said OK. She rang again Saturday morning and was cold, same Saturday night. I was really confused and fearing the worst. Sunday she came home to take our eldest to her Drama class. I tried to keep things under control but asked a few questions about how she was feeling. She responded kindly and we ended up both going to the drama class so that we could talk some more. She ended up telling me that it was not my fault but hers and her lack of confidence etc. I tried to comfort her and asked her to come back so that we could work on it and that we would solve any problems. We kissed and held hands but she said that she needed more time and I reluctantly agreed.

Over the next three days she continued to call but was cold again after the Monday. She returned home on the Wednesday saying that she did not want to come back but was missing the girls. Basically she did not over me anymore and thought we should finish/divorce as cheaply as possible.

To cut it all short she has manipulated me into moving out (15 Nov) taking nearly all my belongings. I have the girls 3 nights a week and she has them four. My eldest tells me that three days after I moved out her xbf of thirteen years ago has been to the house every day but not stopped over as far as she knows.

Everything she has said to me about the reason for this separation have been FOG I am convinced about that. I have confronted her about the xbf who she left as he beat her and forced her to do anal sex. She has now invited her Mum and Dad to stay (they both hate me for some reason) and basically filled the house with anyone that dislikes me.

Every effort I have made to solve this situation has been met with what I can only describe as pure nastiness. She won't discuss anything with me at all. No counselling no nothing. We had agreed that we would set a date of 15 Feb to see if things had changed for her and that we would not see anybody until then. She insists that xbf is a friend only!

Do you guys think she is mad or am I? or am I being used?

Also How do I go about getting through to her. She is so cold and is also not as loving with the girls. Her Mum now does things that she used to love doing with them.

I have to add that I have not been the best of H due to depression it now appears (although that could be fog also) but I have never hit her, drank to excess, done drugs A's and I have always loved her. She was until this the most lovely and beautiful wife and Mum you could want.
She even told me that she knew 100% that I loved her and was NEVER worried about me straying.

Am I being stupid by loving her with all my heart and still defending her to those that say move on...

iloveher

Good luck. I think it's hard for people who really focused on their work when it goes bad. If you don't have other things to fall back on, like your family and friends or other sources of self-esteem like family, hobbies or interests, things can get bad.

Maybe she's at a point where she felt she needed to change. Her Ds are out of the baby stage. Her work is crap. She doesn't appreciate her husband. Up walks old BF and voila! Old BF can be tricky things.

I'd get my own IC. I'd also cover myself legally. I'd do my best to be there for my kids. Especially if WW is letting OM around them. I find that really bad. What are her parents saying? February seems like a long ways away. I wouldn't have the patience for that.

I agree with HC - she sounds like she's having an identity crisis. How old is she?

It's also almost certain she's having an affair. Those erratic moods - "I want to try to find my feelings for you" followed by pure coldness - those are classic WW stuff.

I wish you would move back into your house. In many states, if you have moved out and she files, your claim on the family home will be jeopardized. It may already be a problem because you're a man.

GC

Move back home ... no matter what she says. If she wants a separation ... SHE moves out and leaves YOU at home with the kids.

After you move back home... start Plan A...

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iloveher:
She insists that xbf is a friend only!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah... sure ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Tell ya what... you investigate this "friend" and find out if he's married... (hope he is) ... Contact his wife if he is married and discuss the "friendship"... OK?

Hire a PI if you need to.

This is NOT the time to be passive and "hope for the best" .... this is the time to take defensive and protective action ...

again

*** MOVE BACK HOME ASAP***

Pep

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 08:04 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pretty Stupid.

Get your [censored] back into your house. Contact a lawyer as soon as possible. You have left your home so your wife can now be with her boyfriend.
Yes it is pretty stupid. Move back immediately.
If she does not like then her she has to leave since she is seeing her boyfriend. All you have done is enable her to be in an affair with her boyfriend. Open your eyes and take action now!
I hate to say this but your wife is not the only one in a fog. Look in the mirror.

Thanks for the replies guys.

I am in the UK so the law is slightly different with regard to property but I do see what you are saying to me.

Personally I don't think it is a P/A for the simple reason it can't have been happening that long if it was. Apart from the week my W went to her friends to think we have not really been apart for years..

This guy is a real looser which is why she dumped him years ago. He is however very dumb and would do anything she wanted without question to try and get back with her I guess. I feel she is having or at least trying to have an E/A with him to see if it makes her feel better. I think to her he is the safe option to which she does not have to commit emotionally/sexually which is what she is struggling with.

My W is 32 and I am 35. My wife was sexually abused by her brothers in her childhood, she told her Mum who did nothing and she is not sure if her Dad did anything to her or not. So why on Earth would she surround herself with people that have hurt her deeply in the past? The only thing they have in common is their dislike of me.

Kind Regards,

iloverher

Hi all,

I do truly believe that she still loves me and that is why I am finding it to understand how she can do this?

I suppose I really need ideas of how to break down the walls she has surrounded herself with so we can get open and honest with each other I pray that God lifts the fog for her before she goes onto a P/A with this guy.

Kind Regards,

iloveher

Move back into the house. Don't allow her to stop you.

Do not talk yourself into thinking this isn't as bad as it could be. When my W admitted to her EA, I thought, thank goodness, I can plan A her and she'll have NC and it will all blow over and we'll get it together.

She needed "time alone to think". She needed to "figure out her feelings for me". For a while, when she ran off to stay with friends, that's exactly what she did. But after a few times where she left and honestly just stayed at a friend's house, she started sneaking off to meet up with OM, and pretty soon, BOOM.

GC