I had a great night with my WW tonight. It felt like we were friends again. We had one of the most open and honest conversations that we have ever had in our entire relationship over dinner. We understood each other and connected more as best friends that spouses.

The A is OVER and NC is WORKING. I am convinced of this. I can see it when my WW is really speaking what is on her mind. One of the best parts is, I spoke my mind, too.

Our conversation covered the following. Perhaps we are too young and immature to remain happily married. For the past couple years, we have both asked ourselves, "There must be more to life that this." Sure, we have had some great times together, times I will never forget. We both feel that we haven't truly connected since the early days of our relationship.

It was an odd conversation, but comforting. It made me feel confident that there could be a happier life without WW. We both agree that we could definitely be great friends if it did end in divorce. She did not have to convice me of any of this. It was an open-minded conversation about the BIG PICTURE. Not just how I can make her happy, but what would genuinely make us both happy.

We are still going to counseling on Friday because afterall, there is still be a chance that we could be happiest TOGETHER. We are still young and have the rest of our lives ahead of us. What a feeling...to think your life was about to hit rock bottom, then both realizing that there could be happiness on both sides of the coin. We did this together. I don;t know if this post really makes any sense, especially if you compare to my last posts, but I have a good feeling inside. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have I totally lost it??

Dkelly,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The A is OVER and NC is WORKING. I am convinced of this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you know this? Why would your W want to divorce you if she were over and done with the OM??? I think that she's trying to pull a fast one on you and get you to agree to a divorce quickly so she can go be with the OM... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I was 24 and my W was 18 when we married... so we were pretty young too.

It's good that you and your W had a good 'heart to heart' talk with each other... that's a good start towards becoming more connected and intimate (in a non-sexual) way with your W.

Of course you both have the choice to end the M if you want... but I don't think that it's going to solve either of your problems... You will BOTH still have relational issues that you need to work through with whoever you eventually end up with...

Divorcing isn't going to solve any of your W's problems or your problems... I suspect that if you agree to this with your W, that she will end up with the OM within a month...

Do you want to fight for your M or are you willing to give up? It's YOUR choice...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Thanks RIF for your insight. I can definitely see how this situation could be a WW setting up a gullible BH.

We both agreed that we sped through getting married without too much time to think about it (planned wedding in 3 days due to my expected Nat'l Guard deployment). We do not want to rush things again with as important of a decision as getting a divorce. We are still going to attend counseling to try to get our marriage back together and see if both of us CAN genuinely be happy together. She/we will take the time to make an informed decision.

For a little background, we have talked about getting a divorce many times before this, things just haven't gotten this in the past. The first couple of times we talked about it (approx 1 yr ago), we both agreed that neither of us were happy in the relationship and perhaps we jumped the gun getting married. After that conversation, we ignored the problems and continued to go on with our lives. We had a similar conversation about divorce approx 6 months ago and again ignored the problems.

This most recent time we talked about it (approx 2 months before Thanksgiving) the same occurred. We both agreed that we had a lot of problems that were probably rooted to the fact that we felt rushed into marriage without thinking about it and we are so young. When she admitted the A, I felt as if we had to revive our marriage, the A showing me how seriously bad our marriage had gotten.

The points that we shared tonight are nothing new. These same issues have been lingering for quite some time in both of our minds. Issues like being rushed into marriage and making such a big decision so young are two that I cannot change. But we both agree that even though we both felt rushed and are young to be married, we should still give it a chance since what we DO have may be able to be revived. The conversation tonight opened both of our eyes to each other's perspectives.

It's not that I don't see the chance that she could be setting me up, but I feel that the larger issues are far deeper than the A.

Hey Dkelly,

After reading my response to you... I realize that I probably sounded a bit harsh... please forgive me.

You and your W have a young daughter together... what are the plans for her if you divorce? I believe that if kids are involved and there isn't any physical violence or mental abuse, that a couple should do everything possible to rebuild the M.

There will be MANY times during your M that you and your W don't FEEL in love... I think that if you and your W will make the commitment to stay married, and continue with MC, that you can rebuild your M into much more than either of you ever dreamed was possible.

Have you and your W done the emotional needs questionair yet? If not, you might want to do that with her... it might surprise you both...

Semper Fi,
RIF

That's great advice, RIF. I will print a couple copies of the ENQ and we'll fill them out tonight.

I definitely want this marriage to work, not only for WW and I, but also, as you said, for my DD. The conversation my WW and I had tonight made me realize that there is life after divorce and gave me more self confidence in the matter.

I will still try as hard as I can to make this marriage work and hopefully my wife will come around, too. Will be interesting to see how the MC wants us to handle our situation.

By the way-

Start my old job (more marriage-friendly job) in another 1.5 weeks. Never been more excited to make less money!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

PLUS, my WW is reading my posts on here. She likes to read them to understand more about why I am doing what I've been doing. I view this as a good thing. I'm trying to get her to post on here, too. I want her to get the chance to receive the great support, understanding, and advice that I have been getting from this board. She told me that I've seemed stronger and am taking things better. It's because of everyone's support on this board.

Great things seem to be happening, but then again, this is only the beginning...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The conversation my WW and I had tonight made me realize that there is life after divorce and gave me more self confidence in the matter. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think that you and your W could commit to each other to not mention the word DIVORCE or have ANY DIVORCE talks for a month? You guys need to stop all of this talk about Divorce... this talk doesn't do you, your wife, your daughter, or your marriage any good whatsoever...

You and your W are married... I think that as you go through MC and stop talking about divorce, that you'll find that you will both start to see changes in each other and in your M...

Just something for you guys to think about...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Dkelly,

I just want to say I agree with everything RIF said… He gives you good advice and support. Divorce is indeed not going to solve either of your problems... You posted the following in one of you other threads:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Aware of the turmoil our relationship is going through, I have discovered the relentless desire to do whatever it takes to recover the relationship. I still love my wife very much and I am serious when I tell her that I will do ANYTHING to keep her by my side. Since all of this occurred, I have attempted to perform CPR on our marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you really mean this and if you will really do anything to safe your M and keep your W by your side, then please don’t even think about divorce as an option. Both you and your W must erase that word out of your minds and vocabulary... Remember, there is a 2 year old girl involved… And the fact that you and your W got married on a very young age and haven't been with other people isn’t an excuse at all… I know MANY people who married young and have build strong and lasting marriages in spite of that. You and your W can do the same. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dkelly:
<strong> PLUS, my WW is reading my posts on here. She likes to read them to understand more about why I am doing what I've been doing. I view this as a good thing. I'm trying to get her to post on here, too. I want her to get the chance to receive the great support, understanding, and advice that I have been getting from this board. She told me that I've seemed stronger and am taking things better. It's because of everyone's support on this board. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's great that your W is reading here... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi Mrs.Dk! Welcome to MB! I think you have an awesome husband... I'd like to tell you a bit about "our story"... so you have some background on where I'm coming from...

My W and I married young like you guys... Our oldest daughter was born within our first year of M... I was on active duty and our first duty station was overseas. My W didn't speak the language, I was always gone, we had a newborn daughter... Not exactly a recipe for a good strong M, was it?

Well, my W had several A's during our first three years of M. I only knew about one, and I suspected one more. We both just decided to act like they never happened... we were young, we could 'recover' from this...

10 years pass and we've added two more daughters to our family... The guilt is eating my W up... She confesses to additional A's that happend while we were overseas during our first three years of M... This is where I made a commitment to our M and got us into a MC with our church... I wasn't about to let my family slip away from me even though the pain for me was almost unbearable...

This is the point that I see you guys... You both have all of your cards on the table right now... now it's up to you both to decide what you want to do. Are you going to both fold and call it a game, or are you going to play with the hand that you've been delt?

Please, please, stop talking about Divorce with your H.... for the sake of your daughter and your M... divorce will NOT make any of the pain and hurt from the past any better, in fact, IMHO, I believe that it will make things much worse.

Go to MC with your H. Give yourself at least 6 months before you make ANY decision regarding your M... You are so fortunate that your H is committed to you and the M... there are many WS that would love for their BS (that's your H) to have 1/2 the commitment that he's already shown you...

I know that you probably don't see all of this right now, but you guys can have an awesome marriage... it can be so much better than you ever dreamed of... but it all starts out with a commitment from both of you...

Edited to add-- Oh, and we'll be celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary on 16 Dec... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: RIF ]</small>

Going to read your full history and repost

Noodle

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

DK & Mrs.DK - Are you guys still with us?

I agree that we should erase D from our vocabulary. I don't beleive that she has read this thread yet, but I will get her to.

Thank you for all of your support for me, my wife, daughter, and our M. I am seeing that a D on our part would cause the most hurt to our DD.

My wife is currently enjoying some time with friends from schoolright now at a local pub as they have conducted a "dinner" tonight at their culinary school restaurant (hope she is celebrating with the right people).

Hopefully all of your posts, especially the ones on this thread, will shed some light on her perspective.

Again, thank you all for pulling for us and being there with care.

-DKelly

Dk & Mrs.Dk,

There are many great people here that have been through what you're experiencing right now...

Go to MC together, read and post here, learn all that you can... and you can have a better M than either of you ever dreamed possible.

It's not easy, and it's not pain-free, and it doesn't happen over night... but if you will both make the commitment to each other, to your daughter and to your M... then I think that you have an exellent opportunity to rebuild your M...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Hopefully our first couseling session will restore some hope in my wife that we can work this out and it will be better for all three of us. I'll tell how it goes as soon as I can tomorrow.

Thanks RIF, and all, for being here for me.

-DKelly

Dkelly -

I'm really glad you and your wife are posting here. Did you get married too young? Maybe. But at the same time, there are many millions of marriages that have happened at your age -- and that have turned into lifelong marriages. Stick with it!