Without LB all over the place?

Yes, Noodle is right. This is eating me alive. I have to put an end to this one way or another.

OW called from work to WH's work cell. I looked at his cell phone tonight. He is now on his way home from band practice.

He will probably say "It was only business." I've told him before - NC, whatsoever, in any form.

I am struggling for breath.

K

It's very slow here tonight.

I am busy talking to myself....re-reading Noodle's comments about my inability to act.

Noodle is right. I need to act.

I hate this everyday $hit I go thru. It is killing me.

K

K,

it's morning time here, now. Wanna talk???

bb

k72172,

First things first, lovely one. Breathe. Seriously, take several deep, slow breaths right now. In-2-3-4...Out-2-3-4. Another!

Next, I will be blunt. Up until this point, you have been telling your WH that contact with OW is not acceptable. For quite some time now, you have had evidence compounding daily that your WH is continuing to be in contact, yet you have allowed it. K72172, I believe you have made a promise to yourself that you will not continue to be in a triangle with the OW, WH and yourself--and yet you have allowed it to continue.

The real panic, tonight, is that part of you KNOWS that this is it. If you allow this to continue, now that you have undeniable proof, you will not be able to trust YOURSELF. You will not be able to depend upon YOURSELF to protect yourself or keep your self-worth.

Lovely K72172, this is it. You do not need to LB to your WH. NC is a requirement, and it is not your job to "police" him; it is HIS job to prove to you that he is willingly maintaining NC. Thus, for tonight...breathe. Breathe. Then, detach from the emotional force of the moment, and state this very simply, "NC was a requirement, and it has not been maintained. I am no longer willing to hear your explanations and excuses, so I will be taking some time to myself tonight to consider my options and reach a decision. I told you that contact hurt me too much, and I told you that I would not tolerate OW in our M, and you chose to continue to hurt me and maintain contact. That is your decision. I do not wish to discuss it ANY FURTHER tonight; I will let you know when I am ready to tell you MY decision."

I am not necessarily advocating ending your M or making ultimatums or threats. I AM advocating that you stop ignoring obvious contact, and that you very strongly consider Plan B. At this time you do not need to discuss it, and at this time you do not need to make a decision. Dwell on it, have him sleep on the couch, and make a WISE decision when you are not in the midst of this emotional crisis.


CJ

It's morning here now.

WH came home. When I got in bed, I calmly asked him if there was anything about his day that he wanted to tell me.

He said no. I told him I had looked at his phone, and that OW had called him today.

He said he had not talked to her. I told him the number I saw on his call log. He said he had not talked to her. To get the phone and look at it.

So I did. The phone # had a different prefix than OW's #. I saw the last 4 numbers, and jumped to a conclusion.

I told WH I was sorry I had jumped to a conclusion, and that I was wrong. He told me he just didn't care about anything anymore.

I told him he needed to try and understand where I was coming from. All the feelings I have inside about this whole thing....the anger, the frustration, the fear, the sadness, that I need to get them out because they are killing me. And that I felt he needed to accept those feelings.

WH said he deserves anything that I do to him.

I replied that I have not DONE anything to him.

He just said "I know".

In truth, he was not angry. Which surprised me greatly.

I felt much better telling him about the feelings I have, and that I feel that he should accept my feelings.

I did not LB. I was very calm. Talked in a low voice. I was very proud of myself.

I was ready to tell him that he needed to decide...me or her. Be in the marriage, or out of it. I'm still ready to say those words should the occasion rise.

But, in all honesty, this morning, I can see that not talking about my feelings to WH and not acting on the NC issue is killing me. I decided last night that it no longer matters to me if WH stays, or leaves. I will no longer put off confrontations with WH. My life is going MY way.

Period. This whole thing isn't worth losing my sanity and my health over.

K

Just talked to WH for about 30 minutes on the phone while he was on his way to work.

It was just mostly about his band. WH is a perfectionist. I pointed that out to him. Also talked a lot about how everyone is not the same. And that he needs to learn to accept others as they are.

Mostly, I was very surprised that he called. I figured that he would not talk to me at all today.

I feel like a load has been lifted from my shoulders. I have made a decision. I will stick to it. I need some respect...from WH, but mostly from myself.

I will be glad to talk to SH tomorrow. Perhaps he can help us move forward. We are stalled right now in this bad place. I can see how MC is a tool that has to be used in order to fix things in a M. On our own, we will not be able to move forward. We need a plan. SH has said that to me.

I agree.

No longer "freaked out". I'm calm inside. I can see thru my own fog. Having made a decision in favor of myself is a relief. I know that I cannot do this alone, that WH has to participate also. If he cannot, then I have decided that I will be better off on my own.

Simple, really. It takes two to make a marriage.

K

K,

I haven't got much to say except that I find it a good thing that he phoed you and talked with you.

If you were not important to him he surely wouldn't of taken that step or.......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Try to stay calm and wait until tomorrow with SH.

I'm happy that you're feeling a bit better now.

hugs
bb

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
<strong> Just talked to WH for about 30 minutes on the phone while he was on his way to work.

It was just mostly about his band. WH is a perfectionist. I pointed that out to him. Also talked a lot about how everyone is not the same. And that he needs to learn to accept others as they are.

Mostly, I was very surprised that he called. I figured that he would not talk to me at all today.

I feel like a load has been lifted from my shoulders. I have made a decision. I will stick to it. I need some respect...from WH, but mostly from myself.

I will be glad to talk to SH tomorrow. Perhaps he can help us move forward. We are stalled right now in this bad place. I can see how MC is a tool that has to be used in order to fix things in a M. On our own, we will not be able to move forward. We need a plan. SH has said that to me.

I agree.

No longer "freaked out". I'm calm inside. I can see thru my own fog. Having made a decision in favor of myself is a relief. I know that I cannot do this alone, that WH has to participate also. If he cannot, then I have decided that I will be better off on my own.

Simple, really. It takes two to make a marriage.

K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Glad to see this post, K. You are at a turning point that you will never regret. Why? Because you have decided you are going to move forward for the right reasons. With or without your H is not as critical as with or without your sanity and dignity.

Being M is important to us and sometimes clouds our vision of happiness. Living with a WS or even Xws who refuses to become a caring and loving spouse, doesn't bring happiness. It is not even long suffereing....more like suffering too long.

Continue in your postive steps. Hope your H catches up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

All the best,
L.

Hi k <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks all....

I DO feel calm now. I think finally deciding what I really want was the turning point.

Right now I feel that WH can't hurt me more than he already has. And I will not accept more hurt from him either.

I feel that getting so wrapped up in his $hit is what was killing me.

Also, reading the post "spend or invest" makes a lot of things clear. I want to invest my time and energy with someon who wants to do the same with me.

Am looking forward to talking with SH tomorrow. I know he can help.

Thanks again, K

K,

Just wanted to check up on you. How are things???

hugs
bb