I have been separated from my husband for almost a year now because he can't or won't stop drinking. I originally told my daughter that her father and I agreed to separate temporarily because of some "adult problems" and that we were praying about the situation. I know it was all too vague, and I haven't told her much else after all this time. She knows now that I made him leave and wonders why. She feels sorry for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I've never wanted to say anything to diminish their relationship. He loves us, but is unwilling to get help for his recovery at this point. I don't want to say something I'll regret. What is an appropriate explanation for a 7-yr old? Anything I reveal to her is also going to make him angry... but it's wrong to let her feel sorry for him when he does have options. She shouldn't have to deal with any of this mess, but what can anyone suggest for minimal damage control? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Ask her what she wants or needs to know and based on her response tell her the truth.

Something like:

D: I want to know why dad is not home. I miss him.

BS: I want dad home also but right now due to these adult problems he is dealing with, he knows he has some habits which are not healthy for us to be around. Your father does love us but these bad habits control him more than his love for us. We need to be patient and maybe when he is ready, he will get the help he needs.

D: What kind of problem does dad have?

BS: Honey, I can't say but maybe you need to ask your dad to explain it to you. I do know it is a difficult problem and some of the adults who have it, ask for someone to help them.

D: I am too scared to talk to dad. I am afraid it might hurt his feelings.

BS: I understand. Maybe you could write a short letter to him?

D: I think I can do that. Ok I will. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BS: <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Sounds like a plan. I am proud of you dear D. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If you need help on it, let me know but is s/b word on how you feel and what questions it is raising for you.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks so much, Orchid. Your suggestions make sense. I couldn't think of words to use, my mind is in a funk from dealing with so many issues. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I have to find a job and consider the possibility that this may eventually end in divorce. Not what I want, by any means, but all the promises I hear from WH have no action behind them. I hate it that the kids suffer the most and that I can't prevent it, only soften the blow. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

WH is in denial, doesn't think things are so bad between us, regardless of my spelling it out for him. Won't seek prof. help, thinks he just has to try harder to quit. A year later, you think he'd try a new approach. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I realized too late that I posted this under Infidelity, which is not my issue, so thanks for responding anyway. Do you know of a way to forward it to another forum? (I'm new.) I really appreciate your suggestions and will talk to my daugher real soon. Grace and peace to you.

I agree to answer any questions she has. It's the detail that can bog you down. Don't give too much detail at first, she will ask to the level she wants to know...

How to explain problem drinking or alcoholism to a young child...

Dad is not feeling well, he has a sickness. He is doing what he can to get better, but he is still sick. It is not the kind of sickness that you or I can catch, but it is the kind of sickness that can hurt us by the way he acts. He has the power to get better, but he doesn't know it. Your Dad drinks. I need to give him his peace so he can find out how strong he is. I hope he gets better, but it is all up to him. He is choosing to stay sick right now, but I don't think he thinks he can get better. This is a tough time for him. And it is hard to stand by and not help, but it is up to him. It is not our fault.


Just some possibilities. I know at school the counselor talks to the kids about alcoholism, abuse, many other tender topics. I can tell when they have the alcoholism talk because H and I can't get away with a beer (and we drink rarely) without the kids tut-tutting us and saying, "Mommy, you're an alcoholic."

Once again, answer her questions, go into detail if she wants. Not enough details and she will fill in the gaps. And the way a child's mine spins is they will generally find fault with themself...

I would take the same tack as I do with questions about sex with my boys. If a question is asked you answer it. Truthfully... but you don`t elaborate and you only answer the question that has been asked. Kids will only ask questions that they want answers too and if you explain too much it can get confusing for them.

As much as we would like to to have one conversation and clear the air all at once kids can`t process too much at one sitting. They do better if they have time to think about your answer and then decide if and when they want more info.

Another suggestion is to start the discussion asking what they know already...it helps to dispel any erroneous notions.

I learned this the hard way, but will always remember it.

My 10 year old DS and 6 year old DD were sitting int he car, I jumped in and my DS chuckled and said "DD doesn't know what "Douche" means..."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> What!!!

I started off by asking hwo he heard it, but not waiting for a reply went into a lecture about how it is something women use, it's mostly water than they use to clean a part of their body that only women have...went into an explanation of that part of the body I'll leave off here...went on to explain someitmes it is used as an insult, usually by people who like the way it sounds and don't know what it is.

I asked again, where did he hear it? Kids at school, please don't use it as an insult...

He said, "You know, my "douche" class."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> "Ooooooohhhhhhhh, your DEUTSCH class.........Never Mind."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillHereMakingIt:
<strong> "DD doesn't know what "Douche" means..."
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually "douche" means "shower' in french. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And the french "phoque" means "seal' in english.

My bilingual boys have big fun with that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The way I dealt with interesting words/phrases that came out of my boys mouths when they when they were little was to explain to them EXACTLY what they just said. Too much info...they were horrified <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and I didn`t hear those words/ phrases again until they were older <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: Daisy37 ]</small>

You have received some good support and suggestions. I wish Melody Lane or Bramble Rose were here. They are great at helping families deal with alocholism issues.

Have you tried the support groups for AA in your area? They may have some suggestions on how to deal with it for your children.

In our area there is a program put on by the police called D.A.R.E. that is given to the elementary school age children. It covers alcohol, smoking and drugs. Quite impressive. One of the children asked in a Q/A session that if alcohol and smoking were the #1 & 2 killers or causes or accidents in this area, why are they legal? Good question. The officer had to be skillful with that one. Also that question is on the minds of many children. Mine still pummels me with that one about every other week. BTW, I don't smoke but occasionally drink and he is definitely my visual conscience. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

In our area, there was also a show about a drug called "ICE", very popular among the teenagers and young adults. Yesterday there was a short story about a young girl around 7 - 8 years old whose parents both are Ice crackheads and the children have been removed from their custody and given to the grandmother. The young girl saw the show and realized that what she had been witnessing in her home was her parents doing ICE. She recognized the instruments from the TV show. She began to cry and ask why did her parents have to take this drug and ruin their lives. She was angry at her father for not only ruining his life but the lives of her and her sister (who is even younger). This was sooo sad. But it drew home the strong point that children are not blind to badness and we need to let them have their say.

JMHO,
L.